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Some of my responses are not going to seem fully supportive but I am trying to help you understand what is probably happening in your situation and knowing it may help you shape your decisions to something that can help.
I was originally paying her a bit of money each month for food but it seems like that has turned into rent money.
This is a normal rite of passage as someone moves into adulthood - you receive money and are expected to contribute to the costs of supporting you (food, bills, tech etc).
The future is most likely going to involve you taking more responsibility for earning and/or contributing towards these costs which can unfortunately consume most of your income so in some ways this is preparing you for what the future holds.
She threw things like "the father of my kids is dying of cancer I can't deal with this *** right now" "you sit on your backside all day" "you went to London" "you got a tattoo" in my face
The frustrations here are likelt to come from serveral sources based on what you have written. I would think these break down to:
1 - the biggest is she is dealing with a loved one dying of cancer. This is a huge stresser and for most people they would go a long way out of their way to be supportive and take away stress from the person so they can focus on the care of the person with cancer. You may be seen as being insensitive and trying to "make it about you and your food needs" when the other person has needs too. No criticism here, just explaining.
2 - It sounds like you are a financial burdon on the family and your special food needs probably create extra work in purchasing, preparation and cleanup. In this situation I would recommend offering to do other housework tasks to compensate and start to pay for your rent by being useful around the house, doing washing, cleaning, ironing etc.
3 - you seem to be becoming isolated through your food issues. Have you considered getting therapy to help you address these? This is probably more useful than spending money on a tattoo etc although way less interesting. It is something that will be seen by the family as you being serious about making a chance and not being frivolous with your money.
The solution is sitting down and figuring out how I can be helped and have my feelings and past trauma considered for, but I don't think she's that type of person and I fear the solution is moving back in with my mum again
Remember to learn from your mistakes. Food issues and other peoples inability to do things the way you want were why you moved out from your mum in the first place. Going back will only be going from the frying pan into the fire.
Personally I think your only real option is to learn to become independent in preparing your own food - not just for now but for the rest of your life. You can see your current approach has led to serious issues with those who care for you and in the outside world you are unlikely to find people with more toleralnce (probably way less) so enabling yourself is the most effective solution.
If I were in your shoes I would try to work with a therapist who understands autism and your food issues and work on a plan to let you take control in a way that works for you and your family. The skills you learn here will last you through the rest of your life.
You say you cannont be independent with food - this is something that I hope the therapist can help you overcome.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do and I hope the above helps frame things in a way that is useful to you.
Why are you on this website if you cannot understand autism and are trying to make out that I need to change & this situation is somehow my fault? My family does not create special food for me. We all eat things like pasta together which is incredibly simple to prepare. I already do other housework tasks. A family member should want to care about me and help me as a disabled person.
I am a diagnosed autist with 58 years experience of living with the difficulties it brings - that explains why I am here.
Can you explain in more depth what you describe as your "food diffiulties" for us please?
she's suddenly put loads of rules in place, very vaguely explaining them that I apparently need to buy and cook everything
This explains:
I came downstairs and saw them eating things that we all eat a few times and it made me feel awful, I had been excluded.
It sounds like they were simply doing what they said.
A family member should want to care about me and help me as a disabled person.
This is an ideal situation but few of us receive this sort of care in the real world. This is the reason I am trying to encourage you to learn to find ways to do things for yourself IF there is a way to do so. Most of our issues are mental and there are ways of learning to adapt to cope for things if we have to, and being able to eat would fall into the "have to" category.
I am trying to help you help yourself and not depend on others - please don't think I am just being mean.
Please be respectful to one another in discussions. Reminder of rule 7. Disagreements are fine but personal attacks insults and swearing are not. Respect other viewpoints and avoid escalating arguments.
Do more research on your own disability