I saw some videos in the internet, that autism is just a different operating system and comes with super powers. Some people make profits out of these superpowers. But mine are useless or even disturbing- like my biographical memory. I remember conversations and situations like movies, memories 20, 30 years old or more (I'm 37) and I have quite vivid memories starting from age 3, short after I started speaking. Most of my family members are mad, that I remember exactly, what they said. There are my linguistic talents, Russian was my special interest, the biggest love of my youth. It tastes like a coffee with orange, sometimes bitter, sometimes a bit sweet and sour, I used to speak Russian so perfectly that russian-speaking people didn't recognise that it's not my first language. The only thing they found weird was my flat expression. For that reason I was also asked in my country if I'm a foreigner (while talking my first language).
Then there is ability to type fast Russian letters on a keyboard without the stickers, I know the layout by heart, I had people including russians amazed that I can do it. It feels like a massage of the back side of my brain, it's pleasant but for long - exhausting. English is not my first language either.
I studied logistics in a college, I was specialist for any schemes and plans. It also happened to me in various situations to find an easy solution that noone thought about. I was very much wanted for projects, because I often made the biggest part of it, but then nobody wanted to hang out with me.
And yet most of my former colleagues from the college make good careers, good money, develop. And I'm stuck pacing my kitchen for hours everyday because I can't stop. I write stories about aliens and space, but its useless. It's just my love, I hope this one for ever. It's useless because it does not serve any purpose. I'm emotional like a child while watching a helicopter taking off or cry while reading the last Opportunity Rover's message from Mars to Nasa. My languages are useless because I can't start any more serious job or business, I struggle a lot with forgetting words mid sentence, typing on Russian keyboard without stickers also makes no sense, being creative and imaginative just makes me more childish. I wanted to try IT or Graphic designing professionally, but I can't sit so long in front if a screen, I used to work in front of computer 8 hour shifts and I had terrible headaches, my eyes were itching I couldn't look anymore, needed additional breaks. In retail or restaurant it was also nightmare, that ended up in a psych hospital. I failed in retail because of my monotonous speech, I was told I have to modulate my voice and keep better eye contact and I had my contract terminated. Now im working in a warehouse part time for the lowest salary. This job is absolutely best out of all previous ones. It leaves me exhausted, but I cope somehow. And I keep hearing, what I'm doing in a warehouse with my knowledge and skills... I can't drive a car. So sometimes it all sucks, comes with superpowers that are useless and additionally with other problems to deal. I don't have meltdowns anymore because I learned and finally succeeded in avoiding them. I would like to have usefull superpowers, that I could somehow profit out of. But my situation is not that miserable, after all I'm employed and earn some money. Of course there is fear of the future, fear of changes, company going bankrupt and finding another job etc. That's probably not unique.
Some people have useful superpowers, others- not. This post is very negative, I'm sorry. I hope you all had a good Christmas and let's survive the new year night. In my town it's like a third world war - I call it this way.
