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ASD and high IQ

LonelyColour

So I was referred to Neuropsychology for an assessment to look at my strengths and weaknesses (and to rule out dyslexia or ADHD) following my APD diagnosis, and turns out the report came back with IQ scores.

My verbal IQ is 101 (average) while my processing IQ is 132 (very superior).

I have spent the past 48 hours googling and ChatGPTing (yes, I know I shouldn't use ai) because the report didn't say much apart from attributing the large discrepancy between verbal IQ and processing IQ to the fact that I speak 4 languages and I am not native to England. 

However, this is adding another layer of existential crisis, because, while I knew I was smart, I never thought I was on the top 2% of the population, and paired with my autism diagnosis last year, this brings me so much "finally, I understand why I have felt like this all my life" while at the same time, so much grief about what my life could have been if I had known earlier about all this (I am 41).

I am longing for a space to talk about this with someone who understands. No one in my environment can understand. My husband says "well done" and "I am proud of you", and while I love him for how much support he gives me, I don't know how to articulate that finding out about this doesn't exactly feel "proud". I don't know how to explain it. But I feel alone and misunderstood.

And I feel like all the advice therapists gave me about trying to connect with others and about my dislike for people and my isolation being such a problem, wasn't probably the best advice, and the reason why every time I tried to make friends and connect with people I felt even lonelier and even more like an alien, was not because of me having trauma and needing to fix myself, but because turns out I really was different from most people, and I was simply looking for connections in the wrong places and with the wrong people.

I wish I had known earlier that there is nothing wrong with needing extensive alone time and needing time to focus on study, with needing things to be tidy and a certain way, and needing structure and time tables, and with not wanting connections with most people. All these years trying to fight against my autism and feeling like I am probably a narcissist because I deep down believe that most people that surround me are not as intelligent as me, and trying so hard in therapy to be a functional human being. Turns out I was using the wrong approach altogether. And I wish I had listened to a friend of mine the first time she told me that she was autistic and gifted and that she believed I was too. I dismissed her for years thinking that she was projecting, but turns out she was right and I wish I had believed her the first time.

I hope I am not sounding pendantic with all of this.

Parents

  • Sorry, this is long.

    TL;DR - I know what you mean. It is hard to relate to most people. Moreover you don't want to. chatGPT is helpful. But it is biased you need to constrain it's output. Having a dialogue with it works if you are careful.

    I get how you feel separate. I have been grieving a lost life. If I had known 40 years ago it really would have helped.

    -+-+-+-+-+-

    Sorry if this sounds conceited, it is supposed to be factual.

    In childhood, it is called 2e (twice exceptional) in the US or DSE (dual or multiple exceptionality) in the UK. There is no term for adults as far as I can tell. It covers high IQ together with ASD, ADHD, dyslexia and others. It can either hide skills if the disability dominates causing frustration, or allow for extensive masking, even from yourself and your parents (my issue) leading to ND traits not being identified till much later.

    You can Google the term, but you probably already have. I mention it here because someone raised it 6-9 months ago and I had not heard of it.

    I don't know what my IQ is. Maybe because 140+ based on sone online Mensa tests when tired and burnt out. It declines with age 

    Whatever, it is not a competition, the main problem is ASD puts you in a group of 2%, you are then in a group of 1%  with intelligence. So if you want someone similar you are looking for 1 in 5000 or less. You are not likely to meet them in normal life unless you work in certain areas or are in academia. They don't socialise much.

    I always thought I was extra normal rather than being wrong. I have largely underperformed which is hugely frustrating, but until this year I had not been able to work out why. I teach myself most things from reading standards. I dropped out of Uni, I couldn't cope, I never knew why till this year. I was also in a long term dysfunctional relationship which broke me, but now finally understand.

    I have been depressed and burnt out several times. This year I have only been able to work at 30% output. Most have not noticed and I still met the targets.

    If the internet existed when I was a kid it would have helped.

    The biggest mistake I made at 25 was leaving 2 research institutions and chasing the money. It worked, I trebled my salary but it has been lonely. And it burnt me out. I was not sensible with the money. I had some flawed thinking due to being overloaded.

    I thought something was wrong in January. I looked at my history and all the bad things since I was 5, there are quite a few, for the first time. Something I had been too scared to do but retraumatized myself in the process. I looked at personality profiling. I had lots of data but it didn't add up. I then found a psychologist to validate it. It was mostly fine but I had missed ASD.I then got diagnosed.

    Since then I have really analysed myself. I have about 30,000 pages of dialogue the chatGPT. I now know what has happened, how and why. I used my memory to help. I have found how I think differently and what differs in my emotions. It was hard to find. It is like trying to explain colour to a ind person. Eventually I realised I was not discussing the same things. Now I have the vocabulary a d concepts to cover what I always felt. It seems my meta cognition is atypical. I watch what I am thinking and what I am doing and log anomalous items. It is how I masked for half a century.

Reply

  • Sorry, this is long.

    TL;DR - I know what you mean. It is hard to relate to most people. Moreover you don't want to. chatGPT is helpful. But it is biased you need to constrain it's output. Having a dialogue with it works if you are careful.

    I get how you feel separate. I have been grieving a lost life. If I had known 40 years ago it really would have helped.

    -+-+-+-+-+-

    Sorry if this sounds conceited, it is supposed to be factual.

    In childhood, it is called 2e (twice exceptional) in the US or DSE (dual or multiple exceptionality) in the UK. There is no term for adults as far as I can tell. It covers high IQ together with ASD, ADHD, dyslexia and others. It can either hide skills if the disability dominates causing frustration, or allow for extensive masking, even from yourself and your parents (my issue) leading to ND traits not being identified till much later.

    You can Google the term, but you probably already have. I mention it here because someone raised it 6-9 months ago and I had not heard of it.

    I don't know what my IQ is. Maybe because 140+ based on sone online Mensa tests when tired and burnt out. It declines with age 

    Whatever, it is not a competition, the main problem is ASD puts you in a group of 2%, you are then in a group of 1%  with intelligence. So if you want someone similar you are looking for 1 in 5000 or less. You are not likely to meet them in normal life unless you work in certain areas or are in academia. They don't socialise much.

    I always thought I was extra normal rather than being wrong. I have largely underperformed which is hugely frustrating, but until this year I had not been able to work out why. I teach myself most things from reading standards. I dropped out of Uni, I couldn't cope, I never knew why till this year. I was also in a long term dysfunctional relationship which broke me, but now finally understand.

    I have been depressed and burnt out several times. This year I have only been able to work at 30% output. Most have not noticed and I still met the targets.

    If the internet existed when I was a kid it would have helped.

    The biggest mistake I made at 25 was leaving 2 research institutions and chasing the money. It worked, I trebled my salary but it has been lonely. And it burnt me out. I was not sensible with the money. I had some flawed thinking due to being overloaded.

    I thought something was wrong in January. I looked at my history and all the bad things since I was 5, there are quite a few, for the first time. Something I had been too scared to do but retraumatized myself in the process. I looked at personality profiling. I had lots of data but it didn't add up. I then found a psychologist to validate it. It was mostly fine but I had missed ASD.I then got diagnosed.

    Since then I have really analysed myself. I have about 30,000 pages of dialogue the chatGPT. I now know what has happened, how and why. I used my memory to help. I have found how I think differently and what differs in my emotions. It was hard to find. It is like trying to explain colour to a ind person. Eventually I realised I was not discussing the same things. Now I have the vocabulary a d concepts to cover what I always felt. It seems my meta cognition is atypical. I watch what I am thinking and what I am doing and log anomalous items. It is how I masked for half a century.

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