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a game of social dynamics chess

aurelis

Hello,

It's been a very long time since I was last on here. I wanted to share with you all somethign I noticed over the past three or four months. I have been studying socialisation, like a game, or a refined art form. In the sense that I have become very perceptive to people and how they are. I realised that I was always this sensitive, but felt like I couldn't fully express it as being 'too sensitive' is considered a flaw. I've realised the things I was suppressing due to social norms, like my emotions and feelings, and realised to start accomodating myself. I have picked up on every detail of every conversation with a pinpoint precision, which I then churn through ym computer system to find my own patterns in human behaviour. In this sense, socialisation is very much a manual process, manual because it has had to be from an autistic perspective, but a very interesting experiment. I don't mean to share this to come across like a sociopath, because I deeply care for people. it's just that is the way I;ve seen it.

On the other end, the more I do this, the more I almost put up my own wall. I am still somewhat accomodating others before myself, and will increase and decrease the social dials in my settings bespoke according to each situation, so that I can work out whether a situation requires 20% of me, or 80% of me. If someone annoys me, I quickly process what it is specifically that is annoying me about them, and find a way to filter that, whether it's through silence, or through telling them how  I feel. It does make me wonder though, whether I will find people that understand this. Last time I was on here, I was not quite aware of this as I am now, but navigating the world in this acute way allows me to sensitively pick up on how to take care of those around me in a nuanced way, and although is more exhausting, is very very rewarding. It does require that I am uncompromising about myself, so I am more myself than I have ever been. The balance is trying to balance myself against how to recognise how others' individual needs are. Although, I have no idea how I will navigate a romantic relationship, and I am very nervous about that.

Can anyone else relate?

Parents

  • I have this problem.i am over 100 on the CATQ test, I don’t consider my self to be high masking but this is moderate-high and very energy consuming. Extra energy I don’t have to give out. The workplace is designed around what I used to think were called extroverts what I now know to be neurotypical. The problem is so pervasive that any questioning of these flawed systems is viewed as a mutiny. All you can do is stay quiet, even then they (NT) will probably get rid of you. I must have lost 10+ jobs asking very simple questions which could not be answered. If everyone is complicit how can I perform to a high degree? How will others see that a company or team can be performing MUCH better? It’s like working towards nothing, so you have to have some coping mechanisms in order to survive in such environments (under what is technically hostility, sometimes bordering on discrimination). I have had big issues with this every day of my adult life (with people not wanting to employ me, being plain rude to my face, or trying to get rid of me), if I want to work in an office I cannot show my complete identity - which leaves me in a position whereby I am walked over, perceived as weak or stupid or inexperienced. I compare it a bit to playing a game with a smart 5 year old child. They don’t like losing, they move the goalposts if the think they might be wrong. The rely on the support of those around them even if their aims are mindless. Huddle together like they are at a football match. I’m really tired of giving the benefit of the doubt to people who don’t respect people as people. Also seeing that working really is going towards nowhere except for making the wrong people richer. I realised a while ago that simply engaging in the workplace is also putting myself at a disadvantage (in an environment which has been offset).

Reply

  • I have this problem.i am over 100 on the CATQ test, I don’t consider my self to be high masking but this is moderate-high and very energy consuming. Extra energy I don’t have to give out. The workplace is designed around what I used to think were called extroverts what I now know to be neurotypical. The problem is so pervasive that any questioning of these flawed systems is viewed as a mutiny. All you can do is stay quiet, even then they (NT) will probably get rid of you. I must have lost 10+ jobs asking very simple questions which could not be answered. If everyone is complicit how can I perform to a high degree? How will others see that a company or team can be performing MUCH better? It’s like working towards nothing, so you have to have some coping mechanisms in order to survive in such environments (under what is technically hostility, sometimes bordering on discrimination). I have had big issues with this every day of my adult life (with people not wanting to employ me, being plain rude to my face, or trying to get rid of me), if I want to work in an office I cannot show my complete identity - which leaves me in a position whereby I am walked over, perceived as weak or stupid or inexperienced. I compare it a bit to playing a game with a smart 5 year old child. They don’t like losing, they move the goalposts if the think they might be wrong. The rely on the support of those around them even if their aims are mindless. Huddle together like they are at a football match. I’m really tired of giving the benefit of the doubt to people who don’t respect people as people. Also seeing that working really is going towards nowhere except for making the wrong people richer. I realised a while ago that simply engaging in the workplace is also putting myself at a disadvantage (in an environment which has been offset).

Children
  • in reply to pietro_21

    There is a time and place to say things and also a right and wrong way to do it.

    Often problems are known but there are reasons something is done a certain way that you are not aware of. There can be a lot more constraints than you see. Management can keep these from people for a number of reasons. Just calling everyone else stupid gets you fired.

    Sometimes the problem is not known but it is not the time or place to say it. Asking smart ass questions that you know can't be answered to make others look bad just makes enemies and gets you fired.

    If you want to contribute to improvements, you need to be more discrete. But mostly you need to point out workable solutions, not just problems

    Saying something is crap and doesn't work when everyone knows it is not helpful and disruptive. Saying if you had twice the money it would better is not practical. Saying some deadline is BS may be true, but that's how it is.

    But suggesting changes that will make things more efficient, productive, faster, easier are well received if thought out and presented properly. Not all changes can be done straight away though, or may cause too much disruption. But if you present solutions you will get a lot more support and respect. People will also work with you and can share reasons why something may not be possible, so you get more information that you didn't know 

    I learnt this a long time ago. I still see younger people doing it, pointing problems but they have no solution. The solution is the hard bit.

    You sometimes need to build consensus and support too. 

    Ultimately though, if people don't agree, you have to accept it. It's their money they can do what they want. The only time I get more involved is if it threatens people's jobs.

  • in reply to pietro_21
    pietro_21 said:
    I must have lost 10+ jobs asking very simple questions which could not be answered.

    Can I ask why, in light of the fact that you know asking these questions will probably lose you your job, do you keep asking them? Track record shows this is a very bad idea.

    pietro_21 said:
    I compare it a bit to playing a game with a smart 5 year old child. They don’t like losing

    They normally hold the power (as far as employment goes) so sometimes it helps to let them win. You gain nothing from your approach but have a lot to lose.

    pietro_21 said:
    I realised a while ago that simply engaging in the workplace is also putting myself at a disadvantage

    I think it is healthier to consider that learning the rules and following them is a much safer approach. 

    The workplace is setup for the 99.4% of workers who are not autistic (assuming 3% of people are autistic and only 20% work) which seems reasonable - we are the outsiders trying to gain access to this when we want a job so learning the rules that govern the vast majority is a more reliable approach than expecting all of them to adapt to us.

    Yes it sucks, but if you need to pay the bills to live then is makes a lot more sense than always fighting the system.

    All in my opinion only of course.