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New Relationship with someone who is Autistic

LonelyGBF_324

I have been in a new relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year now.  We are gay men, to get that out of the way.  We also live a long distance (I'm in the United States and he is in Brazil) from each other. Long distance relationships are hard enough, but learning about his autism and then literally taking a crash course by reading everything I could get my hands on about autism has been an eye opener.  He tells me I am the first person to ever take the time to actually learn about his uniqueness and try to adjust to it and allow him to be himself so he doesn't get overloaded trying to mask.  In fact he promised he would not mask with me after I discovered he had been when we first met.

By no means am I suggesting this has been easy for me, but I don't believe he needs to be "fixed" or forced to live as a "Normy" as he likes to refer to me and my neurotypical life. I love him for who he is, and he loves me too, with all our flaws.

My struggle lately has been two-fold.  He tells me that as much as he loves me, he struggles with the idea of monogamy, and that he wants to be allowed to just "have sex" with others to get these 'urges' out of his system.  He claims that this is something connected to his autism.  I have struggled with this as I have been fully committed to him, and even though we are thousands of miles apart, have not considered any extra activity outside of our relationship.  Side note for context, I have flown to Brazil 4 times for a week each in the last 8 months to be with him, the US will not extend a visa for him to come here due to our country's crazy policies currently.  We have what I believe is a very loving, caring and fulfilling sex life and he says this is not a reflection on that. I have a hard time accepting this has anything to do with his autism and more to do with his not wanting to conform with what he calls a societal norm which he doesn't feel obligated to adhere to. Admittedly, he does push back on a lot of what could be perceived as neurotypical norms, many I haven't felt were out of line.

The second part of this, is over the year, he does struggle with expressing his emotions or feelings although they have improved as we are together more. He was very upfront when we first met that he worried this may be a problem, but I haven't seen it as such, I have learned to identify his unique ways of expressing love and accept them for what they are coming from him. The problem is more with what feels like his complete and utter lack of empathy. I haven't seen this as an issue up until now. He has been sometimes less than open to suggestions or ideas, and often will often completely close the door to any attempt to dissuade him, but in this instance his ask is causing a great deal of pain. When I try to explain to him how I view our intimacy as precious and that the idea of sharing that with a total stranger is hurting me, he shuts down, and says I'm being unreasonable, that it's just sex, nothing more. I've tried multiple ways to try and get him to see it from my perspective, and he refuses, he goes so far as to say he is incapable of putting himself in someone else's shoes. I'm very afraid this is going to destroy our relationship.  He even matter of factly tries to tell me that it won't, but I'm very scared it will.  What can I do to get him to see what this is doing to me, and would it even make a difference?

Parents

  • Hello there, I'm a Brit living in Brazil and have had many years to get used to their culture so may be able to shed a little light here.

    LonelyGBF_324 said:
    He tells me that as much as he loves me, he struggles with the idea of monogamy

    This is an inherent trait in almost every Brazilian guy I have met, whether straight or gay, single or married, autistic or neurotypical. There are naturally exceptions but on the whole it is accepted that this is how it is in their culture.

    I'm from the British culture and am very much a monogomist but I can see that the guys here life a very different lifestyle to mine, often to the despair of their partners.

    Change for most autists is very hard, especially if it is in the cultural norms that they struggled to learn growing up. You may need to accept that this is not something he can rationalise his way out of without help, and it is often such a part of their identity that they don't want to.

    He has been up front with it at least so you know where you stand.

    I suspect you will need to decide if what he is offering is enough for you and decide whether it is worthwhile continuing if monogomy is a dealbreaker for you.

    LonelyGBF_324 said:
    The problem is more with what feels like his complete and utter lack of empathy.

    This is a common issue too - an autistic one but it probably isn't what you think it is. Have a read about the common autistic trait of double empathy to understand how it works:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/double-empathy

    There is a lot of stereotypical negativity around therapy here in Brazil so trying to get him to get professional help is likely to be tough. I doubt he can work through it enough on his own so it may just end up being a relationship where he won't change and you won't change so you go your separate ways.

    There is a saying in therapy that the person with the power in the relationship is the one who cares the least - I suspect that this is what is happening here. You care and are making all the efforts despite your non-negotiable elements and he is not really trying that hard. If he was serious then he would be looking at ways to keep you by doing therapy etc, but it seems he has a comfortable lifestyle and he isn't motivated enough to make the effort.

    Maybe the autism is a factor, maybe not but at the end of the day you know where you stand so the decision seems clear to me.

    Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear but I suspect it is what you need to hear.

Reply

  • Hello there, I'm a Brit living in Brazil and have had many years to get used to their culture so may be able to shed a little light here.

    LonelyGBF_324 said:
    He tells me that as much as he loves me, he struggles with the idea of monogamy

    This is an inherent trait in almost every Brazilian guy I have met, whether straight or gay, single or married, autistic or neurotypical. There are naturally exceptions but on the whole it is accepted that this is how it is in their culture.

    I'm from the British culture and am very much a monogomist but I can see that the guys here life a very different lifestyle to mine, often to the despair of their partners.

    Change for most autists is very hard, especially if it is in the cultural norms that they struggled to learn growing up. You may need to accept that this is not something he can rationalise his way out of without help, and it is often such a part of their identity that they don't want to.

    He has been up front with it at least so you know where you stand.

    I suspect you will need to decide if what he is offering is enough for you and decide whether it is worthwhile continuing if monogomy is a dealbreaker for you.

    LonelyGBF_324 said:
    The problem is more with what feels like his complete and utter lack of empathy.

    This is a common issue too - an autistic one but it probably isn't what you think it is. Have a read about the common autistic trait of double empathy to understand how it works:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/double-empathy

    There is a lot of stereotypical negativity around therapy here in Brazil so trying to get him to get professional help is likely to be tough. I doubt he can work through it enough on his own so it may just end up being a relationship where he won't change and you won't change so you go your separate ways.

    There is a saying in therapy that the person with the power in the relationship is the one who cares the least - I suspect that this is what is happening here. You care and are making all the efforts despite your non-negotiable elements and he is not really trying that hard. If he was serious then he would be looking at ways to keep you by doing therapy etc, but it seems he has a comfortable lifestyle and he isn't motivated enough to make the effort.

    Maybe the autism is a factor, maybe not but at the end of the day you know where you stand so the decision seems clear to me.

    Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear but I suspect it is what you need to hear.

Children