I had to quit my job a week and a bit ago and now I'm just feeling burnt out and hopeless about the concept of finding another job that won't end the same way.
Background info/context: (feel free to skip this if it's too long!)
It was my first job. I was anxious but also happy to have a reason to get out of the house and do something I'd always liked the idea of doing which is working with kids. After I got diagnosed and experienced so much burnout from education, I realised I needed something part-time and entry level that gave me space for plenty of rest - so I took on a lunchtime supervision job. One hour a day, five days a week, and I got school holidays off to rest and go out or partake in my hobbies since I struggled to do that during the work week. I enjoyed it ever since I started in March. I definitely had hard days where I questioned everything and it was too much, but the other week made it unbareable for me and I felt forced to quit.
It was one of my first times following the indoor play routine on the Monday and I was unable to control the class I was with. Forty minutes of consistent screaming that I could not stop or be heard over. It was so different from the usual play routine outside. I felt overstimulated, trapped, unqualified, and like I was useless. I'd been asking for behaviour management training in my meetings with my manager for months and never gotten it, and I don't know if even that would have helped make it alright but I would've liked the option to at least try. It made my sensory tolerance extremely low the rest of the week and things just got worse and worse.
My work moved me to another class later in the week after having a huge meltdown in the morning and having to get my mom to call in. Things were better, but then they told me they couldn't do it for me again. For whatever reason, they couldn't guarantee a change of class and I still don't really understand why as I'd been with the same class, guaranteed, since I started. They framed it as if it was optional: stay or go, but if I stayed and I knew I'd eventually have a meltdown in front of the kids. I said I didn't feel able or qualified enough to handle that class again, and my manager asked "Does this mean you're handing in your notice?"
"Yes, I think so then, I guess?"
Then I was told to write my letter of resignation by the end of the day and I resigned with immediate effect. My mom and friends said it was unfair, it felt unfair, but I had been worn down so much that I just wanted to be done with it at that point.
Continue here if you wanted to skip the background info:
I was feeling really hopeful about this job leading to me finding an even better job in the same area and setting me up for an enjoyable work life. Travel to this job costed more than I was paid as I use Uber due to being unable to use public transport (PIP covered this), so I was excited to find a job that was a few more hours maybe and a bit more worth my while. Now I just feel hopeless - I couldn't handle this, what makes me think I could do a similar role with more hours? Not to mention how hard it is to find roles that provide me with enough rest time as it is. As for doing a different role altogether, I have no idea what I'd enjoy and I don't want to keep putting my self into burnout from constant trial and error.
I'm scared of how stressed out job searching makes me - it's almost a guaranteed meltdown every time and my thoughts get so self-depricating and I feel useless every time I don't know how to fill the form in or don't understand something about the role. I eventually get so caught up in worrying about the future that I can't get out of that headspace for ages.
I really don't know what to do now. I'm burnt out, eventually I will get sick of having no sense of purpose and nothing encouraging me to go outside again, and I worry that no job will work for me. It's really confusing and overwhelming.
