Advice for small talk?

DSM-XIV said:

I feel my eyes glaze over whenever people talk. I try to ask questions to keep both of us engaged, but treading the line between showing interest and interrogating is very hard

This was me for so many years. 

There is a bit of an art to appearing interested which involves a lot of masking, and as you point out, it does cost you in terms of energy.

The way I adapted to cope with this is perhaps a tiny bit mean - I don't offer up opinions on the subject they are raising but I use a form of mirrored critical thinking to get them to try to explain how they reached their opinion by stripping the subject back to its basics.

The reason this is effective is it makes them feel proud to display their beliefs and the supporting evidence but at the same time (in some cases) makes them also show where there are some very flimsy facts supporting it all.  Where the facts seem solid then I am educated by the experience and will honestly thank them for helping me understand it all better.

Where the opinion is built on a house of cards it can be entertaining to watch them slowly implode and lose confidence. Who needs Netflix...

DSM-XIV said:

I tried practising small talk with passengers on trains. The good thing is, they were happy to talk to me. The bad thing is, both had very controversial opinions (vaccines, child benefit caps being lifted, and so forth) and I just didn’t know how to excuse myself as the train was packed, so after these social interactions I’ve been left feeling fairly rubbish.

It is good practice to do this and learning just how problematic people can be is also an educational experience. There will be these sort of opinionated, ignorant, unpleasant etc people in most places you go so learning how to co-exist is a great life skill.

For me the most powerful tool to use here is the "I don't actually care what they think" hammer that lets me ignore their conversation after it has happened. It stems from a mix of critical thinking and mindfulness for me - the power tools of dealing with others.

I recall a situation I found myself in when I was working in Germany and was given an assistant who was a favourite of the boss and I was told to treat him as an equal (he was an entry level tech and I was a senior tech) - the work went fine and there were no issues until he started to talk about how could the company employ black people and proceeded to come out with the most aweful racist stuff.

It was far from a one off and I knew that just reporting him to the boss would be seen as sour grapes so I had to learn to co-exist without validating his hateful opinions but did find a way to record him saying enough serious stuff that when I gave it to my boss and their boss at the same time that the guy was frog marched out the door.

In essence, talk softly and carry a big stick.

DSM-XIV said:

I just cannot muster small talk

It takes a lot of confidence and practice to get even passable if you are like me and socially awkward.

My job used to have me in contact with literally hundreds of people every day so I chose to learn how to make small talk and refined it with practice. Taking note of what people say and using it to be curious (but not pushy) in future interactions is a great way to build a rapport as they will start to believe you really are interested in them. There can be obvious risks with romantic assumptions but by steering clear of the usual subjects in this field you can usually get away with being seen as just friendly.

I didn't say it would be easy, did I :)

So after all this waffle - go back to basics and revisit these often then practice and learn from your mistakes. Rest well to recharge and never give up if it means something to you.

DSM-XIV said:

I feel my eyes glaze over whenever people talk. I try to ask questions to keep both of us engaged, but treading the line between showing interest and interrogating is very hard

This was me for so many years. 

There is a bit of an art to appearing interested which involves a lot of masking, and as you point out, it does cost you in terms of energy.

The way I adapted to cope with this is perhaps a tiny bit mean - I don't offer up opinions on the subject they are raising but I use a form of mirrored critical thinking to get them to try to explain how they reached their opinion by stripping the subject back to its basics.

The reason this is effective is it makes them feel proud to display their beliefs and the supporting evidence but at the same time (in some cases) makes them also show where there are some very flimsy facts supporting it all.  Where the facts seem solid then I am educated by the experience and will honestly thank them for helping me understand it all better.

Where the opinion is built on a house of cards it can be entertaining to watch them slowly implode and lose confidence. Who needs Netflix...

DSM-XIV said:

I tried practising small talk with passengers on trains. The good thing is, they were happy to talk to me. The bad thing is, both had very controversial opinions (vaccines, child benefit caps being lifted, and so forth) and I just didn’t know how to excuse myself as the train was packed, so after these social interactions I’ve been left feeling fairly rubbish.

It is good practice to do this and learning just how problematic people can be is also an educational experience. There will be these sort of opinionated, ignorant, unpleasant etc people in most places you go so learning how to co-exist is a great life skill.

For me the most powerful tool to use here is the "I don't actually care what they think" hammer that lets me ignore their conversation after it has happened. It stems from a mix of critical thinking and mindfulness for me - the power tools of dealing with others.

I recall a situation I found myself in when I was working in Germany and was given an assistant who was a favourite of the boss and I was told to treat him as an equal (he was an entry level tech and I was a senior tech) - the work went fine and there were no issues until he started to talk about how could the company employ black people and proceeded to come out with the most aweful racist stuff.

It was far from a one off and I knew that just reporting him to the boss would be seen as sour grapes so I had to learn to co-exist without validating his hateful opinions but did find a way to record him saying enough serious stuff that when I gave it to my boss and their boss at the same time that the guy was frog marched out the door.

In essence, talk softly and carry a big stick.

DSM-XIV said:

I just cannot muster small talk

It takes a lot of confidence and practice to get even passable if you are like me and socially awkward.

My job used to have me in contact with literally hundreds of people every day so I chose to learn how to make small talk and refined it with practice. Taking note of what people say and using it to be curious (but not pushy) in future interactions is a great way to build a rapport as they will start to believe you really are interested in them. There can be obvious risks with romantic assumptions but by steering clear of the usual subjects in this field you can usually get away with being seen as just friendly.

I didn't say it would be easy, did I :)

So after all this waffle - go back to basics and revisit these often then practice and learn from your mistakes. Rest well to recharge and never give up if it means something to you.