Any idea on support

Cw90 said:

I do fell rte bullying and rejection I faced from ages 8-22 has stunned my social development

This can be a chicken and egg situation but I'm pretty certain the stunted social development would stem from the autism and be the cause of the bullying, hence compounding the social development etc.

Cw90 said:

I just wondering if there's any courses

Not that I'm aware of. I did write a post here to see if people were interested in me writing an article that would explain how to socialise, understand the cues and learn to interact with less friction but there was almost no response, so the community spoke through its silence.

There are plenty of sources of information online to study - probably start with body language and then read up on social norms and conversation cues, how to make small talk and how to express yourself.

It is a lot of work - I spent years working through stuff around this but it allowed me to interact with dozens to hundreds of people a day at work (I was a technical support manager) and be able to pass as "normal and likable".

Your best start is probably your therapist - build up a plan of attack and use time with them to role play to get to use some of the things you learn. Start going to group events (special interests are a good source of ideas for these) and get yourself out there for as long as you feel comfortable and practice in a low stakes situation.

The dating scene is a whole different monster - there are so many rule books and broken people out there that it is scary. I found it safer not to disclose my autism but be up front about my traits, so would use things like "I don't play games so if you want something then ask, if you want to know something then ask and I will give you an honest answer if I can. I will expect the same in return" and this actually gets results.

This especially applies to intimacy (if you mean sexual intimacy) - these days consent if first and foremost even if it can ofen kill the mood. Be clear that you expect your partner to ask for what they want to do and be ready to ask for your own wants/needs. It builds trust and if you want something less vanilla then it is best to be up front and ask if this is something they would consider, but most likely you won't get to tie them up and peg them until at least the fourth date...

If you don't like loud environments for example. say so. Don't say it is because of your autism but make it a personal choice and own it.

If you are fussy about what you eat, be clear what you can eat and ask them not to judge.

Take time and listen to what they have to say. Learn the art of having a conversation, use open ended questions abd be inquisitive. It can be great fun when you get into it.

These are just my thoughts on the subject as a man in his late 50s - I hope something in that word salad was useful.

Thank you for the quick reply 

Yes that was quite useful 

Yes I think the ASD did cause the bullying it was years and years and when it coupled with rejection from women aswell it did really cause me problems 

I know many people who has not got ASD has some sort of I think it called a rhythm like in intermate relationships they can do it without killing the mood. I know but consent but my worry is over asking and checking in every time and making sure I do it right as many people learn that skill growing up I didn't as I was often rejected as a teenager it was very harsh and down putting rejection but as a adult I say 21+ it was more of the kind rejection like I'm not your type of they said that I accept it. 

The bullying was I don't know why I was heavily bullied as being gay which I'm not I think it was because I didn't act like that so back than if it was odd or not with that thing it was labeled that way it didn't really help with the rejection from women at that time 

It's like I'm feeling I'm getting old and I fell that I have no skills and is behind of what a man my age should be if that makes sense 

Yes online dating is very hard sometimes you fell you doing okay only to arrange a date and no one shows up 

I think finding astronomy groups (space things) could be a start but that might help with the friendship side but not the other side as I do find that stuff interesting and that 

My other problem is I find is when watching films or top TV shows I struggle to understand it or get it like family behaviour watching a film about something and when we talk about it I be clueless or say something that I mis understood about it 

I know the social cues can be quite hard as I do try to copy it but when I do it people find it odd but they can do it well 

Cw90 said:

I know but consent but my worry is over asking and checking in every time and making sure I do it right

You can adopt an approach where you ask about general subjects (eg do you like to hold hands?) and if the answer is yes then work on the assumption that they like the contact. If you want to extend that to, say, stroking her cheek then look at her eyes when you are making that move - if you see fear or pulling back then stop, apologise and say what you were going to do - ask if she doesn't like it (some people don't like their face being for a range of reasons) - now remember it and use it as a conversation starter to find out what else she doesn't like - pepper it with some things you like / dislike about touch to make it a 2 way conversation and make mental notes so you don't make the same mistakes again.

Cw90 said:

My other problem is I find is when watching films or top TV shows I struggle to understand it or get it like family behaviour watching a film about something and when we talk about it I be clueless or say something that I mis understood about it 

Use this as a learning opportunity - if you didn't understand something then in the post viewing converstion say something like "I didn't understand why actor X rejected actory Z - I though they likes one another" (or whatever it was) and listen to the explanation.

Use other resources like https://www.verywellhealth.com/social-cues-5204407  or https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/social-cues-types-and-how-to-read-them to build your understanding - observe these in the TV you watch and in everyday life until you start to really understand it.

It is a long, slow process but can be quite interesting if you make it a bit of a game.

We may have been raised without really building these skills but we are quite capable of learning them as adults with plenty of effort, but you have to want to do it for it to stick.

Cw90 said:

won't copying it make it look odd as I need to find a way to bend it in if that makes sense it makes it look natural

Sorry, I'm not sure what the copying refers to here - can you clarify? 

Cw90 said:

won't copying it make it look odd as I need to find a way to bend it in if that makes sense it makes it look natural

Sorry, I'm not sure what the copying refers to here - can you clarify?