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Feeling broken after years of masking – is this autism?

Jhannah91

TL;DR:

Struggling with lifelong masking, possible autism, burnout, intrusive thoughts, and SSRI side effects. Looking for advice on whether to see my GP and how others coped before/after diagnosis.

Hi everyone,

I’m posting because I’m really struggling and starting to wonder if I might be autistic. I function well on the outside and have always masked successfully at work and in public, but inside it feels like I’m constantly battling my own mind.

I feel broken or defective and fundamentally different to other people. I’ve spent my whole life pretending to be something I’m not just to fit in, and it’s left me exhausted. I struggle badly with day-to-day life — household tasks, focus, motivation, and getting things done all feel overwhelming. I often feel like I don’t know who I really am underneath the masking.

I’m currently taking sertraline 50mg for depression and anxiety, which helps somewhat, but I struggle with side effects such as poor temperature regulation and excessive sweating, which is particularly difficult as I work in a very physically demanding job.

I also experience frequent intrusive thoughts about not wanting to be here, especially when driving. I don’t want to act on them because of my wife and children, but the thoughts themselves are frightening and I don’t know how to make them stop.

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who:

  • Felt like this before diagnosis or realising they might be autistic
  • Found speaking to their GP or seeking assessment helpful
  • Has dealt with SSRI side effects alongside autistic traits
  • Has advice on where to start with understanding themselves and coping better

I’m not looking for a label for its own sake — I just want to understand myself and learn how to live without constantly fighting my own brain.

Thank you for reading.

Parents

  • Hello from America! First, I’ll respond to your bullet points:

    1. When I first realized I might be Autistic, my wife was totally not on board because she thought I function too well for that diagnosis. She had experience working with children with high support Autism, but at that time did not have a lot of experience with children or adults with low support Autism.
    2. I found getting assessed to be majorly helpful, but that’s just my case. I’ve heard lots of people on here say that they did not find it helpful. In my case, it helped me to understand myself better and it helped with proving to my wife that I have it.
    3. Recently? No, I have not dealt with side effects for a long time. The antidepressants and ADHD medication I’m on work pretty well together for me. The last I remember dealing with side effects was due to user error (forgetting to take my medication or taking too much).
    4. Using this site is a great first step to see how others struggle and find ways to get through. There’s also some self help books out there for Autism such as: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/self-care-for-autistic-people/, which I think is an excellent book that helped me out.

    Now also I want to let you know you’re not alone with the intrusive thoughts. I’ve dealt with suicidal ideation for a while now and I get that it’s difficult. If you haven’t already, it might be a good idea to pursue therapy. Even if you’re not diagnosed Autistic, you can probably still find therapists that specialize in Autism. But do note that just like getting a diagnosis isn’t for everyone, the same goes for therapy.

    I hope some of that helps!

Reply

  • Hello from America! First, I’ll respond to your bullet points:

    1. When I first realized I might be Autistic, my wife was totally not on board because she thought I function too well for that diagnosis. She had experience working with children with high support Autism, but at that time did not have a lot of experience with children or adults with low support Autism.
    2. I found getting assessed to be majorly helpful, but that’s just my case. I’ve heard lots of people on here say that they did not find it helpful. In my case, it helped me to understand myself better and it helped with proving to my wife that I have it.
    3. Recently? No, I have not dealt with side effects for a long time. The antidepressants and ADHD medication I’m on work pretty well together for me. The last I remember dealing with side effects was due to user error (forgetting to take my medication or taking too much).
    4. Using this site is a great first step to see how others struggle and find ways to get through. There’s also some self help books out there for Autism such as: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/self-care-for-autistic-people/, which I think is an excellent book that helped me out.

    Now also I want to let you know you’re not alone with the intrusive thoughts. I’ve dealt with suicidal ideation for a while now and I get that it’s difficult. If you haven’t already, it might be a good idea to pursue therapy. Even if you’re not diagnosed Autistic, you can probably still find therapists that specialize in Autism. But do note that just like getting a diagnosis isn’t for everyone, the same goes for therapy.

    I hope some of that helps!

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