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Late diagnosis + realisation + identity

ST

Hi, 

I'm in my early 20s and I strongly suspect that I am autistic (AuDHD) . The online tests I have taken say I am, but that does not completely reassure me. I have seen a GP and I am on a waiting list but I don't feel confident that I will be able to secure a test, or afford one through a private provider. I was hoping someone might be able to offer some advice. 

It started about half a year ago. Someone who has spent a lot of time with autistic people said they strongly suspect that I have autism. Their comment didn't register immediately but once I started looking back at my experiences, the penny dropped like an anvil. The more I looked into it, the more I was shocked that the ways I experienced life were not unique to me. I never really thought about them, collectively, as a symptom of a border feature so the surveys surprisingly helped a bunch once I started researching. I had seen CAMHS for most of my teen years and had a fairly tumultuous upbringing (ended up in foster care (only child to) ) moving around a lot (I think around 12+ times now) so I didn't have the stability to clock it or to be around other people for long enough for them to ( I can't maintain relationships). CAMHS diagnosed me with depression and anxiety, which is what I believed was the source of feeling like a square on a circle, but even though I got better at managing my mental health, the strange feeling persisted (Is there a word for this?). 

I am deeply confused because I'm not sure if my experiences are a result of trauma or neurodiversity. The fact that I suspect I have both autistic and ADHD traits makes it even more confusing (+ the frustration that it took so long to register). This confusion, confusingly coming from clarity that I did not have before,  is having a bit of a frustrating and negative impact on my career and relationships. I have masked my entire life so nothing feels real and I'm second-guessing everything, I am trying to find and do things that make me more comfortable which I feel like might be isolate me , and I have lost a lot of confidence because I'm overthinking more than I used to. 

I wanted to ask what helped. Does a formal diagnosis help? How long does it take and what does it take to reframe yourself in a way that is not unhealthy? Could I be wrong about myself? How do you learn ( because functioning in a neurotypical world will require sacrifices) what to 'encourage' yourself to do? Is it all trial and error (I have a horrible feeling it might be) or are there (free) resources out there? I genuinely feel like I have been set back to 0 so I am questioning everything. I would greatly appreciate any suggestions or insights. Thank you for taking the time to read this Slight smile

Parents

  • Hi, for me realisation means a lot, because everything suddenly started making sense. If I ever get assessed and my assessors decide that im autistic,  then it would be just a confirmation.  If they say I'm not, I would like them to tell me what they suspect instead. Fie me identity is not so important, I'm just myself. But the belonging is for me very important. That's what this site gave me. There are various pros and cons and carious experiences of diagnosed people. I have a good reason to try- therapies and local support group. I could join if I have the official diagnosis,  they wrote me an email. I still have ongoing therapy and I will discuss it with my therapist. He asked me once if I imagine myself having this diagnosis. I replied blankly I don't know. He hi.self cannot diagnose me, but he said he works with autistic adults and he is convinced,  that im one of them. We will see. I would be only very lonely and heartbroken if I turn out to not belong here or anywhere else.

Reply

  • Hi, for me realisation means a lot, because everything suddenly started making sense. If I ever get assessed and my assessors decide that im autistic,  then it would be just a confirmation.  If they say I'm not, I would like them to tell me what they suspect instead. Fie me identity is not so important, I'm just myself. But the belonging is for me very important. That's what this site gave me. There are various pros and cons and carious experiences of diagnosed people. I have a good reason to try- therapies and local support group. I could join if I have the official diagnosis,  they wrote me an email. I still have ongoing therapy and I will discuss it with my therapist. He asked me once if I imagine myself having this diagnosis. I replied blankly I don't know. He hi.self cannot diagnose me, but he said he works with autistic adults and he is convinced,  that im one of them. We will see. I would be only very lonely and heartbroken if I turn out to not belong here or anywhere else.

Children
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