Hi everyone, I’m hoping to get some perspective and guidance from people with lived experience of autism or supporting autistic partners.
I’m in a relatively new relationship with a man (28M) who has ASC. I (27F) also have ADHD, EUPD and anxiety, but these are well managed through years of therapy and self-work. I also grew up with a brother who has ASC, so I do have a good level of understanding and experience, although I appreciate every individual is different.
One of our strengths is that we communicate very openly and honestly. We don’t tend to take things personally and instead try to treat them as opportunities to understand each other better. We both genuinely want to grow and make this work.
However, despite that, things often feel very intense and at times overwhelming to navigate, particularly with multiple layers involved.
The main challenges I’m trying to understand and support with are:
- His relationship with his mum:
His mum has consistently told him that his behaviour linked to his ASC are “wrong”, which has led him to mask heavily rather than understand and work with his needs.
She is also highly involved in his decision-making to the point where he needs to consult her on all things. When he hasn’t done this in the past, her reactions have been very explosive and as a result he now avoids going against her due to fear of confrontation. On occasions she acknowledges a poor response she apologies but mitigates it by saying do you see how you made me act.
She regularly places emotional pressure on him, including sharing issues about his dad and her past/ongoing financial situation (which is entirely self created), it leaves him feeling responsible and overwhelmed (he also carries a lot of anxiety about being financially stable for retirement and being a single parent - neither of us have children and they aren't on the cards for some time).
- Family dynamic:
His parents divorced when he was 14, and his dad is both physically distant (living in another country) and emotionally disengaged when it comes to managing/supporting his mum’s behaviour. This has effectively left him managing that relationship on his own.
- Lack of independence and self-identity:
He struggles to form his own opinions and often defaults to repeating his mum has told him. This doesn’t feel like unwillingness, more that he hasn’t been given the space or confidence to develop that independence.
This has already led to situations where he has been vulnerable to being taken advantage of (including a financial scam).
- People-pleasing and boundaries:
He finds it very difficult to say no or prioritise himself, and tends to give people repeated chances even when they are not treating him well.
- Intensity and physical closeness:
He seeks a very high level of physical closeness (e.g. being entwined), which can become overwhelming for me, particularly when I am already emotionally drained.
From my side, I am trying to support him in building independence, encouraging his own voice, and creating a more balanced dynamic. However, at times I feel more like I am guiding or supporting him rather than being in an equal partnership, which is something I am struggling with.
The important part is that he does want to grow, and he is trying. I also want to support him in a way that is healthy and sustainable for both of us.
Where I’m struggling is:
- Where to even begin when there are multiple interconnected issues
- How to support him without stepping into a parental or “fixing” role
- How to navigate the level of influence his mum currently has in his life (he has directly expressed a want for this to change, he though moving out would help but has not, with him no longer being at home she expects daily ,sometimes multiple times a day, contact and if he does not respond in 30 minutes she will call repeatedly until he replies/answers).
I want to approach this in a way that respects his neurodivergence, but also allows for a healthy, balanced relationship.
Any advice, similar experiences, or resources would be really appreciated.
Thank you
