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ADHDer just diagnosed with Autism. What an anxious spikey journey (from day 1).

SubKonscious

Hi all. I want to introduce myself by saying I am 44 y/o and have just received confirmation that I am “Atypical Autistic”. In a way, I did not need it to be "official". I just knew, but medical confirmation psychologically is another journey, isn’t it? I felt like, for once, there was no inner conflict with something coming from outside me. I was fully aligned. And together with my long-time diagnosed ADHD explains why nothing has ever been easy. Or should I say why nothing has ever worked out?

Reading from other autistic posters here, a diagnosis of this type can strain an already strained relationship with your partner. This has been my case. Whether it is because I was told I want to use autism as an answer for everything or because my partner “didn’t sign up for this when we met”, I found myself lonelier than ever. I don’t know about other ones, but I am a person who, because of the way life has always been — ridiculous number of changes everywhere due to, among other things, fluctuations with motivation that pass from 0-100-0-100 constantly with EVERYTHING — meeting people has not been on my radar for quite some time. Social interactions? Yes, but only to the ones that are strictly needed. Not one more, thank you. Simply put, unless conversations with people are meaningful to me, I just can’t deal with any of them. And the meaningful ones from my perspective are more than rare in a neurotypical world. Masking throughout a whole life and trying to fit in somewhere —  even though it was obvious, insisting was never the way to go — leaves you totally drained and deeply uninterested in being social. Or so is my experience. This is such an exhausting journey.

Well, having agreed to try to improve things little by little, does anyone know if there is any place where autistic/neurodivergent people can gather (doesn't have to be physically, but if so, I'm in London) and share some common interests? My special interest list, for example, has varied over the years, but listening to records is a total addiction (melodic types of metal/electronic/ethereal music and an obsession for The Doors). Deep, meaningful conversations are the other thing that makes me reconnect with my (lost) inner me. Either way, it is a pleasure to be part of this great autism online community. Take care and see you around. 

Parents

  • Hello and welcome!

    AuDHD has been a rather new and anxious discovery for me, also. It was through my ADHD diagnosis and after taking meds that I realised that something still wasn't adding up, and then after researching into Autism (or rather having both ADHD and Autism), it was like everything suddenly clicked.

    All of the struggles you have described, I deeply empathise with, especially when other people don't understand (or choose not to) our experience. And that is one of the great things about this community, it's full of people who 'get it'.

    I share a similar special interest to you, although it's not collecting records itself, I am deeply enthralled by the 70s and 80s Punk, post-punk, goth and new wave scene. Although I'd say it spans to just about anything with an electric guitar, it could be anything from The Doors to The Cure to Blondie to Slipknot.

    I hope to keep seeing you around, friend.

     

  • in reply to Scorpion3983

    Hey, thanks for your message! Feels great to know other people (like you) empathise with things that have been such a struggle throughout one’s whole life. It really is a game changer.

    I’m one of those cases in which nothing ever worked to treat my ADHD (I knew about it way before than my autism). It actually worsen some symptoms specially my anxiety. I ended up disappointed and confused. Then I pretended ADHD wasn’t even real for years but the struggles were very real and everywhere. Besides, the older you get the bigger they get. And all that was without knowing autism was part of that cocktail in which, at that point, everything was shapeless, confusing, chaotic… Because when you’re an AuDHDer very often one part of you is the opposite of the other but you’re the same person. It’s like you’re very confident and unconfident at the same time. You like peace but also need action. You love something but another part of you hates it. That’s where Autism and ADHD can be so hard to live with. You are full of contradictions. Am I also describing the way it is for you?

    Ok, so you love music in general but specially punk, post-punk, goth and new wave, correct? — I’m a huge fan of The Cure by the way but just his really dark albums of the so called trilogy of the 80’s and Disintegration. My passion for music is one of the only things that remained unaffected by liking something one day and then losing total interest.

     You’ll see me around Wink

Reply
  • in reply to Scorpion3983

    Hey, thanks for your message! Feels great to know other people (like you) empathise with things that have been such a struggle throughout one’s whole life. It really is a game changer.

    I’m one of those cases in which nothing ever worked to treat my ADHD (I knew about it way before than my autism). It actually worsen some symptoms specially my anxiety. I ended up disappointed and confused. Then I pretended ADHD wasn’t even real for years but the struggles were very real and everywhere. Besides, the older you get the bigger they get. And all that was without knowing autism was part of that cocktail in which, at that point, everything was shapeless, confusing, chaotic… Because when you’re an AuDHDer very often one part of you is the opposite of the other but you’re the same person. It’s like you’re very confident and unconfident at the same time. You like peace but also need action. You love something but another part of you hates it. That’s where Autism and ADHD can be so hard to live with. You are full of contradictions. Am I also describing the way it is for you?

    Ok, so you love music in general but specially punk, post-punk, goth and new wave, correct? — I’m a huge fan of The Cure by the way but just his really dark albums of the so called trilogy of the 80’s and Disintegration. My passion for music is one of the only things that remained unaffected by liking something one day and then losing total interest.

     You’ll see me around Wink

Children
  • in reply to SubKonscious

    For me, it seems the medication has a mind of its own and decides whether it wants to be effective when it pleases. When I first started it, I felt like a lot of my anxiety went away, and I could deal with people around large groups of people or maintain conversation for an extended period of time without making things "Weird" or feeling anxiety. But now, in that regard, I am back to baseline. 

    I completely understand the struggles you are describing. I've heard people describe it as two sides of their brain fighting each other; however, to me, it feels more akin to watching the two sides of my brain fight each other, except nobody wins, and I've been peppered by stray bullets. Contradiction is rife, nothing makes sense, and I can't figure out what it is I actually enjoy, am skilled at, or want to do with my life. Any interest I have or hobby I pick up (which isn't just a random hyperfocus rabbit hole) is short-lived, not in the sense that I don't care about it or I've lost interest, but rather when I actually go to sit down and do it, I just can't. 

    (and then enter a month-long spiral about whether I actually like or can do the things I like, or whether I was just pretending. Imposter syndrome?) 

    This is how it manifests for me at least. 

    On the subject of music, yes, you are correct. Also, it is quite alright to have a preference for the darker albums. I think the different styles they have made have different purposes. I love all of their albums, personally, but their more "Love song" albums are not something I can relate to as much as something like Disintegration (which in my opinion, is one of the greatest albums ever made, maybe seconded by O.K Computer?)

    I shall be seeing you!