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how to express concerns to someone who lacks theory of mind

Hotel california

Hi 

A relative has recently asked me for advice on ways of supporting a person with aspergers whilst on holiday.  They wanted to know what signs to look out for that indicates anxiety or stress, how to deal with it and how to minimise or avoid these .

My dilemma is that I am 99% sure that this relative has aspergers and is extremely mind blind, yet I cannot even hint this as they are not open to this and will verbally attack me for even suggesting it and possibly got further into denial if that's possible.

So how do you give advice to someone who is unable to identify someone else's thoughts or feelings.

I cannot tell them that they lack TOM, because it would be rejected.  So what do I do.

As an example this relative would get extremely annoyed by a child crying but struggled to attribute a cause, such as cold or hunger it tiredness.  The focus would be on themselves and their discomfort and not the child.  

Look forward to some suggestions.

  • A while ago somone asked me what behaviours to look out for when I'm getting stressed or anxious. I said watch out for me becomng very quiet, holding back from groups or social situations and having my head down - all indications that I'm trying to withdraw from the world.

  • That the relative is asking advice indicates that they privately recognise their lack of theory of mind but are not yet comfortable publicly acknowledging it.

    Consider just providing the information requested. Advise they look for hunched postures and rapid eye movements as indicators that they need to provide support.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    How about reflecting that person's questions or problems back to them as questions. So, when they get annoyed by a crying child ask him "what do you think is making the child cry?, how do you think the child is feeling? what do you think would make the child happy again?"

    Turning things into questions and getting this person to work things out for himself is likely to work better than simply telling him that if X happens then do Y. We aspies don't like being told what to do but we do like to discover how things work and this person mught be intrigued if you set them off on a "circumsribed interest" of working out how people work and how Aspies are different to NT folk.

    I don't think a theoretical approach, citing TOM or similar, is likely to get very far unless you can weave it, very carefully, into a conversation on how people think.

    What sort of relative are we talking about - I would try to do things differently depending on who they are to me.