When will someone tell me the truth?

Thanks Stuart. 

Hello, sorry there are been no replies.

I have been thinking about this.

I am now in a position where I can think clearly and I have been wondering why I have had so many issues. I have like a watcher function that watches what my brain is doing, so even when dysregulated I am still noting what I think, then I can recall it later.

I have realised I have mode dependent thinking. If stressed I think differently to when calm. Everyone does this to some extent, but it is not normally noticeable. I am not always aware of being stressed, at least not till it gets to a certain level. Plus if you are sensitive getting stressed is easier, particularly if you are self-conscious and trying to be normal.

So what does this mean? You will pick up on external cues which can make you calm, or they can trigger a response. Your nervous system can perceive a threat, you may not notice or even agree it is a threat, but it will start reacting. This can cause a mode shift, such as into fight/flight mode, but it can be a bit more subtle than that, let's say into threat mode..

This means you have a threat response. This heightens looking for threats. People looking at you are no long just curious but you treat them as a risk. People who say something unexpected, even minor, are now out to trick you or are a threat. Jokes are now not funny and personal. You turn up the gain on your hearing, so things are louder, you pick out small sounds, your tinnitus gets louder. Your vision gets better looking for small things. Your brain has partly shut down the normal rational thinking part. This is all stress related.

If you are tired this is activated more easily.

With ASD you have a nervous system that may be more sensitive, maybe drains you more, but also takes longer to settle afterwards.

You can't tell from the inside. You just think some people are more threatening. You just make poorer decisions, you just want to escape. If you can't escape you keep going but build up a kind of nervous debt that has to be repaid later 

Places and people that keep your nervous system calm, allow you to function normally. Also time of day makes a difference as does what you did before, as it is all about how primed your nervous system is.

This is where it is confusing as you can't make obvious rules. Even worse unpredictable people put you permanently on edge.

Even if you notice this stuff, you can't think your way out of it. Your nervous system is not completely under conscious control. Your nervous system is doing what it evolved for, which it to spot threats and keep you alive. To calm it requires a change in conditions, such as withdrawal, breathing exercises, sleep (although this hard if you are fully of adrenaline and cortisol), and relaxing.

What can you do? You have to lower the nervous system baseline, through sleep, relaxation exercises,  trying to deal with issues. You then need to note the things that are causing stress and control or avoid them. You need to learn that these thoughts will pass. When the nervous system calms down it will be easier. So don't do anything rash while dysregulated.

Note that while dysregulated black and white thinking comes, it narrows your thinking range so you see fewer options and become less clever,  also your mind looks at previous times for how to escape this time. You literally have less bandwidth to think so can become confused, and recalling previous times is unsettling and possibly scary. You can also incorrectly remember previous times. You tend to look for simple explanations, like it was all my fault. Everything is a disaster. Everything is ripped apart. It is hopeless.

The real solution is be be calmer and train your nervous system to view fewer things as threats. This is why repeated exposure can help sometimes to lower the threat as it knows nothing bad happened last time.

You don't have to always be this way, or at least not so chronically activated. If you have been in this state a long time it takes time to get out of it .

Then you will be able to think better and make small steps. But sleep really is the number one best step as it calms the system. If you can sleep well, just note how you feel when you wake up, assuming you had no bad dreams.

I terms of the truth about what has happened, it is hard for other people to say. The info is hidden away somewhere inside,  but accessing it is hard and it requires piecing things together. But be careful about excavating details about you past as it can be destabilising and re-traumatised you (which is what I did). If you want to do it, try to be calm first, only do it in the day, not at night, limit thinking time, try not to spiral,  actively calm yourself afterwards. If it makes you worse stop. Don't do it every day.

Being regulated is the main goal.

I hope this can help a bit.