Hi everyone,
New poster here, I'll try not to make this a huge essay but I'm at the point where I'm hoping I can at least feel like there's some people like me out there.
I'm 40 in June and I was diagnosed with autism only a couple of years ago, just before I became a dad for the first time. I'm on the waiting list for ADHD, my assessor seemed to think that's also a certainty.
I want to write about socialising, and changing of plans. My fiance is bridesmaid at a wedding this weekend and I've been absolutely dreading it for months. Today I discovered (I'm not sure why I hadn't realised this beforehand) that she will need to go first thing in the morning and me and my son don't need to be there until 2pm. When I found this information out I made a comment along the lines of "urgh this feels like a punishment". My fiance snapped at me which she doesn't do a lot.
Now, on reflection I know that was a silly comment for me to make, but I find that if I discover my plans have changed last minute or if I haven't had time to process what I'm doing the next day then I can just totally lose the plot, my mood changes suddenly and I can get quite irritable. I used to map my week out way in advance and now I can't do that as a dad.
Thinking back to my childhood there was a time where I thought I had another week of holidays before back to school and my mum got it wrong and I was actually in the next day. I smashed one of my Christmas presents on the floor and broke it. I always felt so guilty about that but my diagnosis has helped me with some of these memories. I'm a very calm person and I don't really have any aggression in me, but I don't deal with a sense of injustice well, either.
My fiance confronted me this evening and mentioned how it's becoming a pattern whenever we have to go somewhere social. We rarely have to these days (much to my delight), but I can't disagree with her. However, my issue is with how she deals with me having those moments where I might say something wrong, I feel there's a lack of tolerance.
From my point of view, if she was just to say "look, I totally understand it's going to be a really hard day for you" it might break this pattern she doesn't like. Instead I've been told a few things tonight like "I used to really look forward to going out and now I dread if because of you" and "if they hadn't paid for your food I wouldn't have wanted you to come". I'm reluctant to paint my partner in a bad light as we all say things when we fall out, but I honestly don't feel I can help how I react in the moment when I find out plans have changed. She's also spent the last few weeks telling me that she can't bothered with the wedding herself, and all of a sudden tonight she's really looking forward to it and I've ruined it. My fiance only found out about my autism after a few years, so it has been a lot for her to deal with, as has the explanation of masking etc.
I find being a Dad both absolutely amazing and absolutely exhausting at the same time. I love my son more than anything else in the world and I know I'm a great dad but the burnout I suffer is unbelievable. Not having the time to do what I want and have my own space to recharge has been a real issue, one I'm getting better with. I'm proud of myself and sometimes I just feel it's taken for granted how well I've done.
However, the thought of the wedding tomorrow and having to look after him all day beforehand and then get us ready and then look after him on my own at the wedding, it all feels too much. Am I ultimately just being selfish and making it all about me? He's just dropped his nap which was also an hour or two of vital recharge and respite.
I've had a difficult 7/8 years. Both my mum and dad have died in that time, and my brother has gone AWOL for nearly 4 years of that, not even acknowledging the birth of my son. So I don't really have any family of my own apart from an uncle an hour away. It can all feel quite lonely for me to be honest.
If any of you have got this far, thank you. To be honest it feels nice just to write it down. Please do let me know if I'm in the wrong as I don't really have anyone to bounce things off now.