Hello,
Sorry for putting this on here, I didn't know where to go for advice. I've never used a forum before and this feel very strange. I can't go to the people in my life that I'm close with because they are all neurotypical (with the exception of my 11 year old son) and don't understand what it's like. In order for you to help, or offer advise if you can, I need to explain a bit of my back story first.
Anyway, I have a physical condition where I suffer with migraines that come on out of nowhere, but in the initial instance, there is no pain. I just phase out slightly, start to wobble and then I pass out. When I come round, that's when the pain hits me, on a huge scale! I have a prescribed nasal spray from the hospital which I take and it works within under a minute, then I'm all fine again, as if nothing has happened. The whole thing lasts no more than 2-3 minutes. I have a friend who suffers with migraines and they can go on for days without any let up, and she is physically sick with them! So as much as it is annoying passing out, I'd rather have it like that because at least it's all over with.
Anyway, I've started doing a martial arts class known as Tang Soo Do. It's amazing and I love it and everyone is really lovely there. My problem is the passing out. My instructor has been amazing and so understanding. He's started giving me extra water breaks and when there is a lot of spinning, he gets me to sit out. They are moves that I don't need to know at my level yet and my instructor has said that he wants to figure out what he can do to help me and minimise the passing out. The migraines can be brought on by certain factors such as not eating enough (which isn't an issue) and being too hot or too cold (which can be an issue, hence the extra water breaks). However, they do sometimes come on when these factors aren't an issue!
On another level, I don't like a lot of noise, but it can be quite subjective. I can cope with some noises, but not others. If I'm at the theatre, and everyone claps at the end, I get caught up in the moment and join in and it doesn't bother me. But when I'm in class, at the end, we bow to the flag, bow to our instructor, and then he gets everyone to do 6 claps, in the form of 1, 2, then 3 claps, and I just can't cope with it. It's the same when he gives out certificates for student of the month, I end up covering my ears.
Also, when we do punches or kicks, we have to follow it with something called a ki hap. It's basically just a noise you make that shows you're breathing properly. I used to struggle making the noise myself, but that was more of a confidence thing than anything else, I can actually do it now. It's just when everyone else is doing it all at the same time, it can be very loud, and not a noise that is easy for me to cope with. For that reason, when I start the class, I try and zone out of all noises other than my instructor talking. This enables me to listen to what he is saying and follow his instructions, but not have the noise of the ki haps bother me. The clapping still does, but I think that is because it's always at the end of the class and I have naturally stopped zoning out by then.
This works great for me with regard to the noise and my concentration level. With just the claps at the end, they only last for a few seconds, so covering my ears is sufficient enough to help me. The ki haps happen pretty much all through class, and it's an hour and a half! Having to struggle through all of that, I just couldn't. My natural response to situations I cannot deal with is to, initially, curl up with my Rubik's cube, which I do repeatedly for a few minutes, just to get me to a point where I can take myself away to somewhere that I feel safe. Usually that's a tree or something that I can climb. If that isn't an option, I tend to go under or behind something, just to hide really. I'm fully aware that I cannot do any of that in class, hence, zoning out. Herein lies the problem. Zoning out brings on a migraine! I'm finding that I'm passing out in 50-70% of classes. The ones where I don't is because not many people have turned up, hence it's not as loud and I don't need to zone out.
Last month, I had my first testing for my first coloured belt, luckily I passed, but it wasn't without it's struggles! My instructor (who was also one of the judges), had arranged for one of the senior grades, who wasn't testing, to stand by me throughout the whole thing. I was purposely positioned at the edge of the room to make this possible. I made it through, but passed out right at the last hurdle, annoyingly! I had one more thing to do afterwards, which was breaking of the board with a front kick, which I was able to participate in, thankfully. I was testing as a white belt, with the hopes of gaining my orange belt, which I now have. The orange belts tested at the same time for their next belt, they just had a few extra things to do.
At the end, the judges give out a 'Most Improved' certificate for each grade. If you go into the testing as orange belt or above, then that means you've already tested before and the judges have something to go on. Also, the instructors can sometimes make up the judging panel (as is the case with my instructor). I must stress that there is never any bias at all. Anyway, in order to get the 'Most Improved' certificate if you go into testing as a white belt, you have to show every effort during the testing, but they also base it on your instructor and what he has to say. My instructor explained to them about my issue with the ki haps and how I now manage to do them myself. How just being in the room with everybody there is a major feet in itself because of how nervous I get around other people. According to the senior grade that had been assigned to me, I performed my testing pretty much faultless. Anyway, I go the certificate. I was so shocked when they read out my name, I just froze. The senior grade guy had to whisper to me "you need to go and get it, bow to the judges and shake their hands." He then walked me down so far and stood to the side as I went before the panel. I was over the moon. Everybody clapped but I felt like I couldn't cover my ears and I ended up bringing my shoulders up and walking back to my spot. The senior grade then handed me my Rubik's cube and I was allowed to sit down with it.
Several weeks later, which was last week, was the last time I passed out in class. The senior grade from my testing saw me start to phase out and got me to sit down. I was being stubborn which I don't really remember, but I didn't get a choice. He said afterwards that he knew I was going to go because I didn't react to the claps at the end, I was just staring blankly, then the next minute, I was out of it!
That's the back story - sorry it was so long!!!
So, now for the bit that I need advice with.
The same senior grade let slip to me the other day some things. One of them wasn't at all bad, just him, our instructor and some other seniors talking about how they can make things better for me to minimise me passing out and the struggles I have because of my autism. Anyway, this is now the reason why my instructor is giving me extra water breaks and telling me to sit out if he thinks it's necessary.
The upsetting part to that conversation was that they all agreed that I would probably never get passed green belt, which is roughly halfway to black. He said it wasn't because they didn't think I was capable, but because of how much I struggle, especially around testing time. My migraines get worse, I get agitated (especially around people I don't know), it's a massive struggle. My instructor, unaware that I know about this conversation, has said to me privately that he will do whatever he can to keep me training (in my head he was silently saying; "even if you stay at the same grade for the rest of your life!") The senior grade said to me, "prove us wrong!"
I want to do that, I want to prove them wrong, but I'm scared. To get through things, I need to zone out. If I do that, I pass out. If I don't zone out, I struggle. I have learnt over the years how to mask how I'm feeling. I can do that. I can not zone out through all the ki haps and other noises. I can not get agitated around guest instructors that periodically come in. I can not get nervous when testing approaches. Or at least, that's what it will look like for everyone else. In reality, the minute I get out of there, I know what will happen. I will go into autistic meltdown, which I'll have to hide from everyone around me, which will only make it harder to snap out of. As hard as all of that is for me, I'm prepared to do it, if that's what it takes to get though things without issue. My problem, nobody there understands what it's lie to have ASD. All they will see, is one minute these things are a struggle for me, then I can miraculously cope! I know I can't, and if they were to see me afterwards, they would know that to. But I can't let them see it, but at the same time, I can't let them not see it, if that makes sense.
How do I get through things, without passing out, without it looking like to everyone else that my ASD has been 'cured'? Everyone knows it can't be, so then what? Will they say I was just lying all along?
I've been thinking about this for days now. I keep getting upset and I just don't know how to deal with it. Please help.
