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Alexithymia and the Audit: From the bricks of clinical labour to the wind of the birch trees

Phased
I’ve been sitting with a specific kind of silence lately, and I wanted to see if it resonates with others. I am 61 now, and since being diagnosed at 58, my audit of the last few years has led me back to a word that feels like a bit of a riddle: Alexithymia.
It’s a strange thing to say you’re beginning to feel a lack of feeling—it’s an oxymoron, I know—but it’s the only way I can describe the quiet weight I’ve carried since childhood.
I spent the weekend just gone working quite hard to architect a different post here, but this time round, I feel the need to try a different approach—one of doing by not doing. I want to start this conversation and then simply leave it running for people to make their own way with it.
For 25 years, I worked as a physiotherapist in high-pressure wards—ICU, stroke rehab, and chronic pain clinics. Looking back, I realise I was absorbing the bricks of other people’s pain and fear every single day while maintaining a professional Windows mask. I used to feel like I was behind a glass sheet—protected, but muted.
I realise now that my Alexithymia wasn’t a lack of feeling; it was a necessary survival strategy. My internal switchboard turned the volume down so far that I stopped feeling the breezes of subtle emotion just to survive the gale of everyone else's dysregulation. I’ve spent decades only noticing the bricks when they hit.
But lately, in this audit, I’m learning to lower that threshold. I had a moment this weekend where I just sat and watched the thin branches of a birch tree moving in the wind. I realised that my best life isn't about being fixed—it’s about thinning the canopy of that old emotional labour so I can finally start living authentically in the moment and feel the wind again.
I intend to use the experiences you share here to help me explore my own healing. If I can join in with the force of six ounces I will, but otherwise, I will let the thread find its own path.
The Question for the Group:

Has anyone else realized their numbness wasn't a flaw, but actually a long-term protection against a world that was just too loud to process? How are you learning to sense the subtle signals of your own life again?
Parents

  • This is really interesting to think about. I think alexithymia has always been there for me. My only two emotions as a child were hungry and bored! But it's hard to tell how much I've blocked out emotions as a survival thing, as you mentioned.

    I did read a book a while ago which feels relevant to this: Deep Clearing by John Ruskan. It's probably not for everyone, as it's kind of spiritual, but I found it helpful. I also read Living Untethered by Michael Singer, so I might be mixing them up.

    The book kind of guides you through a process to be able to feel emotions, that you'd usually ignore/miss/block, as physical sensations (predominantly through meditation, but also in general living). It uses the chakra system to help you identify the nature of the emotions. From memory, it also talks about how your suppressed emotions lead you to subconsciously attract similar experiences, as a way to encourage you to process the suppressed emotions.

    I found this framework helpful as you don't necessarily have to name an emotion, just focus on tuning into the physical sensation of it, and let it run it's natural course, so it's no longer trapped in your body/subconscious.

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  • This is really interesting to think about. I think alexithymia has always been there for me. My only two emotions as a child were hungry and bored! But it's hard to tell how much I've blocked out emotions as a survival thing, as you mentioned.

    I did read a book a while ago which feels relevant to this: Deep Clearing by John Ruskan. It's probably not for everyone, as it's kind of spiritual, but I found it helpful. I also read Living Untethered by Michael Singer, so I might be mixing them up.

    The book kind of guides you through a process to be able to feel emotions, that you'd usually ignore/miss/block, as physical sensations (predominantly through meditation, but also in general living). It uses the chakra system to help you identify the nature of the emotions. From memory, it also talks about how your suppressed emotions lead you to subconsciously attract similar experiences, as a way to encourage you to process the suppressed emotions.

    I found this framework helpful as you don't necessarily have to name an emotion, just focus on tuning into the physical sensation of it, and let it run it's natural course, so it's no longer trapped in your body/subconscious.

Children
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