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Any advice for a mum of adult daughter with recent diagnosis

Kimberly

Hi everyone 

I am new to this group and looking for any advice or support you can offer. 
my 28 year old daughter has recently got herself a private autism diagnosis. It seems that the whole 20 years when she lived at home were a mask. I was oblivious to this at the time and as a single mum loved having my loving affectionate caring daughter. 

for the past 7 years she has I assume become her true self with her small circle of friends also having autism. 

I am usually a bubbly adult. I work with foster children and children with complex needs so autism isn’t a new concept to me and I’ve done many training courses. However it is so different when it’s your own adult daughter. 

communication has been so difficult between us. I’m an empath and feel things very deeply. She is now cold and if I try and explain how some of the things she says or does make me feel - her response is cold and I’m basically told it’s my problem. 

she now has a 2 year old. Talking in front of her is like walking on eggshells because she takes everything literally. There is no humour or warmth from her. I’m struggling to cope because it’s like I’ve lost my daughter and I’m no longer allowed to be me around her because she tells me “I’m too loud and draining”  I see very little of my daughter and my granddaughter and trying to make plans in advance is nightmare but necessary as I work all bar 2 days a month. 

anyone got any advice to help me work through this because it’s absolutely killing me smiling face with tear

Parents

  • Welcome to the community,  as your daughter is adult, she can also join here.

    It's difficult situation you are in. You mentioned, she has a child. Maybe she is overloaded,  overstimulated by tge toddler, and that's why she tells you that you are loud and draining. I think I understand your daughter,  but I also understand you feeling probably not loved or not enough loved.

    In my case my feelings to my family members are weak,  although I'm a caring person. I don't tell my mom that she is loud and draining, but I just tell her, I have no power to talk right now and ask her to not talk now. Maybe you could talk to your daughter and tell her, that it feels unpleasant,  when she tells you, how she perceives you, but to just tell you that she can't talk now. I remember having some sort of seizures or panic attacks when my daughter was around 2. It was the child making too much noise and chaos around. I had no idea about autism then. I must have banged my head to calm down. Only when I finally started covering my ears, I feel a huge improvement in my wellbeing.  Additionally I have my routine - pacing my kitchen is a must everyday. At least 2 hours per day. So we set a time when she calls me and imnprepared to talk to her almost everyday at the same time. 

Reply

  • Welcome to the community,  as your daughter is adult, she can also join here.

    It's difficult situation you are in. You mentioned, she has a child. Maybe she is overloaded,  overstimulated by tge toddler, and that's why she tells you that you are loud and draining. I think I understand your daughter,  but I also understand you feeling probably not loved or not enough loved.

    In my case my feelings to my family members are weak,  although I'm a caring person. I don't tell my mom that she is loud and draining, but I just tell her, I have no power to talk right now and ask her to not talk now. Maybe you could talk to your daughter and tell her, that it feels unpleasant,  when she tells you, how she perceives you, but to just tell you that she can't talk now. I remember having some sort of seizures or panic attacks when my daughter was around 2. It was the child making too much noise and chaos around. I had no idea about autism then. I must have banged my head to calm down. Only when I finally started covering my ears, I feel a huge improvement in my wellbeing.  Additionally I have my routine - pacing my kitchen is a must everyday. At least 2 hours per day. So we set a time when she calls me and imnprepared to talk to her almost everyday at the same time. 

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