I have been wondering if I was autistic for a while, and I really can’t tell. I was diagnosed with ADHD at about 14, and I definitely have signs of ADHD, but it’s almost like I have ADHD+, but I’m not sure I entirely have autism. But I may also just be gaslighting myself.
When I was a kid, I had a really hard time understanding indirect communication and picking up on social cues. My teachers, parents, other kids' parents, etc all noticed that they would have to be really, really direct with me, or I just wouldn’t get it. I had a hard time learning social rules, and often didn’t understand why kids were acting the way they were. For example, I didn’t understand cliques, and still don’t entirely. All the other kids had ‘assigned seating’ and I would just roam around the cafeteria and then not understand why people didn’t want to talk to me and make lots of new friends like I did. I was actually seen by a SLP for pragmatic communication challenges that were flagged in the classroom, but these skills were found to be within the normal range at the time. I also had a host of sensory issues. I actually had to go to OT as a kid for sensory seeking, and had a sensory diet at school. I didn’t feel pain or thirst, and still don’t really. I had chewlery and noise canceling ear buds. I would jump, clap, rock, flick my fingers, rub food all over myself (yes, literally all over). I was also quite hyperempathetic as a kid, and would feel so remorseful for my dolls that I would set up little houses for them because I felt so bad putting them in a bin. I had a really strong sense of justice and fairness, struggled with sharing, and was an intense perfectionist. I had a hard time making friends as a kid, and was often picked on and bullied. Yet, I still had many activities I enjoyed doing and would actively try to socialize with other kids, even if it wasn’t always successful.
In about middle school I had a good group of friends, but around 12 I started to really not fit in with my peers. I didn’t understand their humor and I could feel people drifting further and further away from me. I didn’t understand the social importance of hygiene or dressing well, so I would often not bath, shave, brush my teeth, or really attend to any forms of basic hygiene. I still struggle with this as an adult, and will often go weeks without washing my hair and days without brushing my teeth if I am left on my own. It doesn’t bother me, so I just don’t do it. I don’t mind showering, aside from that it feels like a lot of work and that I don’t really find it interesting. Around 11, I developed an intense interest in biomedical engineering. I would sit in my basement for hours and hours listening to hamilton on repeat and building prosthetics. The shows I watched were about prosthetics, I would collect photos of them, research, watch videos, and even joined a university robotics team because my skill was so advanced. All the while, I knew my peers couldn’t find out about it, so I actively avoided talking about it.
At about 14, my mental health really took a downturn. I felt so unlike other people and didn’t want to be here anymore. People kept leaving me, and I didn’t have the social skills to understand why. That was a really traumatic time for me and it has taken the better part of a decade to get over it. I didn’t understand social rules everyone else found easy. I was often pickled on without being able to tell and people would take advantage of me or try to manipulate me and I couldn’t tell. I distinctly remember the first time I wondered if I was autistic. I was driving home with my friends and was talking joyfully about the advanced team I was on, which was apparently bragging, which I am really bad at understanding. Apparently my friends were shooting each other dirty looks and my mom was trying to use her eyes to get my attention, but I was completely unaware of it until my mom shamed me afterward. I would often ‘not get the hint’. Because of my struggles, I was referred to my GP and diagnosed with social anxiety, then to a psychologist where I was diagnosed with ADHD, generalized anxiety and dyslexia. I had elevated traits for autism, but my parent reports were just subclinical. My teacher reports demonstrated high autistic traits and OCD traits, which my psychologist interpreted as social anxiety + sensory issues + “rigid and perfectionistic thinking” but I am wondering if that may have been indicative of autism at school. I was seen by a mental health therapist, who suggested I may have subclinical autism or ‘social autism’ but told my parents not to get a diagnosis because it probably wouldn’t be clinically significant. Nonetheless, I had my first boyfriend, who I suspect was also autistic, had a great time during the pandemic because I didn’t have to go to in person school, and got into gaming, which I loved because it let me be in a cave of my own world, which is something I still find very soothing.
The transition to university was really hard for me. I was so paralyzed with social anxiety that I could only talk to one person, and struggled to reach out and make friends. Eventually I did but I still felt extremely high anxiety in social situations. Around that time, maybe a bit before, I developed an obsession with autism, which I am still deeply in. I study autism in school, I work with autistic kids, I want to diagnose autism for my career, every show I watch is about autism, my books are about autism, my podcasts are about autism, I get a ‘intellectual orgasm’ when I get to talk about autism. At the same time, I love climbing and yoga, but not even close to as much as I love autism. Sometimes it’s hard to think about anything else, and I can get stuck thinking about it.
The behaviors I notice most in myself now are that I talk excessively, to the point where no one else can talk, and I get really annoyed when people cut me off, especially when I’m talking about autism. It feels like I talk in essays, and cutting me off mid essay is like interrupting someone mid-sentence. I also randomly infodump or insert ‘fun facts’ when no one else is interest. It's hard for me to think about what the other person wants me to say unless I’m consciously thinking about it, which requires a lot of mental work and self-survellience. I can be very literal, and it can be hard for me to understand jokes, but I am getting better at this. It is REALLY hard for me to read people, which I put the most mental effort into. I feel like my brain is inside out where I have a voice in my head that sizes up peoples faces and controls how I respond. I don’t feel this way all the time, and sometimes I have no idea what is happening and I have to look up faces and compare them or ask chat gpt to help me understand. I have read books on social skills, which helps me appear more normal because I know what things mean in a way I didn’t before. Eye contact doesn’t bother me at all, and I’m actually pretty good at small talk. I’ve developed a script for meeting new people that always works and that I run over and over again. I’m not always sure when to say hi to people because I have a hard time understanding social expectations and levels of closeness but am generally considered very very friendly, bubbly, confident and outgoing. Sometimes I feel like I have to project an act to fit in, but I do still know who my true self is. I am very academic and think about the world sociologically. I love noticing power hierarchies, group dynamics, etc. It feels soothing for me to have the mainframes to apply social situations to. People are very repetitive, and I like understanding the reasons for their behavior. I have done a lot fo research to understand why people do what they do. Understanding friendship and levels of closeness and probably my most pronounced social trait outside of talking a lot. I just don’t get it. I have rules to help me, but it sort of breaks my brain that people have different relationships and different people for different things. I have gotten in trouble in the past over things (for example gossiping to my boss who was my age and friendly with me) but most of the time it just makes me feel insecure because I don’t know where I stand with people. I also have had a history of having a hard time maintaining friendships, but am actually quite good at this now. Sometimes I feel so unlike other girls, like our brains are just on two completely different playing fields. Like they are very conscientious of others and follow all kids of rules and think everything is rude and I just don’t. I love my friends but don’t feel the need to do all the things to be the certain kind of way if that makes sense. I also tend to be quite literal, and can sometimes miss the bigger point of what people are trying to get at. That said, I have a high social drive and don’t really experience the ‘crash and burn’ that other people do. I defintiley experience intense rumination that can be genuinely psychologically distressing but I don’t feel tired after socializing. Most of the time I genuinely enjoy the people I’m around. I definitely still have sensory issues. Some sounds are literally painful to me. I have a hard time understanding when I need to receive medical care and I don’t know where my body is in space. I have basically no sense of thirst and get migraines because I don’t drink enough water. I love the tastes and textures of food, and frequently feel a ‘need to chew’. I love visual sensory input, and sometimes feel the need to be upside down. I stim A LOT. It is probably my most clearly autistic trait. I have the subtle stims like cracking my knuckles, pulling the skin back on my finger nails, squeezing my toes, etc, but I also hand flap when I’m excited, spin, rock, smash my back into the couch, listen to really loud music when I need to get the energy out of me, etc. I have done these things for as long as I can remember in different ways. I also listen to the same songs over and over again and have a lot fo echolalia. I’m not sure if I am rigid or not. I tend to have black and white thinking and difficulty with uncertainty and can mentally shut down or feel emotionally hyjacked over relatively small things. I have an intense sense of justice and struggle to just let things go. I don’t really have any routines and love to be spontaneous. I am very adventurous and will regularly go to new countries on a whim. I think autism may be a special interest, but I’m not sure. I do like other things as well, I just really really like autism.
Also, I have taken all of the tests (RAADS-R, AQ, Aspie, CAT-Q, monotropism questionnaire, etc) and I always fall within the autistic ranges. I have a very high RAADS-R score, I think like 153, and also score very highly on the monotropism questionnaire.
May I be autistic (not a diagnosis)? Am I just being paranoid? Do I just have ADHD?
Also, are there any terms that may help to explain my experiences? Is there something else that would better explain what I have going on?
