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wanting a partner but not having an innate desire.

aurelis

I wanted to share my situation for anyone who would be able to relate. I’m 26 and never been in a relationship. This is not a huge insecurity to me. I would like to be in one, but also I don’t align with the way I see relationships around me as all consuming. I am used to building friendships, and so I have friendships that I’ve invested in, but not naturally felt the inclination towards romantic relationships.

i have had romantic feelings towards people before. Deep down, I enjoy being a free bird, exploring and being curious. I deeply treasure my friendships, regardless of gender . To give those friendships of the opposite sex up for a relationship doesn’t make sense to me. Especially my analytical mind likes to listen to new perspectives, and I’ve learnt lots from friends and allowed myself to consider their stories. I want a relationship where I can still be myself, and yet be able to really treasure the partner I’m with. I think I’ve grown up and learnt to see this decision as something to take my time with, and with my sensitive heart, I want to take time with my choice.

I want to make a natural decision to be in a relationship, but take the step to be honest with the person I like about my perspective , so that through the honesty I may be able to see if it’s something I really want. I feel a hardened part of me that feels like can be softened in a romantic relationship, not as a distraction, but in a deeper way.

i push and pull wishing whether I could have more experience in dating, intimacy and sex matters, but also I don’t feel it’s worth the energy to “collect experience” when there’s many things I’m curious in. I’ve been told in the past that I seem aloof, that I don’t try (I’ve had romantic advances, which because I wasn’t sure how to navigate, I navigated away from in a very masking way, until I struggled to mentally breathe and find what I really wanted.

 I want to be in a relationship that isn’t the way I see in modern dating. but I want to see if it feels worth it to be in a relationship. I’m not afraid of mistakes (I was before, and that and the fact of masking my feelings for people has made this really challenging to open up in the way I feel to), I want to grow with someone in a romantic way, but without compromising on the essence of me. Any thoughts?

Parents

  • My own experience is, if you find someone that you mesh with and you fall for them in a big way, all caution goes out of the window. I did not have a meaningful romantic relationship until I was 30, we married 5 years later (geographical and work problems intervened) and have been married now for 29 years. I have zero regrets and much to be thankful for.

    I was very cautious of getting involved with anyone for many years before meeting my future wife, as I am very soft-hearted and could easily see myself sliding towards marriage with someone less than ideal and not having the ability to break things off. However, this was not an issue when I found myself head over heels in love. It appears that my instincts in that regard are reliable.

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  • My own experience is, if you find someone that you mesh with and you fall for them in a big way, all caution goes out of the window. I did not have a meaningful romantic relationship until I was 30, we married 5 years later (geographical and work problems intervened) and have been married now for 29 years. I have zero regrets and much to be thankful for.

    I was very cautious of getting involved with anyone for many years before meeting my future wife, as I am very soft-hearted and could easily see myself sliding towards marriage with someone less than ideal and not having the ability to break things off. However, this was not an issue when I found myself head over heels in love. It appears that my instincts in that regard are reliable.

Children
  • in reply to Martin

    Thank you for this. I often get told that I’m very attractive and ideal as a man, in different ways, and I was used to brushing it off. I mean, how should I respond - by taking every opportunity offered to me? I have a very soft heart too, and although I feel some regret for not taking a leap, I know that if I choose someone, I’ll fully commit my whole self to them. And if something collapsed, I don’t know how I’d recover. I think I’m in a better state than I was to be able to accept things won’t be perfect, and if something doesn’t work out, I could move on better I think.

    i wonder how you know you’ve found the right person, if it’s something you were very cautious of. What made you stop to finally let go of your caution?

    And on a side note, do you mind me asking if you had children, and if so, at what age? It’s something that I worry about - I think I do want children, but i want to be “ready” to have children…I feel as if I want enough time to do what I need to do before having children, and it’s something I’m afraid of. Sorry if it’s too personal, you don’t have to answer