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Relationship issue - how can I rescue and maintain a new friendship with a girl if the conversation happens to fizzle out a bit momentarily?

jnev_74

Hi there,

There is one young lady (nearly 20) and NT who I seem to really like these days. She is studying at Uni close to home.

I'm set to meet up for a few drinks with her and a male mutual friend some evening next week - after a 10 to 11 month wait. I wouldn't drink alcohol personally, so will likely get a soft drink.

I was introduced after a Church service by her friend's dad back in like October 2023. I like her that much,

that I just can't seem to imagine my life without her. The mutual friend also knows that I hope to propose to her at some stage in the future.

But the friendship, you could say, hasn't quite started yet officially. So I'm aiming for sometime near or at Easter next year, for

fear of missing out by leaving it too long. Apparently, I'd need to be in a relationship first before taking such a step.

Back in 2019, I did go on a date with a girl who was 6 years younger than me at the same sort of age. The first date went really well

and we met up at St Stephen's Green in Dublin, explored around the shopping mall, had some lunch and a walk outside in the sunny weather. Then we

got a few photos, had an ice cream and then went home. For the second date, she visited my local City (about 178 miles above where she used to live).

When we met, she had given me an Easter egg as a gift. My mum bought me a bracelet to give to her and I said it was from us. Not sure whether it was given that

Saturday. In all likelihood, it was the Sunday or Monday. So when we met at the Hotel in my local City, mum went to go and get some groceries for the week.

Her and I went around the Mall for a walk and stopped in at Caffe Nero. Then mum brought us out to my house and we chilled for a bit.

After that, I had a drive with her to a Park near another town about 13 miles away. Conversation went well and was shared. We had a nice walk and got a few photos, then went for lunch

at a local shopping courtyard place. Then we went back Home and then to the cinema in my local City once again

to see Dumbo the Elephant, since she really likes those animals. It went well and I left her back to the B&B (where she was staying) in the evening and

I went back home in my car. On Sunday, I picked her up after she had a morning fry and she went out to our home place again. Then mum said her and dad were

gonna head out for a drive. So I asked the girl if she would you like to go out for a drive somewhere or play some 8 ball pool. She was like nah, I don't really feel like going out, sorry.

Then we went down to the sitting room and watched some TV. The Secret Life of Pets movie was on, then one of the Doctor Do Little films. I asked her

once more are you sure you don't wanna go out then Stephanie and she said naw, I'm okay. Just having a lazy slow go day. Sorry, I just struggle with social anxiety.

She seemed to go on her phone at the time when I was talking and she said do you know this guy? (a mutual friend) And I said yeah, I know him from a Christian camp that I done one

time before. She said, yeah... he seems like a nice guy. I left her back in to the B&B that evening and then on Monday, my parents brought her back down to her town

down south with me. We hugged when she was on the street near her home and I said something like thanks for the weekend Steph. Maybe we can meet up again sometime and

she was like yeah and maybe let out a brief sigh and smiled.

After that, I texted her when I was back Home. Hi Stephanie, we managed to stop off for a Chopstix meal on the way home. Thanks also to your Dad for taking the time to

bring you all the way up here :) So have you any plans for this evening? But she didn't seem to get back and it looked as though I was 'ghosted'... Rolling eyes 

I did try pouring my heart out a few times but nothing came from it, so I just had to switch off and move on and it did take some months. There were many tears that were shed and I even got

a photo frame with a photo from our first date but some months had passed and my mum removed it and placed one of our family wedding photos within it instead a few years after.

Sorry for the quite long epistle - it just helps me to explain a past experience to consolidate understanding!

In the past, I've managed 7 dates - with the previous 2 people it went to a second date. The last of which was like September 2022.

That person (36) got on really well with me but I wasn't sure how I felt and I think she picked up on that eventually sadly.

She messaged me on the dating app some days after and said hi James, you seem like a really lovely guy. I'm sure you'll meet someone nice online or at one of these Church events.

So back to where I was earlier in this post. With my condition (high functioning autism) and the challenge around social communication, I'm not sure whether I can remember what ChatGPT

suggested for me to say - to help me secure the friendship with this new girl, if it sounds as though the conversation is petering out.

Would anyone on here presumably have anything written that I could perhaps show her,

should I happen to experience something like that again? I really don't want to go through what happened with Stephanie when I was 25 and she was 19. Now, I'm 7 years on and the new

person is almost 20 and in 2nd year at University studying Pharmacy. I'm just not sure what to do next in terms of that.

Parents

  • Dating is quite problematic for autists and our frequent lack of social understanding often leads us to turn off potential partners in the early stages of getting to know someone.

    There is a useful article on it here: https://www.millyevans.com/blog/why-dating-can-be-tricky-for-autistic-people-and-some-tips-from-an-autistic-person

    Everyone will have an opinion and not many of them will be helpful but I would say it is worth being up front about your lack of social awareness - maybe make it a bit of a running joke about the situations it gets you into and actually use it as a talking point at times.

    Similarly with the gaps in conversation. Make it one of your "things" that sets you apart from the others. Ask her if she feels comfortable when you are not talking as if she is uncomfortable then it won't last between you, no matter how hard you try. That has been my experience.

    I wouldn't admit to being autistic straight away either as there is a stigma attached to it that can make people close down any interest at the very mention of it. Let them get to know you a bit first and realise that you are fun to be around then you have all this in your favour when it comes time to disclose it.

    jnev_74 said:
    But the friendship, you could say, hasn't quite started yet officially. So I'm aiming for sometime near or at Easter next year

    You can't schedule starting a friendship. It tends to happen or doesn't - and the only time you have is now so I would recommend not waiting but make the connection now and keep it ticking over until you have time to do more with it.

    It helps to be as authentic as you can be - this also brings confidence which is a big factor in attraction. Let the partner see the real you as they will find it sooner or later and if you are masking all the time then you are not being genuine and this will probably be a problem when they find out.

    Also, do you want someone who likes you for someone you are only pretending to be through masking? Be yourself, be proud of it and own it and this will go a long way to making others pay attention to you.

Reply

  • Dating is quite problematic for autists and our frequent lack of social understanding often leads us to turn off potential partners in the early stages of getting to know someone.

    There is a useful article on it here: https://www.millyevans.com/blog/why-dating-can-be-tricky-for-autistic-people-and-some-tips-from-an-autistic-person

    Everyone will have an opinion and not many of them will be helpful but I would say it is worth being up front about your lack of social awareness - maybe make it a bit of a running joke about the situations it gets you into and actually use it as a talking point at times.

    Similarly with the gaps in conversation. Make it one of your "things" that sets you apart from the others. Ask her if she feels comfortable when you are not talking as if she is uncomfortable then it won't last between you, no matter how hard you try. That has been my experience.

    I wouldn't admit to being autistic straight away either as there is a stigma attached to it that can make people close down any interest at the very mention of it. Let them get to know you a bit first and realise that you are fun to be around then you have all this in your favour when it comes time to disclose it.

    jnev_74 said:
    But the friendship, you could say, hasn't quite started yet officially. So I'm aiming for sometime near or at Easter next year

    You can't schedule starting a friendship. It tends to happen or doesn't - and the only time you have is now so I would recommend not waiting but make the connection now and keep it ticking over until you have time to do more with it.

    It helps to be as authentic as you can be - this also brings confidence which is a big factor in attraction. Let the partner see the real you as they will find it sooner or later and if you are masking all the time then you are not being genuine and this will probably be a problem when they find out.

    Also, do you want someone who likes you for someone you are only pretending to be through masking? Be yourself, be proud of it and own it and this will go a long way to making others pay attention to you.

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