Hello,
It's been a very long time since I was last on here. I wanted to share with you all somethign I noticed over the past three or four months. I have been studying socialisation, like a game, or a refined art form. In the sense that I have become very perceptive to people and how they are. I realised that I was always this sensitive, but felt like I couldn't fully express it as being 'too sensitive' is considered a flaw. I've realised the things I was suppressing due to social norms, like my emotions and feelings, and realised to start accomodating myself. I have picked up on every detail of every conversation with a pinpoint precision, which I then churn through ym computer system to find my own patterns in human behaviour. In this sense, socialisation is very much a manual process, manual because it has had to be from an autistic perspective, but a very interesting experiment. I don't mean to share this to come across like a sociopath, because I deeply care for people. it's just that is the way I;ve seen it.
On the other end, the more I do this, the more I almost put up my own wall. I am still somewhat accomodating others before myself, and will increase and decrease the social dials in my settings bespoke according to each situation, so that I can work out whether a situation requires 20% of me, or 80% of me. If someone annoys me, I quickly process what it is specifically that is annoying me about them, and find a way to filter that, whether it's through silence, or through telling them how I feel. It does make me wonder though, whether I will find people that understand this. Last time I was on here, I was not quite aware of this as I am now, but navigating the world in this acute way allows me to sensitively pick up on how to take care of those around me in a nuanced way, and although is more exhausting, is very very rewarding. It does require that I am uncompromising about myself, so I am more myself than I have ever been. The balance is trying to balance myself against how to recognise how others' individual needs are. Although, I have no idea how I will navigate a romantic relationship, and I am very nervous about that.
Can anyone else relate?
