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Please don't let me be misunderstood

Gordon-not-Ramsay

You might know the heading as a song by The Animals. I'm not a mega fan of the song, but the lyrics do resonate with me.

I have split from my wife and am living in a HMO. These places are usually reserved for those rehabilitating from drugs or alcohol, or have come out of prison and need a fresh start. I dont fit these criteria. Im just a guy rendered homeless because of my actions, which I believe have links to autism. 

I'm not diagnosed as of yet: I'm on the waiting list. Ive sent in my Right To Choose form, so there is little for me to do but wait.

I see my ex every day. I havent moved very far. We have two boys too, so i get to see them regularly. However, yesterday my ex had a go at me for: (a) using the dishwasher, and (b) leaving a window open when its freezing outside. She thinks i do this on purpose, and that my apologies are not sincere. She told me not to come around anymore.

Its breaking my heart! The dishwasher, she claimed, had dishes in that got washed twice! Firstly, what does it matter? Secondly, I unloaded the clean stuff and place in dirty stuff, then set it off. As for the window, it was a mistake. People make them, you know?

So now, I'm wondering what I should do next. I'm not intending to do anything bad. I know she has major problems of her own to deal with. I try to lighten the load, but ir makes no difference because she finds something that I messed up on.

I am living on the edge of my nerves and I cannot stand it anymore! The people I care about seem to be turning their backs on me!

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for the reply. It isn't easy, I know, but it does make sense to give her some space.

    We've had disagreements like this before and she has texted me back saying "come up if you want to".

    I know she is lashing out: that much is clear. And it hurts, but you're right. It may hurt but it is something I have to do. SunglassesThumbsup

  • I'm sorry to hear you find yourself in this situation - I hope things start to improve for you soon.

    Gordon-not-Ramsay said:
    So now, I'm wondering what I should do next. I'm not intending to do anything bad. I know she has major problems of her own to deal with. I try to lighten the load, but ir makes no difference because she finds something that I messed up on.

    If I were in your shoes I would give her space. The breakup will have been emotionally traumatic for her too and she is probably lashing out over minor things because of this.

    When you next see here I would say I don't want to cause he any more distress. How can we work out how to see the boys without causing her hassles. Find a balance that gives her space so take the boys out (for a walk perhaps) and don't go places where they will get dirty (because she will have to wash the clothes, clean the shoes etc) but if there are issues with them getting messy then try to clean them up when you get back in.

    Every thing you do to increase her workload is another black mark against your name so think things through carefully. 

    This is likely to leave you out in the cold more often than you want but you have to think of her as much as yourself.

    After a few weeks of this sort of considerate behaviour then it should start to show results and her attitude may change but it will probably never go back to close to what it was before

    Since you will have more time on your hands, work on improving yourself. Update your skills: read up on parenting skills to be a better father, learn things to improve your employability, consider volunteering at a local soup kitchen for example if you have time, mend bridges with those you may have had disagreements with in the past etc - use your time well.

    Gordon-not-Ramsay said:
    The people I care about seem to be turning their backs on me!

    This is quite common in relationship splits - sides will be taken. It helps to think if you have been acting badly as well - is there a reason they are turning away for example? If it is your behaviour then change it. Learn from your mistakes - apologise where needed and start to become the better person.

    That is what I would do in your situation - it isn't easy and won't be nice most of the time but it is the most effective way out that I know of.

    Good luck.