How do I cope

copingwithdivergence said:

I haven’t been diagnosed but I’ve been referred by my GP. I’m at a loss on how to survive.

It helps to realise that you were the same person before the referral - nothing has changed.

If you think you are autists then you can take some tests online (just search for "free online autism test") and the questions are quite close to what the assessment will ask, so the results will give you a good idea if you really are autistic.

You can also take some time to inform yourself about autism - I found a good book to pick up the basics without having to read a tome about it was:

Autism For Dummies (2025) - ISBN 9781394301003 (paberback); ISBN 9781394301027 (ebook)

With the tests you took and the following list of autistic traits (see https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/before-diagnosis/signs-that-a-child-or-adult-may-be-autistic ) you can start researching the things that impact your life.

Once you know a bit more you can use this commity to look for how other people deal with similar issues, join in, ask questions and interact at your own pace in anonymity - very low stress.

Then, if funds allow, I would recommend getting a psychotherapist (find one with a track record of helping autists) and they can help you navigate your issues, help you understand your experiences and help you process the traumas that all autists have.

If you want a roadmap - that is what I would recommend.

We are here for you when you want to talk.

Thank you so much! I’ll take the test. I’ve also taken several tests and I definitely have the traits. I’ve also read up all the links you posted previously. My GP also provided links to an autism hub I joined and it’s been helpful. For years I was treated for depression and was just going through the motions but now that I know my limits and some coping strategies I have lesser breakdowns… I’m enjoying life more especially now that I know that I’m very sensitive to sound and light… but unfortunately information isn’t magic and I’m still having difficulties. In fact, things seem worse but also better and those strategies don’t always work…

My downward spiral yesterday started as a result of a surprise visit from my sister and her family. This is supposed to be good right? Your loving sister surprised you and even brought you gifts, but it was the worst thing that could have happened to me. Everything just became like I was in the middle of a tornado with no way to calm down. It was too much. Too much emotions, too much activity, too much noise and I’m still trying to recover a day after…

Now I can control my environment and my actions but I very well can’t control surprises right? And there’ll always be surprises in life. I had to go to the bathroom for a few good minutes to cry and just be in the dark with my ear plugs. It was awful and I’m still trying to calm down… I’ve been in bed all day.

So please how do you cope with surprises?

copingwithdivergence said:

So please how do you cope with surprises?

I try to ask those who are likely surprisers to give me notice so I can prepare myself mentally, but in the end this doesn't always work and there are times when things happen that are completely ourside your control so surprises happen.

I try to use mindfulness when this happens - try to grab a minute to conciously make my shoulders relax and think quickly through what I should do in this situation then just get back on with doing it.

Not giving myself too much free time for rumination is a good thing for me here - it keeps me very much in the present, dealing with the guests and being a good host while saving the stress to deal with later.

Lots of things will always be outside of our control so I try to be philisophical about them. If you cannot influence these then worrying about them is about as effective as shouting at the sun for being too bright - it makes no difference other than you end up hoarse and a bit blind.

Post visit I use meditation to let me body wind down, think if I have been drinking / eating OK and if there are any urgent tasks I need to take care of that happened as a result. Often making a note of what was talked about helps empty my mind of a lot of the chaos. Then I can relax.

Sometimes a bit of housework keeps my hands busy while my brain can process what happened - things I may need to respond to, was I asked to attend anothe event (record this on the notepad), is something important coming up for someone close that they mentioned (book a reminder in my calendar to do something about it) and so on - it helps restore my oasis to my standards and clears the mind.

In the end I personally try to see this as it is keeping me sharp with my social skills in a way - reminding me how to think in an emergency, how to look after guests, how to adapt to shifting situations and more than anything else, it reminds me how much I enjoy my own time so I can savour it rather than take it for granted.

Apologies, I misread that.

Your therapist can help you set boundaries with families and so long as your therapist knows their stuff about autism then stick with them and tell your sister to keep her nose out of your business would be my approach.

You could always torment her and tell her neurodivergence is highly hereditary and she is probably also on the spectrum - if you can point out a few autistic traits then it may make her back off or even look into it.

Stigmas over mental health are all over the place - my mother and brothers are completely uninterested in the subject even though their kids / grandkids are neurodivergent. Being willfully ignorant used to get to me but now I follow my fathers advice that "you can't fix stupid".

Oh no, you misunderstand. My sister told me to change my therapist… she felt the therapist wasn’t a good one for bringing up the issue of autism… my sis told me to do that a couple of times so I stopped bringing up the autism issue…

My therapist was amazing. I have more clarity and I’m on the right track because of her work with me.

And thank you for the link. Also I got autism for dummies and I’ve read a few pages. Thank you!

copingwithdivergence said:

The first two times I told her my therapist suggested that I may be autistic she asked me to change my therapist

It is actually a good thing that your therapist recognises her limitations and is suggesting you find someone with the training and experience to help you because she clearly believes she cannot. Take her advice I would say.

You can research suitable therapists using this directory:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling

use the filters to add autism and any other issues you want to cover - narrow the list down and see if they offer trial sessions so you can assess if they feel a good fit for you.

copingwithdivergence said:

I feel like I’m just blabbing

I prefer to call it processing out loud. Don't stop.

Thank you! First of all I’m a 34 year old African woman so my family does not understand autism or its traits and they think it’s a fad (my brother in another country is incidentally also neurodivergent and we both brought the topic up around the same time unknowingly and it caused a lot of tension in the family). So no, telling my older sibling not the surprise me will lead to tension and accusations of disrespect and unnecessary headache for me. 

My brother doesn’t even answer anyone and distanced himself from the family and honestly I envy him but I can’t do that cos it’ll break their heart so I just bear the toxicity. There’s love there but it’s kind of transactional and shallow cloaked with the garment of respect your elders. I’ve set some boundaries though and I’m doing well generally but once in a while stuff like this happens… it’s all smiles but it’s truly not genuine because she doesn’t know me. The first two times I told her my therapist suggested that I may be autistic she asked me to change my therapist. So it’s actually more than the visit, just the whole concept of my sister destabilizes me.

As for the way I relax… usually a dark room, earplugs with piano music, coloring, reading, organizing helps a lot but there are sometimes nothing helps and my brain is just vibrating but I’m more in control now aba just let it pass… but after a few days I get back to normal. My breakdowns (which I think now are burnouts) have greatly reduced BUT I have to have frequent rest, as in one or two days so I just feel like the breakdowns are just spread into livable chunks…

I feel like I’m just blabbing

Thank you! First of all I’m a 34 year old African woman so my family does not understand autism or its traits and they think it’s a fad (my brother in another country is incidentally also neurodivergent and we both brought the topic up around the same time unknowingly and it caused a lot of tension in the family). So no, telling my older sibling not the surprise me will lead to tension and accusations of disrespect and unnecessary headache for me. 

My brother doesn’t even answer anyone and distanced himself from the family and honestly I envy him but I can’t do that cos it’ll break their heart so I just bear the toxicity. There’s love there but it’s kind of transactional and shallow cloaked with the garment of respect your elders. I’ve set some boundaries though and I’m doing well generally but once in a while stuff like this happens… it’s all smiles but it’s truly not genuine because she doesn’t know me. The first two times I told her my therapist suggested that I may be autistic she asked me to change my therapist. So it’s actually more than the visit, just the whole concept of my sister destabilizes me.

As for the way I relax… usually a dark room, earplugs with piano music, coloring, reading, organizing helps a lot but there are sometimes nothing helps and my brain is just vibrating but I’m more in control now aba just let it pass… but after a few days I get back to normal. My breakdowns (which I think now are burnouts) have greatly reduced BUT I have to have frequent rest, as in one or two days so I just feel like the breakdowns are just spread into livable chunks…

I feel like I’m just blabbing

Apologies, I misread that.

Your therapist can help you set boundaries with families and so long as your therapist knows their stuff about autism then stick with them and tell your sister to keep her nose out of your business would be my approach.

You could always torment her and tell her neurodivergence is highly hereditary and she is probably also on the spectrum - if you can point out a few autistic traits then it may make her back off or even look into it.

Stigmas over mental health are all over the place - my mother and brothers are completely uninterested in the subject even though their kids / grandkids are neurodivergent. Being willfully ignorant used to get to me but now I follow my fathers advice that "you can't fix stupid".

Oh no, you misunderstand. My sister told me to change my therapist… she felt the therapist wasn’t a good one for bringing up the issue of autism… my sis told me to do that a couple of times so I stopped bringing up the autism issue…

My therapist was amazing. I have more clarity and I’m on the right track because of her work with me.

And thank you for the link. Also I got autism for dummies and I’ve read a few pages. Thank you!

copingwithdivergence said:

The first two times I told her my therapist suggested that I may be autistic she asked me to change my therapist

It is actually a good thing that your therapist recognises her limitations and is suggesting you find someone with the training and experience to help you because she clearly believes she cannot. Take her advice I would say.

You can research suitable therapists using this directory:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling

use the filters to add autism and any other issues you want to cover - narrow the list down and see if they offer trial sessions so you can assess if they feel a good fit for you.

copingwithdivergence said:

I feel like I’m just blabbing

I prefer to call it processing out loud. Don't stop.