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Disclosure of ASD in particular when dating

TheBlackSheep

I’m curious, 32 and diagnosed at 31. Have had many long term romantic relationships but always fell short.. obviously now I know why. Friendships I find are a lot easier because I’m very good at masking for shorter periods of time. I’m new to all this confusion but now feel that in most situations I must tell someone I have ASD. I don’t quite know why, if it’s because I don’t want to come across as weird or make the other person feel uncomfortable. If I tell I feel like I can ease off on the masking that just drains me and ultimately it’s not who I am. So to my question, is this common? Do others feel the same? And now thinking of dating again (have been on a few) I say but, should I? When’s right when’s wrong when I can mask very well is it fair on the other person?

This is my first ever post and I look forward to reading people’s responses and experiences. I am also very proud to be here and grateful there’s a community for us. 

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  • I have been I have been masking most of my life when socialising and when dating. I was diagnosed in my 60s, nearly a year ago. Masking is sometimes subconscious and sometimes conscious. I have found it freeing to recognise the needless tension I can create when making agonised choices between masking and unmasking, some of which turned out to be the wrong choices. I don’t date anymore, but I mask in social situations if I think it will help me to fit in. 

    I think there can be too much pressure put on people to unmask and/or mask, and it can make people feel unworthy when they can’t achieve a fully masked/unmasked state. I’m also not convinced that anybody, autistic or non-autistic, can be fully authentic in all aspects of life, masked or unmasked, but that is delving into a deeper question that has occupied much of my mind for decades, probably because so much has been written about authenticity and purity of intention from psychological/religious/spiritual/sociological perspectives, and these are things I grapple with.

    Non-autistic people can use a form of masking in social contexts too. Many autistic and non-autistic people do things in private that they wouldn’t dream of doing when socialising in public or on a date. Society has imposed expectations on people to behave a certain way and masking is part of a human condition that is full of contradictions and tensions. 

     

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  • I have been I have been masking most of my life when socialising and when dating. I was diagnosed in my 60s, nearly a year ago. Masking is sometimes subconscious and sometimes conscious. I have found it freeing to recognise the needless tension I can create when making agonised choices between masking and unmasking, some of which turned out to be the wrong choices. I don’t date anymore, but I mask in social situations if I think it will help me to fit in. 

    I think there can be too much pressure put on people to unmask and/or mask, and it can make people feel unworthy when they can’t achieve a fully masked/unmasked state. I’m also not convinced that anybody, autistic or non-autistic, can be fully authentic in all aspects of life, masked or unmasked, but that is delving into a deeper question that has occupied much of my mind for decades, probably because so much has been written about authenticity and purity of intention from psychological/religious/spiritual/sociological perspectives, and these are things I grapple with.

    Non-autistic people can use a form of masking in social contexts too. Many autistic and non-autistic people do things in private that they wouldn’t dream of doing when socialising in public or on a date. Society has imposed expectations on people to behave a certain way and masking is part of a human condition that is full of contradictions and tensions. 

     

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