Hello,
I have been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD in my thirties with my wedding being the trigger for meltdowns and burnout.
I have had mental health difficulties all life and These difficulties became more severe over time, resulting in a mental/ nervous breakdown in my early twenties. This was just before I met my significant other. Unfortunately, I was not supported by my intimate circle and felt rejected, as mental health was not accepted where I came from. I have also experienced being compared to others and put down for my body image and how I sound/ interact with the world. I was never encouraged to seek treatment for my condition and had to seek my support network in secret, as I would get shouted at or shunned when I was trying to seek help for my health condition. The way I was treated when I was ill, changed my relationship with these people and made me want to run away from where I came from, which I did. I moved in with my partner and wanted to start all over again, without too much interference from those that rejected me before.
14 months ago, before I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD, my partner did a surprise proposal on holiday. it was a big romantic gesture and he had thought about it for a year, he said. I have never liked surprises or big gestures, so this actually disturbed me .
however, this is when I started to develop severe mental health issues again. I wanted the world to swallow me up as I did not understand the concept of why he wanted our relationship to change, when we were completely fine as we were. the wedding caused attention to be centred around me and I just could not stand it. in my heart, I had never truly recovered from those feelings of rejection and hurtful behaviour. this combined with the constant decision-making and emotional challenges that come with a wedding, quickly overwhelmed me and I deteriorated very very quickly.
my partner unfortunately let me take control of the whole wedding without much input or intervention as he wanted me to have the wedding. I wanted . however, I did not know what I wanted and this quickly scrambled my head, as there was thousands of decisions to make with a finality attached to them and I just could not manage or keep up. I was getting overwhelmed with shades of bridesmaid dresses, the absolute decision of my dress, the wedding , the suppliers. every decision became a threat and made me Completely emotionally vacant inside.
I was also getting pressured from those people I’d moved away from to Rush and get everything sorted even when I had months months to do this. I do not care about such things, I would have had a cheap and cheerful wedding or maybe even eloped, as I simply just did not care about any of it. however more people started to tell me how I was feeling and what I needed for the wedding, even if they knew it wasn’t my thing in the first place.
I understand now, that this was autistic burnout as I had to seek treatment for my mental health, as I was very unwell and was having meltdowns, chaotic behaviour, and self neglect almost every day. I was comparing myself to non-autistic brides, with good loving networks, ability to look forward to the day and be the centr of attention and became overwhelmed with envy and anger that I could not have what they had,
my partner blamed himself because if he had never asked me to marry him, we may have been blissfully unaware that I was autistic in the first place and we would have carried on as we were. my deterioration of mental health has really affected him as well, as he can see just how ill I have become. we had a frank conversation about our situation and he says he completely misread our circumstances, did not realise the severity of my lack of self esteem and baggage from not having a good supportive network. and he feels guilty that he did not intervene or take the stress away from me. he also feels guilty that old wounds have destroyed my confidence as I was never encouraged in life and people have been cruel to me. even my wedding dress was criticised because of my body shape and I am always the one to mock or criticise at gatherings/ functions.
Over the past couple of months, I have actually told everyone what I really think of them and after the wedding I just want to be left alone. These interactions have been very verbally aggressive on my side as I wanted to address those old wounds.
I feel so ashamed as this was supposed to be a happy process and should have been a good time in life. But it simply hasn’t been. it has strained our relationship that was actually very happy and my partner is deeply impacted emotionally. It has just been such a low time for both of us, when it should have been so happy.
I am trying to accept the diagnosis and start the happy process from here but I still encounter more criticism with hurtful comments about the way I look and my choices, from those that I do not really want near me. This dents my confidence and then I go into severe depression which undoes all the positive work I have done since the diagnosis. It is destroying my sense of self and also bringing my Partner down with me, which is heartbreaking.
Has anyone else ever experienced this? Was their wedding planning as hard as this and if so, how did you make it easier for yourself?