So I was referred to Neuropsychology for an assessment to look at my strengths and weaknesses (and to rule out dyslexia or ADHD) following my APD diagnosis, and turns out the report came back with IQ scores.
My verbal IQ is 101 (average) while my processing IQ is 132 (very superior).
I have spent the past 48 hours googling and ChatGPTing (yes, I know I shouldn't use ai) because the report didn't say much apart from attributing the large discrepancy between verbal IQ and processing IQ to the fact that I speak 4 languages and I am not native to England.
However, this is adding another layer of existential crisis, because, while I knew I was smart, I never thought I was on the top 2% of the population, and paired with my autism diagnosis last year, this brings me so much "finally, I understand why I have felt like this all my life" while at the same time, so much grief about what my life could have been if I had known earlier about all this (I am 41).
I am longing for a space to talk about this with someone who understands. No one in my environment can understand. My husband says "well done" and "I am proud of you", and while I love him for how much support he gives me, I don't know how to articulate that finding out about this doesn't exactly feel "proud". I don't know how to explain it. But I feel alone and misunderstood.
And I feel like all the advice therapists gave me about trying to connect with others and about my dislike for people and my isolation being such a problem, wasn't probably the best advice, and the reason why every time I tried to make friends and connect with people I felt even lonelier and even more like an alien, was not because of me having trauma and needing to fix myself, but because turns out I really was different from most people, and I was simply looking for connections in the wrong places and with the wrong people.
I wish I had known earlier that there is nothing wrong with needing extensive alone time and needing time to focus on study, with needing things to be tidy and a certain way, and needing structure and time tables, and with not wanting connections with most people. All these years trying to fight against my autism and feeling like I am probably a narcissist because I deep down believe that most people that surround me are not as intelligent as me, and trying so hard in therapy to be a functional human being. Turns out I was using the wrong approach altogether. And I wish I had listened to a friend of mine the first time she told me that she was autistic and gifted and that she believed I was too. I dismissed her for years thinking that she was projecting, but turns out she was right and I wish I had believed her the first time.
I hope I am not sounding pendantic with all of this.
