Hi, I’m new here and pretty new to the autism community in general.
I was diagnosed two weeks ago, at 31 years old, and until around the age of 29 I had absolutely no idea I might be autistic.
Looking back now, a lot of my life suddenly makes sense.
Throughout my life I’ve always had extreme difficulty socialising and making friends. I never seemed to fit in anywhere or maintain long-term relationships. People could be polite to me, smile at me, even seem friendly, but nobody ever really wanted to invest time in me or genuinely connect with me.
I grew up in Germany and moved to England when I was 13, which probably made a lot of this even harder.
I tried very hard to fit in. I started smoking at 10 because the people around me did. In my late teens I got into drugs because everyone else was doing it too. I basically spent years trying to become whatever I thought people would accept.
It didn’t work.
By my 20s I had a pretty major mental health crash. I dropped out of university and ended up working nights as a care worker through my mum. Most of my 20s just drifted by. I was constantly exhausted, depressed, overweight, smoking, eating loads of junk food, and honestly just felt hopeless.
Then around 25 something changed. I still can’t fully explain it, but it was like a small seed got planted.
I slowly became more interested in my health and wellbeing. I quit smoking, switched to vaping for a while, then eventually quit nicotine altogether. I started eating healthier and learning more about how my body and mind worked. None of it happened overnight, it took years and a lot of small steps.
I also tried therapy. I’ve had four therapists in total and, if I’m honest, I never really connected with therapy itself. I always struggled with the fact that it felt very focused on talking about feelings without much practical guidance. But one therapist did suggest something that completely changed my perspective: he thought I might be autistic.
That started my journey into researching autism at around 29.
At first I was pretty ignorant about autism. My understanding was basically stereotypes from films and TV. I had no understanding of how broad the spectrum actually is, or that someone could go through life without realising they were autistic.
At the same time, I started changing my life in other ways too.
I moved out of care work and into IT, which had already become a major special interest of mine. I got my foot in the door through MSP work, and although I lost a couple of jobs along the way, I eventually ended up where I wanted to be: working as a Linux engineer.
I also started walking more, eating better, and eventually got into running. Over time I lost a lot of weight, learned to drive, bought a car, and became much healthier overall.
This year I finally received my official autism diagnosis, so now I know for certain.
Since then I’ve been trying to become more social again, hoping that understanding myself better might help me connect with people better too. It’s still difficult. I’ve joined a local gym community and started doing salsa dancing to push myself socially. People are friendly and kind, but I still struggle with forming actual friendships. Something still doesn’t quite click there.
I think what I really want in life is actually pretty simple. I want real friends, a partner, and eventually a family of my own one day. But sometimes I do worry that it may never happen, because I struggle so much with connecting to people, even platonically, never mind romantically.
Still, despite all of that, I’m in a much better place than I’ve ever been before, and I’m still trying.
Next week I’m seeing my GP to finally address some ongoing depression, anxiety, and sleep issues properly. After that, I’m hoping to take another big step forward and buy my first house.
So yeah, that’s me.
PS: Sorry if this was a bit long or rambling, I’m still figuring out how to put all of this into words.
