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Too much family

TimC

I'm struggling.

Please bear with me while I try to explain.

I've been with my wonderful wife for just over 30 years. Her large family live over 4,000 miles away. Several months ago her 90 year old father died following a long illness. My wife managed to see him shortly before he died when taking an annual trip back to her home country. Obviously she was devastated. A couple of months later she told me that she wanted her late 80s mother to visit us for a much needed break. Of course I agreed. It wasn't until I was tasked with writing a formal letter of invitation that I found out that the family's agreement was for her to stay here for 4 to 5 months. Not the 3 or 4 weeks I had anticipated.

My mother-in-law doesn't speak any English and she's unable to walk more than a few yards. So of course she couldn't travel so far on her own - so one of my wife's brothers agreed to take the journey with her. He speaks just a few words of English. He and I have never really got on - I won't go into the reasons why. Before I knew it, one of my wife's nieces decided she would join the travellers, having just experienced a traumatic relationship breakup. At least she had some English knowledge, having learnt at school and stayed with us before.

Knowing that our household size was going to double for four months or more didn't exactly fill this autistic old guy with joy. (I should perhaps mention that we have an amazing 11 year old daughter.)

I've always done the family cooking because I have far more time to spare than my wife does. Shopping for and cooking for twice as many people as usual, with different tastes to cater for, was a challenge (and still is.) By winding up the masking levels, I coped for the first month. Then I fell while running and broke a few ribs and a toe. After a few days I was able to cook again, but couldn't tackle the many other jobs around the house that I normally did. We have a lot of hedges that springtime was encouraging to grow at speed. I'm proud of the way that years of my hard work had developed them to look so good, along with several manicured bushes. With me being unable to wield heavy tools, my BIL took over. He'd never cut a hedge before and it showed. I'm sure Stevie Wonder could have done a better job. Then he attacked the bushes that I'd always trimmed by hand, using my powered hedge trimmers! 

I blew my top. I had to go for a very long walk in an attempt to calm down. When I eventually returned, my wife told me that it was my fault for not giving clear enough instructions. I needed to be grateful that her brother had helped out.

He's done other things "for us". They haven't been quite as disastrous but I still wish he'd left them alone. No doubt he feels duty bound to help out in return for his free food and accommodation during what's basically a holiday. I need order and routine, I need things to be done just right. Having those things disrupted is so hard for me. Voicing my concerns hasn't been accepted well. My directness is received as being very rude. 

Three months in and I found myself losing control again last night. I was talking to my daughter at the dinner table and mid sentence when my loud (to me) BIL started talking to his mother. My daughter said she couldn't hear what I was saying, so I repeated myself by shouting to try to make a point. I was regarded as the rude one. I had to walk away. I had to be alone. 

My wife knows that I'm autistic but seemingly refuses to make allowances. Perhaps she shouldn't - I don't know. Perhaps I'm even worse than I thought and some understanding from her is too much to hope for.

I don't know what to do. 

I have one more month of in-laws. I'm thinking about trying to avoid all communication with my BIL, not even eating at the same table as him. His neanderthal eating style alone is an attack on my senses. My MIL is difficult for me; she's going deaf so everyone has to shout for her to hear, and she thinks she has to shout too - especially when on the phone. The noise levels become unbearable. Fortunately our niece is a breath of fresh air - but she understandably keeps out of the way most of the time. She somehow manages to help with domestic tasks like washing and cleaning without a fuss, and without getting anything wrong. 

I'm sure my daughter has picked up on the tense atmosphere. I hate that. Thankfully she's away for a few days next week on a school residential, so she won't be subjected to this. I'll miss her cuddles though.

I 'just' need to keep to myself as much as possible for the next four weeks. I hope I can make it. I hope I can survive.

  • Good afternoon TimC.

    Gosh, that all sounds like a tough spot for such a long time.

    I wondered if your household might have any access to some outdoor space?  Maybe a garden or park?

    As we move into days with some improving weather by the time of year; perhaps you all could begin to make more use of the outdoors.

    In my family, a hallmark of family gatherings, (of any and all size), usually involved the neurodivergent among us taking refuge outside.

    We would pitch an inexpensive tarp to help tackle any hit-and-miss weather.

    Basically, the outside space would be commandeered as part camp kitchen / barbeque and part outdoor lounge.

    (We have been known to pitch a secondhand tent, or clear a space for a chair & cuppa - in a shed / garage too - just in case some of our number just needed some solo space to pursue their interests uninterrupted for a while).

    One of my relatives had an old transistor radio and an enamel camping mug - we soon appreciated that - when he emerged from the house into the garden with those items in each hand ...we knew to expect the next comment was likely to be a grunted "cricket" as he shut the shed door behind him.  Solo time commenced.  No "do not disturb" signage required.

    A female autistic relative's version often involved a comment about sowing seeds / pricking out seedlings in the greenhouse.  We respected that was code for ...on her own for a while, thanks all the same everyone.

    The outdoor kitchen / lounge zone was neutral territory were connection between the respective neuro-tribes was everyone making their best effort to rub along together.

    Sometimes, those family members who sorely try your patience (indoors) actually rise to the challenge and cone into their own (outdoors).

    Who knew before; the obnoxious, bombastic, distant male relative was a dab hand as barbecue honourary chef?  Pretty decent kebabs etc. and a deckchair, or picnic rug, for a few hours have the ability to mend some relationship fences of friction and help create some shared memories along the way.  (Yes, he would still be a pain indoors again, hey-ho).

    Younger members of the family can often thrive on have a designated responsibility at outdoor events. 

    Maybe, their role might be storing and retrieving items from the cool box / ensuring nobody gets too warm or dehydrated / loading buffet or picnic plates and being server to and fro to support the elders or toddlers who might find task of self-service too demanding / in charge of setting up a simple game and showing everyone how to take part in the entertainment.

    Anyone musical?  That can work with a group of people.

    The noisy chompers, (yes, we have a couple of those), are a bit less obvious outdoors.  OK, I admit it, I was responsible for the "strategically placed wind chime" dangling from the branch in their vicinity on the last picnic effort.

  • Arrrghh what an awful situation, I hate "helpful" people, they never listen and always do whatever it is wrong. One of the things I've noticed with large families is they always expect everyone else to muck in along with them and their way of doing things, without any regard or respect for others, especially an "outsider", usually a partner, who's expected to just cope with thier space, their life and thier headspace being taken over and invaded.

    Can you get yourself away maybe take your daughter somewhere for a couple of weeks? 

    Wheres your wife in all of this? Dosen't she see you're struggling? Did she know and not tell you that the family visit was for months and not weeks? Not to ask you how you felt about it seems disrespectful and uncaring. How does your daughter feel about this family invasion?