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This is hard to talk about

Katherine

I’m newly diagnosed ASD and there’s a lot I need to learn. There’s a part of my thinking that I’m ashamed of and it frightens me. I’m wondering if anyone in the community can relate or shed some light on it, please?

When I reach a point where I’m not coping then sometimes my feelings flip. For example I love my dog beyond measure. I find it difficult to be apart from him and we have our own language. However he has health issues which cause me a lot of distress. When he’s poorly I find myself thinking “well he’ll just die and then I can get a dog which doesn’t give me all this stress”. Similarly my husband has a grandson who I used to love to pieces. We went on holiday last year and I had a bad episode of burnout/ meltdown and we had to come home after only a couple of days. Now I see the little one as a threat and dread having to have anything to do with him. I can remember my previous feelings of love but not recover them.

Both of these examples make me feel like a monster. I guess I’m hoping for some reassurance, or maybe a way to challenge this thinking and find a way out of it.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Parents

  • You're not a monster, but you do sound afraid of yourself and the possible effects you might have on others.

    You had a meltdown/burnout on holiday and had to come home; are you afraid that the grandson was upset and will blame it all on you? Accepting death isn't an easy thing, it sounds like you feel a massive amount of guilt for wanting your dog to not suffer anymore, whilst considering getting another after he dies. You're not being disloyal to your beloved friend, if anything you seem to be grieving in advance of his death, thats not a bad thing, it's something you're sharing with him whilst he's alive.

Reply

  • You're not a monster, but you do sound afraid of yourself and the possible effects you might have on others.

    You had a meltdown/burnout on holiday and had to come home; are you afraid that the grandson was upset and will blame it all on you? Accepting death isn't an easy thing, it sounds like you feel a massive amount of guilt for wanting your dog to not suffer anymore, whilst considering getting another after he dies. You're not being disloyal to your beloved friend, if anything you seem to be grieving in advance of his death, thats not a bad thing, it's something you're sharing with him whilst he's alive.

Children
  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Afraid of myself… yes. Previously when I felt like this I overdosed because I just stopped caring and it makes me frightened of what I’m capable of - it was completely out of character. I don’t think the grandson understands what happened because he’s only 3, it’s more that I can’t afford for it to happen again because I don’t seem to be able to recover so far. I realise that I’m in burnout and it takes time but I’m still learning how to live within what I can manage rather than force myself to try and keep going, which is what I’ve always done. Thank you for taking the trouble to help.