This post maybe all over the place. I apologise in advance.
I had a terrible child: mom was mentally disabled right after I was born. Dad was abusive. To mom and us kids (me and my sis). I want to stress on the level of abuse, yet keep it brief, so here are some of the things he did: made my mom lick food off the bathroom floor cause he didn't like it, shut us outside for up until 1-2 pm in the night until we begged to be let in, made mom eat so much salt that her eyes bulged out next da cuz he didn't like her cooking, I made the mistake drinking some of the squash he had bought, so he held me by my throat and tried to push the bottle down my throat, burnt my mom's arms with an iron box, etc...
Ran away from home at 16 after my mom's death. Worked alongside getting an education. Fixed things one by one.
I was having what I called then "panic attacks". After 5 years of trying things, found out I was having migraines. I just lacked the words to understand it. Anyways, treated it and then it revealed the ADHD diagnosis. Started taking treatment for ADHD and went into therapy. Made a lot of progress. But the "panic attacks" or the "crying spells" as I had started call it by then (as I realised they weren't panic attacks) weren't stopping.
So took a break from therapy and started consulting Psychiatrists again. Finally someone suspected Autism and referred me to another Psych. And she diagnosed me with Autism this year finally at the age of 31. The "crying spells" weren't panic attacks. They were breakdowns from overstimulation. Suddenly lot of things started making sense. My irritation in holding the certain Bibles in my childhood (a popular book cover back then was a synthetic patterned material), why I kept avoiding the the very touchy girl in my office, why I go crazy if plans are changed, etc...
I met my wife when I was 23 and got married at 24. I know, married too soon. But I was lonely, had no family, no parental figure to advice me on what I was doing and head over heels in love. My wife was older than me, we met at work. I guess I thought I saw strength in her; she had a prior relationship and the guy died in a motorcycle accident after he drove drunk because both of their parents disagreed to their marriage. As a guy who was grieving his mother after nearly 6 years of her passing, I found her positivity inspiring. I have this tendency to romanticise people into what I want them to be instead of what they are.
But I was wrong. What I thought was strength was delusion. Her positivity was several dysfunctions stitched together. First things first, we agreed to be a working couple before marriage. In fact, she had offered to work while I quit my job to complete my education. First thing that went out the window post marriage was that. She was incapable of clearing interviews, whichever she attended because I was forcing her. And eventually she declared she cannot work corporate jobs and wanted to be a business owner.
1. Business 1: Digital art. Took a loan to buy her all she needed including a iPad and an Apple Pencil. Really expensive where I live. Lasted 6 months. Eventually she declared herself "not creative enough" to continue this.
2. Business 2: Custom Art. Bought canvases and paint and brushes. Lasted another 3 months before she quit.
3. Business 3: Nail art. Bought custom sized wood boards and a drill and nails. Lasted about 9 months before both of us realised it wasn't sustainable.
4. Business 4: Reselling Fashion accessories. I suspected from the start that this was bound to fail as the profit margin was impossibly thin. I was almost out of savings to fund this, so we sold some jewellery we owned. Eventually my suspicions were proven right. The business failed.
By this point, I was seeing the issue. I was sorely disappointed by this not being the marriage/relationship I wanted. We had many fights about this. Eventually, I convinced myself to drop my expectations and promises made before marriage and made peace with the fact that she will never be a financial contributor in our relationship.
That work/financial aspect aside, I would soon discover that she had an unhealthy dynamic with her family. The fights about this started right after marriage. She would go to any length and spend money we didn't have to impress her family. The first meal we had together with her family after the marriage cost nearly 40% of my monthly salary because she insisted that we aren't poor enough not to even take care of them.
And my limitations in terms of social interaction or not wanting to go to a family event because I was having a migraine or breakdown were routinely ignored. Any invitations by the family were to be taken as golden and were to be attended no matter the concern. They came first. Doesn't matter how trivial the event or how valid my reason to not attend it. I remember I was sick and spitting out blood mixed phlegm, but I was still forced to attend a family trip. More instances come to mind as I write all these and more I am reminded of how messed up things were.
And there were the subtle and non-subtle nudges to toward masking. Even after I was diagnosed and I explained autism to her, she would push me to mask. My sister's friends had a get together and I was asked to join them. I was nervous, so I masked and went all out extroverted. After years of masking, I can be pretty good at it if I have the energy to do it. I was a hit, they called me "2.0" as I was completely different before the reserved person they met in the past. I rolled my eyes internally as I knew this was an act. But once we dispersed, my wife started saying how she loved how I was back there and wishes that I was always that way. I told her that wasn't me and it became a mini fight.
The thing I am getting is not that my wife is a bad person. She just has a lot of issues. After her last debacle at business, like I mentioned earlier, I woke up and smelled the coffee. I decided to let her to be a housewife, but I wanted to her to attend therapy because I wanted us to stop fighting. And most of our fights were about her unhealthy attachment to her family. She would abandon her life here and leave for her mother's house for months together, leaving me to manage my career and my house together. Then eventually someone there would make a remark about how she is not supposed to be there and she would come crying here.
Anyways, I forced her to attend therapy and the therapist was good at it. She started getting to the core of the issue with my wife: my wife was the eldest of 3 siblings. Her younger sister was much more successful at academics and hence financially more accomplished. All her life, my wife was compared to her. And she has some deep rooted insecurities due to this. And that was what she was doing with me. She was using me and my resources to try and prove to her family that she wasn't the failure they thought she was. Hence, the unnecessary spending, the mandatory attendance of all events, etc...
But as soon as the therapist started to touch this subject, my wife quit therapy. And she refused to attend anymore. I let it go because I had no energy to followup and life was in the way. Eventually, we had another fight and unsurprisingly it was related to her family. I started bringing up therapy again. She said you want me to do this because I don't have any money. I said how is that related to therapy. She said well, if I go to therapy, they will ask me to go to a job. I said if you truly don't want to earn or go to a job, then why is not doing it making you unhappy? That is something you must explore in therapy. She started doing that thing where she sulks until I give up.
Next day, I brought it up again and she started doing the same thing. So I took her phone and said I was gonna book a session myself. She got angry and demanded her phone back. I softened my stance and I am not gonna book, but let's talk about it instead of sulking. Next minute was a blur. She went for my throat. Like she didn't actually choke me. But her hands were together and going for it. She saw the expression in my face and I think she was shocked by what she was doing as well. She got up and stormed off to the bedroom. I was in shock. As a person who grew up in a violent household, I have no tolerance for violence. I never have and never will use it. The fact that it was happening to me was unreal. I remember my legs were shivering up until a 10 minutes later.
This was a week ago. I haven't spoken to her since. We have texted and she apologised, but as soon as she got to know that I spoke to others including my sister, her mother and brother, regarding this, she has changed her story to say that she did nothing wrong. That she only meant to push me, not choke me. Since my autism needs time to understand what I was feeling, I took time and even attended a therapy session to understand what I was feeling and if I was thinking straight. My therapist said I had a right to feel what I was feeling and then said that over time that he said spent working with me, I had noticed that I have a tendency to deprioritise what I want for what others wanted from me. I agree, after watching my dad growing up, I wanted to be a better human being and I guess to me that meant not prioritising myself. Because my dad was super selfish, I went for the other extreme and tried to be selfless.
So now I figuring out what to do. We have a couple's therapy scheduled for day after. But I don't think this will go anywhere. Considering how deep-seated my wife's issues are, I don't think she will ope up to the possibility of working hard enough to address them. Que sera sera, I guess.