Here's the scenario:-
For 6 years, I was happily volunteering at a local drama club helping with the kid's classes but they sadly had to shut down operations due to lack of government funds. This year, they won a special award which included a bit of funding, not enough for classes but enough to do some one off workshops. So, they reached out to me asking if I fancied coming along and helping out with a special workshop they were putting on this week, and I happily agreed as it would be the same people I worked with for years which put me at ease. I was warned it would be almost a full day 9:30am til 4:00pm but I thought I could handle that even though I'd never worked as full shift before, payed or voluntary.
You see, for most of my adult life so far any position I've had, I've worked no more than 4 hours a day. Then only time I ever had like overtime was when I worked 6 months at a daycare centre and I found it a little overwhelming during overtime especially considering I was working with kids with varying disabilities and the reason I would asked to stay behind after my normal 4 hours would be because the parents were late. But that was 6 years ago, so I thought I got over it and I could maybe handle a full shift... but clearly I was wrong.
I mean it all started off fine, I was getting on fine. But after maybe a while, I started to feel mentally fatigued... and it didn't help that I had to help de-escalate a situation where two of kids started acting up, getting into argument, screaming at each other with one of them trying to storm off with me trying to drag them back<span;>(not literally) and calm them down while trying to keep myself composed as angry shouting and arguing is one of my triggers. After handling the situation, my colleagues could clearly see I was becoming overwhelmed, so they let me go for my lunch early to have some quiet time. I felt embarrassed about it but my colleagues were so lovely and understanding about it and so they decided that it was best if I just called it a day and told just to go home, relax and just work the morning shift for the rest of the week instead of the full day.
I kept trying to apologise for not being able to cope with a full day shift but they were so lovely and said nothing to apologise for, that I had done great today and to just go home, relax and come back fresh tomorrow. But I still felt this sense guilt and shame despite their reassurances. I expressed this to my work coach and he said that I shouldn't feel embarrassed or ashamed as clearly this showed that I had my limits to what I'm capable of doing and that's okay as he was worried that a full day shift would be too much for me as he knows how overwhelmed I can get.
But there was something that worried me more and that was having to explain to my parents once I got home. You see, my parents sometimes still have a hard time understanding my autism and that I don't function like everybody else does. Sometimes, I think they find it hard accept my diagnosis and they think if they act like I'm normal and keep up their tough love outlook with me then I can function like a normal human being. So, of course when I came home earlier than the time I said and told them what happened, they seemed confused.
My mum's response was:-
"I don't understand why you couldn't handle this when you've worked harder than this before? You used to do overtime in your previous job".
She clearly forgot that I'd never worked more than 4 hours in any job I've ever had or how overwhelmed I was whenever I was asked to do overtime at the daycare centre. So, I explained to her as best as I could how I was feeling and that it was the colleagues and work coaches advice to stick to number of working hours I'm used to. Luckily there was no disagreement or argument about it and she accepted the situation... but I'm not quite sure she fully understands yet. I think because she, my dad and even my brother are able to work full shifts with no issues or trouble that they maybe think that I should be able to do so to like other people. I think maybe that's why even though others tell me that it's okay for me to have limits and that I shouldn't have to feel bad for feeling overwhelmed if things get too much for me, that I still feel embarrassed and ashamed as I feel like there's this enormous amount pressure to try and work hard like everyone else and that me doing anything less is laziness or that I'm not trying hard enough.
But I am trying to remember what everybody else keeps telling me... that everybody is different, that I'm not lazy, I'm not a quitter and that everybody has there limits... and that's okay.
Anyways, thank you for patience and apologies for making this so long
