TLDL: I am worried that I fundamentally cannot over come my struggling with appropriate social communication in some setting, including team sports. This includes reacting negatively and taking it very personally when people speak to me in a way I don’t think is appropriate. It has now made me so frequently upset that I am considering stopping the sport I have loved playing for 2 decades, but will the also loose my only hobby/ social interaction outside of work.
Full story
I am 29 and have only been diagnosed as having AuDHD in the last couple of years. As I have become aware of it I have been increasingly unmasking. I feel more like myself but also worry this is having negative impacts on my life. This is one example.
I have played hockey for nearly 20 years. Some of those years were at quite a high level as a goalkeeper. I enjoyed this but being in goal was always a very isolating position so at the start of the 24/25 season I moved to become a forward.
I started in the lowest team and generally had a really good time. I even won top goal scorer of the club.
this season I moved up a team. The game is more challenging, which is good, and the sport is taken a bit more seriously.
One problem is we have a lot of junior players in the senior teams to help develop them. I don’t like children as I always struggle to know how to talk to them. From being a keeper I am used to being very vocal on the pitch. I communicate objectively- the problem in sport is there isn’t time to have a full conversation to ensure clarity and I think sometimes people can misunderstand urgency and directness for rudeness e.g “watch your left shoulder”, “go to”, “don’t dive” etc
This season I have enjoyed hockey much less. The kids are really rude and I don’t know what I’m meant to say. One girl is always very rude and critical to all the other players- I find her incredibly disrespectful, especially for a 13 year old. I don’t mean she is rude in the sense she is being direct and urgent, I mean she is always complaining at other people not doing things right. I and others have raised it to the captain and while it has improved it has not gone.
Last Saturday we were playing and I got into the D (the scoring area). The 13 YO who has caused problems before was about a meter away from me screaming “IN IN IN IN!!” over and over. I was surrounded by the opposition so stressed, her screaming was really overwhelming, and I couldn’t hear anyone who might have been in a good position to pass to over it. I was not in any position to score and I didn’t know what she meant by “IN”. Was she saying there was a pass in I couldn’t see? Was she saying to get it in the goal (which seemed silly as that is obviously the objective of the game, and I was not in a position to score). I then got fouled and the whistle blew- I asked her “What does in mean?” I noticed all the opposition look up at me when I said that and I know I was stressed, so my tone probably came off as stressed and intense. She just stared at me so I said “Where is in?”. She rolled her eyes, he’s tired to the goal and said “there! In the goal”. I made a mental note to speak to her after the match because I acknowledge that I might have come across too intense and I wanted to explain why her shouting that was stressful and unhelpful.
About 5/10 mins later I was in a position I felt was appropriate from what my coach had previously coached me to do, and based on where my team mates were. The ball was passed to another child player (I think 15?) and I said something to indicate I was at a 90 degree pass if she needed. To my complete shock she like growled(?) at me and said “get in the f****** D!” Several times at me. I was shocked to be sworn at, and this is not appropriate in our team. This is also a player who has completely ignored me any time I have ever tried to talk to her, so it was even more upsetting that the first time she has ever tried to communicate with me was to swear at me.
I was so shocked I said “are you talking to me??” And she shouted she was. I said something to the effect “who do you think you’re talking to?” The other 13 YO then shouted at me “it’s not your problem”. I was so angry and upset I subbed myself off for the rest of the game.
The captain spoke to them both after the game and the she spoke to me. Apparently some of the opposition though the was I spoke to the 13 YO initially was out of order.
This is the 3rd game this season I’ve sobbed for ages after. The first time was because of the 13 YO, the second time was because of another adult (one of my friends) shouting at me to change my tone on the pitch.
I had to and sit on my own for a bit after the match. I didn’t want to join for post game teas but had to. I couldn’t mask that I was upset but was also close to being non-verbal at that point so it was quite awkward for people asking me if I was ok.
I now feel constantly self-conscious about both my ability to play hockey and my communication. I came out of playing at high levels to enjoy playing for fun rather than competition. I have told my coach and club that I’m autistic before and put in the form that my communication can be direct but recently found out that the coaches and captains never actually read this.
Im not ok with being spoken to the have the younger players have spoke to me and others this season and I don’t want to do that every week.
I feel pathetic for being made to feel to upset about kids, and embarrassed. I don’t want to be defensive and not acknowledge if part of the problem is the way I’m talking to people, but I feel so frustrated- communicating is part of the game and I know my communication is clear and direct, but also understand it could be too much for people. If I can’t bring all of me to a game then I feel like there’s no point in playing because I will always being hiding part of myself and that’s not why I’m there. Hockey has previously been a safe space and now it doesn’t feel that way. I don’t want to feel pushed out of my team (who generally really like me) by kids, and I will feel really upset if I can’t play, but I don’t want to play with those guys again.
I worry that the only reason I enjoyed playing for so long was BECAUSE I was an isolated goalkeeper and my on field interaction was limited.
my options are to ask to drop down a team, which feels childish and attention seeking, to stop playing altogether (I could focus on umpiring instead), change clubs and loose the community I’ve built currently, or just suck it up and potentially keep upsetting people and being upset.
I would appreciate any thoughts and advice.
