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Help, friendship concern?

NAS51148

Hey all, 

Having/finding friendships as an autistic person I’ve felt quite difficult and I left school almost 20 years ago and haven’t had a friend since, until the last couple of years where I made a friend (online) who has since been to visit on quite a few occasions. 

However, I’m trying to hold tightly onto this friendship as it’s the only one I have - but I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. She associates me as a “bestie” and states she “loves me” but I have noticed more-so over the last year she’s a compulsive liar. I think for me I’m quite luckily I’m able to see through her lies easily and her actions and body language speaks a thousand words, so I’m able to navigate accordingly to her lies and play dumb to them. 

However I think I’m leaving myself vulnerable and I’m frightened in having no friends again - it’s a lonely world. When she does visit I generally pay for everything for her, and give her money for transport and such, though a thanks is rarely heard and I think manners is so important to show gratitude for that. It was her birthday a couple of months ago and I didn’t even receive acknowledgement or a thankyou for the card, again it takes two seconds. 

You might think why am I writing this as it seems clear, but in my mind it isn’t. How exactly am I meant to deal with this? What is the right way or wrong way? Do I keep playing dumb or do I become friendless again. I’m very wary with the information I share with her now as I feel I can’t fully trust her. I know when she’s being true and genuine she is a decent human but I think she has her finger in too many friendships to see what is the best offer she can get from each one. She never introduces one to another and it’s all very secretive. 

My heads a mess, I’ve cried night over nights, and I had spoken to her twice prior about some of her behaviour and it was always someone else’s fault - again, which I didn’t believe but I played dumb to. 

…help? From a confused Autistic struggling with their first ever adult friend. 

Parents
  • NAS51148 said:
    You might think why am I writing this as it seems clear, but in my mind it isn’t

    I think what is happening here is you have rationally thought about it, realised the "friend" is actually a parasite and you are better off using your energy to find new friends but your subconcious brain is scared of being alone so is sabotaging your decision making.

    In your situation I would listen to my concious brain and dump the friend. Tell them exactly why to clear my concience and them move on to entering new social groups to work on making friends.

    If my subconcious mind was causing me to cry at night then I would get myself a therapist who has experience of helping other autists and work through the issues with them. They are great at helping you see why your concious mind can be trusted but also to understand why the subconcious mind is such a sabotaging little git.

    Knowledge brings power.

    That is just my approach though.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for this   I have been trying to be less involved but it is difficult because of how sensitive I am, and I’m aware every action had a consequence and I don’t want my actions to cause someone else to be upset. I can’t handle that. 
    At what cost is becoming more prominent now. 

    As I have said I am not sure what adult friendships are meant to be like, and how do people navigate friendships which are more for gain than true genuine friendship. 

    You are completely correct that the subconscious mind is almost like a little enemy in itself. I don’t want to be without a friend, and I admit that wholeheartedly but perhaps I should try to mirror her and give back what I receive. Minus the lying. I can’t do or tolerate lying, I feel like any little white lie I’ve told I have a big sign over my head saying THIS ISNT TRUE! 

    Thank you though, I need a to find a way of moving on, albeit if it means no friends. 

Reply
  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for this   I have been trying to be less involved but it is difficult because of how sensitive I am, and I’m aware every action had a consequence and I don’t want my actions to cause someone else to be upset. I can’t handle that. 
    At what cost is becoming more prominent now. 

    As I have said I am not sure what adult friendships are meant to be like, and how do people navigate friendships which are more for gain than true genuine friendship. 

    You are completely correct that the subconscious mind is almost like a little enemy in itself. I don’t want to be without a friend, and I admit that wholeheartedly but perhaps I should try to mirror her and give back what I receive. Minus the lying. I can’t do or tolerate lying, I feel like any little white lie I’ve told I have a big sign over my head saying THIS ISNT TRUE! 

    Thank you though, I need a to find a way of moving on, albeit if it means no friends. 

Children
  • in reply to NAS51148
    NAS51148 said:
    I don’t want my actions to cause someone else to be upset. I can’t handle that. 

    I find it helps to reallise that I am the one being most upset so I need to be gentle to myself before considering others.

    NAS51148 said:
    I am not sure what adult friendships are meant to be like

    They take all shapes and forms so don't worry about what they should be. Focus on making a connection and see how it develops. Take your time and find quality people you want to spend time around rather than just who wants to be around you.

    NAS51148 said:
    perhaps I should try to mirror her and give back what I receive

    I find it means more to me to be authentic rather than trying to meter out justice - be the better person and the former friend will realise what they have lost and it may help them be a better person eventually. Probably not but there is always a chance.