Please help I am desperate

Hello Crazydarkside,

Please let me say beforehand, that I am no expert and that my advice is not a professional or educated opinion, but I intend to speak openly and candidly and my views maybe considered liberal, so I hope i do not offend anyone.

  I can see that this is very difficult for you and naturally an experimental and sensitive time for your son. I share Longmans concern for your sons safety, especially, surrounding what youngsters today percieve and what actually goes on in society. This is often very difficult for those on the spectrum to judge. 

It's important that your son stays safe, but also that he views things from a balanced perspective and not what is readily availible via porn on the net which; lets face it, is seldom what happens in any interaction, gay or straight.

As I understand it; contrary to popular belief and portrayal on the net, gay sex is often Intercrural sex, not always penatrative. (Although most gay porn would have you believe otherwise.) This practice has been documented throughout history particularly in ancient Greece. If your son is not aware of that, it may help him to know and may also serve to reduce any pressure he perceives about only having to perform anal sex in the future, if he does believe he's gay. Their are other options.

Having said that, the truth is, he is also still very young. This is not to detract from his feelings, which i'm sure are very real and strong for him, but as far as emotional maturity goes, he's unlikely to be in a position to know what to do to express his feelings and I would suggest that interaction with others at his age could as Longman hints, be a basis for him being at risk of being taken advantage of and in some instances even ridiculed. Frankly, that would go for any heterosexual youngsters also. I'm not sure i was mature enough at that age, or the age of 16 even. He does need to be guided on how to stay safe and to be able to identify boundries that must not be crossed by others, towards him.

It's really very brave of him to open up to you at such a young age and clearly he's concerned, but with his own methods he has managed to talk with you about it and I would encourage him to continue to do that. I'm glad you don't have an issue with his sexuality and feel able to talk about it with him, as it would be another hurdle to overcome otherwise.

Firstly, I think your son needs reassurance.                                                       By his statement, it indicates a level of shame, although it is not clear whether that stems from his continence issues, his admisssion about his practices or both.

Most of us masturbate, and he needs to know that his actions and feelings are normal for him and many others like him, whether they admit it or not. He's also at an experimental age and discovering your own sexuality and place in society is a tricky time for NT's, let alone those on the spectrum. Encourage him to keep an open mind, but also to be confident in his choices. He is who he is, and their should be no shame in that. The fact that he feels accepted by his parents for his feelings that he is gay is a huge bonus.

You don't have to answer this directly, but it may be worth asking your son.

Firstly, at the risk of sounding crass, is he actually using his whole hand or just his fingers? The reason I ask, is that using the expression 'hand,' implies his hand, and again this may have been picked up from a misleading porn site, as being the 'norm'.

'Fisting', as I understand it, can cause weakness of the anal sphincter, potential tearing and leakage if practiced without care or sufficient and appropriate lubrication. Whilst, it maybe pleasurable for some 'in the moment,' the long term affects can cause problems. If this is the case, then I would suggest he be encouraged to move away from this type of stimulation, but to consider an alternative instead.

If; as I suspect, he's talking about using his fingers, then this is not such a problem if practiced with care, but still needs to be talked about in terms of hygiene and technique. (I will elaborate below.) 

In the establishment of 'Moral developement', Freud theroized that in the context of personality developement that we move through 5 phases or psycohsexual stages in our lives. Oral (Up to one year.), Anal (1-3 years), Phalic, (3-5 or 6 years.), and Genital (Puberty to maturity.) If you subscribe to his theory; and assuming all of us whether gay or not go through these phases, then your sons practices are a normal part of his sexual developement, albeit somewhat delayed. Perhaps he hasn't moved on from this stage yet.

Asking someone to give something up, that they find pleasurable is a difficult undertaking. Can I ask, does he really want to give up what he's doing or is it that he perceives that he should?

The truth remains, that stimulation of the prostate gland; (the 'G' Spot.) for some men, can be extremely pleasurable and I can appreciate that this would be a very hard habit for him to break. Many practice this form of stimulation, but do so from an informed standpoint. (Adults may do so using gloves or by using a small sex toy covered with a condom etc. for hygiene purposes) but, it's not always the sole focus or only option in their maturbation.

By technique, i mean listening to our bodies needs. Most often, we need to urinate after sex or any form of stimulation. This is the bodies natural process. For young or inexperienced individuals, or for those that have difficulty with sensory issues, they won't always use the toilet or may fall asleep after masturbation and this can cause them to wet themselves. They may even feel as though they need to go, but not act on it. Talk to him about this and see if by going to the toilet more frequently, his incontenence is reduced.

Likewise, if an inappropriate lube or even no lubrication is used in a sensitive area, it can cause inflamation and swelling. Failure to evacuate your bowels, cross contamination and poor hygiene, will also add to the risk of infection and increased bouts of diarrhoea. Learning about what to use or using products that are safe for sensitive and intimate areas, is not always a first consideration to a teenager, but it may be worth discussing this with your son and may reduce not only the diarrhoea, but also any soiling.

I think what's appropriate here is some informed discussion. I'm not suggesting that you run out and stock up on lubes and condoms for someone of this age. Far from it, but some guidance in personal hygiene and healthy sexual practices and also support to understand that masturbating is normal and can take many forms, would be a good 1st move forward.

If there is risk to him or your family's wellbeing, as a result of his practices and moving on with his practice for other means of masturbation seem unlikely at this point, then perhaps you may need to reconsider. If limiting his chances of infection and illness is more appropiate you may need to revise whether to discuss more safe and hygiene focused options used by adults, (As discussed above.) than letting it continue without support and raising his anxiety further.

Remember, we are talking about a 13 year old who is experimenting with masturbatory stimulation here, not sex. Clearly, you are very supportive parents and that will be invaluable in helping him on his journey through puberty.

I'd love to suggest some appropriate ASD reading here, but it is very thin on the ground. Additionally, you will need to gauge what is appropriate reading for him. It maybe better to give him access to more factual mature literature, than for him to peruse the net for example.

'The joy of Sex' is very dated, but maybe useful. 'The loving touch' by consultant Dr. Andrew Stanway, is also dated however, it is a very balanced and mature text that does embrace both heterosexual and homosexual practices, looks at Body language, masturbation, hygiene, healthy practices, safe sex and includes diagrams. He may find this less anxiety provoking than speaking to you directly and also it may encourage him to ask you more questions about specifics that he has trouble understanding.

For adults, most of us gauge that any sexual practice is ok, so long as it is consensual and does not cause harm to yourself or another. Sex should not be viewed with shame or as dirty and that each persons preferences will develop on our sexual journey and will be unique to us. Your son will find his way, but needs support and direction on his journey.

I hope this helps

Kind Regards

Coogybear

Hello Crazydarkside,

Please let me say beforehand, that I am no expert and that my advice is not a professional or educated opinion, but I intend to speak openly and candidly and my views maybe considered liberal, so I hope i do not offend anyone.

  I can see that this is very difficult for you and naturally an experimental and sensitive time for your son. I share Longmans concern for your sons safety, especially, surrounding what youngsters today percieve and what actually goes on in society. This is often very difficult for those on the spectrum to judge. 

It's important that your son stays safe, but also that he views things from a balanced perspective and not what is readily availible via porn on the net which; lets face it, is seldom what happens in any interaction, gay or straight.

As I understand it; contrary to popular belief and portrayal on the net, gay sex is often Intercrural sex, not always penatrative. (Although most gay porn would have you believe otherwise.) This practice has been documented throughout history particularly in ancient Greece. If your son is not aware of that, it may help him to know and may also serve to reduce any pressure he perceives about only having to perform anal sex in the future, if he does believe he's gay. Their are other options.

Having said that, the truth is, he is also still very young. This is not to detract from his feelings, which i'm sure are very real and strong for him, but as far as emotional maturity goes, he's unlikely to be in a position to know what to do to express his feelings and I would suggest that interaction with others at his age could as Longman hints, be a basis for him being at risk of being taken advantage of and in some instances even ridiculed. Frankly, that would go for any heterosexual youngsters also. I'm not sure i was mature enough at that age, or the age of 16 even. He does need to be guided on how to stay safe and to be able to identify boundries that must not be crossed by others, towards him.

It's really very brave of him to open up to you at such a young age and clearly he's concerned, but with his own methods he has managed to talk with you about it and I would encourage him to continue to do that. I'm glad you don't have an issue with his sexuality and feel able to talk about it with him, as it would be another hurdle to overcome otherwise.

Firstly, I think your son needs reassurance.                                                       By his statement, it indicates a level of shame, although it is not clear whether that stems from his continence issues, his admisssion about his practices or both.

Most of us masturbate, and he needs to know that his actions and feelings are normal for him and many others like him, whether they admit it or not. He's also at an experimental age and discovering your own sexuality and place in society is a tricky time for NT's, let alone those on the spectrum. Encourage him to keep an open mind, but also to be confident in his choices. He is who he is, and their should be no shame in that. The fact that he feels accepted by his parents for his feelings that he is gay is a huge bonus.

You don't have to answer this directly, but it may be worth asking your son.

Firstly, at the risk of sounding crass, is he actually using his whole hand or just his fingers? The reason I ask, is that using the expression 'hand,' implies his hand, and again this may have been picked up from a misleading porn site, as being the 'norm'.

'Fisting', as I understand it, can cause weakness of the anal sphincter, potential tearing and leakage if practiced without care or sufficient and appropriate lubrication. Whilst, it maybe pleasurable for some 'in the moment,' the long term affects can cause problems. If this is the case, then I would suggest he be encouraged to move away from this type of stimulation, but to consider an alternative instead.

If; as I suspect, he's talking about using his fingers, then this is not such a problem if practiced with care, but still needs to be talked about in terms of hygiene and technique. (I will elaborate below.) 

In the establishment of 'Moral developement', Freud theroized that in the context of personality developement that we move through 5 phases or psycohsexual stages in our lives. Oral (Up to one year.), Anal (1-3 years), Phalic, (3-5 or 6 years.), and Genital (Puberty to maturity.) If you subscribe to his theory; and assuming all of us whether gay or not go through these phases, then your sons practices are a normal part of his sexual developement, albeit somewhat delayed. Perhaps he hasn't moved on from this stage yet.

Asking someone to give something up, that they find pleasurable is a difficult undertaking. Can I ask, does he really want to give up what he's doing or is it that he perceives that he should?

The truth remains, that stimulation of the prostate gland; (the 'G' Spot.) for some men, can be extremely pleasurable and I can appreciate that this would be a very hard habit for him to break. Many practice this form of stimulation, but do so from an informed standpoint. (Adults may do so using gloves or by using a small sex toy covered with a condom etc. for hygiene purposes) but, it's not always the sole focus or only option in their maturbation.

By technique, i mean listening to our bodies needs. Most often, we need to urinate after sex or any form of stimulation. This is the bodies natural process. For young or inexperienced individuals, or for those that have difficulty with sensory issues, they won't always use the toilet or may fall asleep after masturbation and this can cause them to wet themselves. They may even feel as though they need to go, but not act on it. Talk to him about this and see if by going to the toilet more frequently, his incontenence is reduced.

Likewise, if an inappropriate lube or even no lubrication is used in a sensitive area, it can cause inflamation and swelling. Failure to evacuate your bowels, cross contamination and poor hygiene, will also add to the risk of infection and increased bouts of diarrhoea. Learning about what to use or using products that are safe for sensitive and intimate areas, is not always a first consideration to a teenager, but it may be worth discussing this with your son and may reduce not only the diarrhoea, but also any soiling.

I think what's appropriate here is some informed discussion. I'm not suggesting that you run out and stock up on lubes and condoms for someone of this age. Far from it, but some guidance in personal hygiene and healthy sexual practices and also support to understand that masturbating is normal and can take many forms, would be a good 1st move forward.

If there is risk to him or your family's wellbeing, as a result of his practices and moving on with his practice for other means of masturbation seem unlikely at this point, then perhaps you may need to reconsider. If limiting his chances of infection and illness is more appropiate you may need to revise whether to discuss more safe and hygiene focused options used by adults, (As discussed above.) than letting it continue without support and raising his anxiety further.

Remember, we are talking about a 13 year old who is experimenting with masturbatory stimulation here, not sex. Clearly, you are very supportive parents and that will be invaluable in helping him on his journey through puberty.

I'd love to suggest some appropriate ASD reading here, but it is very thin on the ground. Additionally, you will need to gauge what is appropriate reading for him. It maybe better to give him access to more factual mature literature, than for him to peruse the net for example.

'The joy of Sex' is very dated, but maybe useful. 'The loving touch' by consultant Dr. Andrew Stanway, is also dated however, it is a very balanced and mature text that does embrace both heterosexual and homosexual practices, looks at Body language, masturbation, hygiene, healthy practices, safe sex and includes diagrams. He may find this less anxiety provoking than speaking to you directly and also it may encourage him to ask you more questions about specifics that he has trouble understanding.

For adults, most of us gauge that any sexual practice is ok, so long as it is consensual and does not cause harm to yourself or another. Sex should not be viewed with shame or as dirty and that each persons preferences will develop on our sexual journey and will be unique to us. Your son will find his way, but needs support and direction on his journey.

I hope this helps

Kind Regards

Coogybear