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Mind-Blindness, Cassandra Syndrome, and Neurodiverse Relationships

KopiKestrel

Hi everyone,

(I also posted this on reddit. I'm trying to find an autistic community that I can feel safe having these conversations)

I'm hoping to get your thoughts on the ideas of mind-blindness and Cassandra Syndrome. How have you successfully navigated these challenges in a relationship? 

I'm struggling to find constructive ways forward with my partner because of conflicting information we're finding online. My partner is finding resources and articles that directly contradict both my lived experience as an autistic person and the guidance I'm receiving from my therapist.

I'm hoping to hear your advice on how you've successfully navigated these challenges and pushed back against harmful stereotypes. The core conflicts we keep running into boil down to two specific ideas:

  • The assumption that autistic individuals have fundamentally different emotional and relational needs compared to non-autistic people (e.g. less emotional needs).
  • The idea that Cassandra Syndrome is an experience exclusively limited to the non-autistic partner.

I want to be perfectly clear: The pain caused by communication differences in a neurodiverse relationship affect both partners. The problem is that these false assumptions perpetuate harmful stereotypes that only increase the pain.

For context, here are some of the types of online sources that I believe are disseminating misleading information:

Parents

  • As autism is a spectrum condition, all autistic people are individual and all have individual traits and experiences, it follows that you are the sole expert on your own autism. Autistic people can have difficulty with cognitive empathy, but cognitive empathy is not the only type of empathy. I did a wide-ranging empathy test, I scored below the neurotypical average for cognitive empathy but well above the neurotypical average for overall empathy. I think that your partner has become obsessed with theories about the autistic mind and this is creating unnecessary problems.

    I have been married to an allistic woman for 29 years. I think that I have successfully weaned her off the expectation that I will get hints about anything and that direct unambiguity is what works for me. I have also got into the habit of asking about her feelings, reasonably regularly, just to check that I am not missing something.

  • in reply to Martin
    Martin said:
    I have been married to an allistic woman for 29 years.

    Thanks for sharing this about yourself. It gives me some hope. Slight smile

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  • in reply to KopiKestrel

    I mostly agree with Iain on this issue, a relationship is two people relating, talking, living and loving together and I don't think it can or should be sone via the medium of the internet. Get some help from a therapist if you feel you need outside help, you need to focus on the two of you, no two ND or NT people will be the same, we all come with our own baggage, our expectations, the things we consider normal. Hopefully a therapist will help you to decipher what you're actually saying to each other as opposed to the words used to convey meaning. 

    Not all ND see the world in Black and white, whilst some NT's do, which seems a reversal if you read books about ND people.

    I just think people should approach relationships as people, not as pigeon holed catagories as this sounds like an expanded version of internet dating site tick boxes.