Dear Everyone.
I'm an odd case. I've got Cerebral Palsy, Hydrocephalus, Asperger's and Dyspraxia and together they make me LOOK a lot more disabled than I feel I AM - I feel I've got a foot in both worlds, neurotypical and neurodiverse. The upshot BEING, each side seems to think I belong to the other and I'm an interloper in theirs.
I'm 59 now. In my life, I got moved on from London because I was beaten up, robbed and had all my flats robbed empty in London. Didn't do well at Comprehensive School because my disabilities make of me an ugly person, so many people have delighted in telling me, and I was always the target in the playground for everybody no matter who they were. Went to specialist disability colleges after school, the other disabled people there ostracised me because of my ugliness - they were all having lovely evenings out, friendships, being with people, I never managed to achieve any of it. Never got to go out with any of the groups, got my stuff smashed up and got so scared of going into meals I wouldn't do it unless the one-person table was empty. Went to the Recreation Rooms after class for awhile but there were a bunch of BEEG Autistic guys there who just sat and took the mickey because they could see I didn't know how to handle it. I remember getting all my quals - which surprised everyone! - and going to the Passing Out Night in the College bar. There was a chair at one of the tables so I gathered up my courage, went over. "Is that chair free?" "It is." So I sat down and the big guy opposite me leaned over. "You got the chair. F Off with it!" And the others burst out laughing.
Thing IS - nothing's changed. I'm 59 now. I've never had friends, never been part of groups. Tried joining a group for autistic adults and lasted 3 meetings. At the end of the third, the neurotypical lady running it took me to one side. "I'm sorry, I don't want you infesting my group any more...." and I got the bum's rush. No idea what I did wrong. This was in Brighton, where I live now. In Hastings, I ended up banned from everywhere. Why? Because if I was there, the others took the mickey out of me or worse. Usually worse. And it was easier banning me than banning them. I became the Town Monster there for 20 years and got all my teeth kicked out, head kicked in, boiling water chucked over me giving me permanent ulcers, all my flats burgled empty. In the end the cops had enough of me and moved me to Brighton - where nothing changes! Got the others in my flats constantly trying to get me evicted because "Why should we have to live with that creep? Look at him!" Got beaten up and mugged again a month back, few weeks before that was walking past an open-doored bar and got "You not ringing bells tonight, mate?" "Nah, Frankenstein's spare body parts, innit!" "Yer Mom into [edited by mod] gorillas?" "Bet yer Dad left home when you was born, didn't he?" Thing IS - that's EXACTLY the same comments I got when I was in the playground. I always thought when I became an adult, if I worked hard and did the best I could for others I'd get to join in, but it simply never happened. I did fine with prospective employers - until they actually got to LOOK at me, then the jobs never happened. Always tried to help others but couldn't tell when I was being set up and got into trouble with the cops quite a bit by being suckered by people I THOUGHT I was helping. Could never tell when people were being fake-friends - several times I had people round, in various Hastings flats, that I thought were friends and they'd take me down the pub so their friend could break into my flat and rob me empty. Of course there were times the other ways around when people asked me out, I THOUGHT I was being set up and turned them down - but I wasn't. How do you tell?
So I'm 59 now. I'm STILL trying to get to join in, still being treated by others exactly like they always have treated me - there's no childhood or adulthood, just peoplehood, once they've decided how they'll treat you, that's it, game over. Never really had a job, despite having 16 good qualifications and having tried for many, many different ones. Never had friends, nor relationships, nor been part of social groups and again - I've tried. I think the main problem there is I'm between both worlds. Neurodiverse think I'm a Quisling from Neurotypicaland and visa-versa. And I don't KNOW how to be with either, that's the main prob. Dunno if anyone's read 'The Jungle Book' or seen Mowgli movies but Mowgli had Raksha to teach him how to be with the wolves even though he didn't look like one. I need a Raksha to teach me how to be with EITHER lot - Neurotypical OR Neurodiverse! Examples - I'm banned from the Pier because my face scares the customers, banned from a massive bar because the regulars complained about having to look at me, ditto with many similar places (In Brighton, ended up being banned from the whole of Hastings, still am! Nowadays I'm banned just because I've always been banned.) Got shown a new disability group recently - but haven't got the courage to go there. I don't know how to DO it. Last group I tried, I volunteered to help out in the kitchens, nope, knives, I might run around stabbing people. In the office - am good at computers - the lady took one look, grabbed all the paperwork, ran in and slammed the door! In the shop, nope, other customers wouldn't like looking at me. New wildlife centre opened, went along and volunteered, got asked if I had 2 references, one from a previous employer. I don't have, why not try me out? Sorry, can't do that, you must have two references..... Same with every voluntary shop in Brighton, tried 'em all - when was the last time you saw a disabled person in a charity shop? Right - me neither!
So I just look out from my window at life going past me and hate still being here. Hate watching people talking to friends on mobile phones, being with groups, going to be with groups, being Part of Things - and I've never managed to get to do any of it - but I still want to. I just don't know HOW to get to do it. The others at the new disability group seemed welcoming enough - but they've all had experiences at joining in so they know HOW to do it - I'm lost. I don't know what to do, what to say, when to say it, how to do conversation - I don't think I've HAD a conversation with anyone in as long as I can remember. Imagine you're in France, in a group of French locals all chattering happily - and the only French you know is the bits you remembered from schooldays. I don't know if it's something like that which got me banned from the Autism group or the group I joined and then tried volunteering for - but there is one thing I WOULD like a bit of advice on.
If you were me, how would you get to DO any of the above? I mean I wake up, spend every day watching everyone else doing things I'd LOVE to be part of if only I knew how to GET to be part of it all, go to bed. I've had so many bad experiences in shops - example, in a charity shop and a guy told the staff I was 'looking at his kids'. I wasn't, got kicked out anyway - I only ever go to the supermarket late at night because I'm not amongst crowds of people BEING with eachother then and I don't feel so ashamed of being me, really. Of course I miss never having dated/had friends to be with but as with everything else, I've always tried, the ugliness has always gotten in the way. "Oi! Monster Munch! What you doing around here?" "Come to look at our girls have you, creep?"
How do you get people, from either side, PAST the disabilities to give you a shot at joining in - and, if that happens, how do you learn HOW to do the joining-in thing - think example-with-French-speakers, above - so you're not kicked out for getting it wrong? Or think you're being set up when you're not, or not being set up when you are, so you either get mugged or lose out on an opportunity? The above's a synopsis - had loads more happen in Brighton and Hastings but never anything GOOD happen. It's always been people from either side jeering at the one thing I can't change - my ugliness. Hate being here, these days, I mean what's the point? Had the others in my flats telling me they're going to get me out on the streets, because why should they have to share their flats with a creep like me. Would really love a few lessons in how to do conversation/how to socialise so I can give the new disability group a go, right now I'm just too terrified to try. ('Just Go Along And Be Yourself....' won't work. Trust me on this!)
Yours hopefully,
Chris.
