Help, friendship concern?

Hi

This this is such a tough situation to be in. First of all you sound like an excellent friend, one that should be valued and treasured.

The biggest problem for me would be the compulsive lying. I find it hard to trust people and trust can be very elusive when there are lies involved in a relationship.

It sounds like you have tried to talk things through, which is what I would have tried. I know how it feels when you want someone to be a certain way and nothing ever changes, it hurts. But you know what, at some point you'll just know you can't do it anymore and little by little you'll start to pull away.

Don't force yourself to make any hasty decisions just listen to what your heart is telling you. There is no right or wrong way, only your way, and that will be the right way!! 

I hope you reach a place of peace soon.

Thank you so much for replying to me Lonehare12  

I have consistently tried to be what I think a good friend should be like, and probably going above and beyond a bit far too much. 
It’s definitely not in an overbearing way, but in a way that shows nothing but respect and kindness and also lifting them up on a daily basis. 
I don’t necessarily need that to be reciprocated but honesty and respect is worth more than anything in the world to me. 

We have a lot in common, and I’m trying my hardest to think what I want, but it’s lonely without that person to message on a daily basis just to share random thoughts or experiences throughout the day. What I receive in return is a fake version of their day or experiences. 

I want someone to be friends with me for me, to text and have a giggle, to play games online or share pictures of nature and wildlife. 

I’ve pulled away significantly over the last months and shared less about detailed information in my days and such just because the trust isn’t there. I am struggling, I don’t know. My husband doesn’t want to see me upset, and he feels taken advantage of when she does visit, as well as her behaviour around me. Then it’s just “banter” isn’t it? I don’t really do “banter” I’m quite a sensitive and to the point person. I have wondered whether I’m the problem in retrospect of being too over sensitive. I don’t know what adult friendships are meant to be like! 

Thank you so much for replying to me Lonehare12  

I have consistently tried to be what I think a good friend should be like, and probably going above and beyond a bit far too much. 
It’s definitely not in an overbearing way, but in a way that shows nothing but respect and kindness and also lifting them up on a daily basis. 
I don’t necessarily need that to be reciprocated but honesty and respect is worth more than anything in the world to me. 

We have a lot in common, and I’m trying my hardest to think what I want, but it’s lonely without that person to message on a daily basis just to share random thoughts or experiences throughout the day. What I receive in return is a fake version of their day or experiences. 

I want someone to be friends with me for me, to text and have a giggle, to play games online or share pictures of nature and wildlife. 

I’ve pulled away significantly over the last months and shared less about detailed information in my days and such just because the trust isn’t there. I am struggling, I don’t know. My husband doesn’t want to see me upset, and he feels taken advantage of when she does visit, as well as her behaviour around me. Then it’s just “banter” isn’t it? I don’t really do “banter” I’m quite a sensitive and to the point person. I have wondered whether I’m the problem in retrospect of being too over sensitive. I don’t know what adult friendships are meant to be like! 

Friendships are highly complex, especially if we aren't used to them. They are particularly difficult for very honest people. Individuals who have high behavioural standards may also be disappointed. The more people we know the easier it is. Even knowing acquaintances is useful because this helps us understand human nature. For example, I have a friend who described someone I know as a pathological liar. Admittedly, the individual in question seems to take gross liberties with the truth, and has even encouraged me to tell a lie. However, the man is not autistic and it is therefore important for me to not judge him from my own excessive honesty. If we know people who are imperfect that is because we know people. When disappointed with a friend the best thing to do is to achieve some space- instead of dumping them consider seeing them less often. Their irritating habits will seem less of a problem and they may be more grateful for what you give them. Above all, try not to let a difficult friendship affect your self-esteem, your worth is independent of their opinions and behaviour. Good luck!

Try not to be too hard on yourself, I think we all struggle in this area. I have just sort of resigned myself to the fact that maybe I may never have a close friend, but that doesn't mean that I don't have meaningful connections with people.

I just try to treat people how I want to be treated myself, but there are limitations especially when you are on the recieving end of poor treatment. It's sort of like finding a needle in a haystack sometimes.

Try not to settle for less than you deserve.

Staying hopeful for you

Thank you! You do show sincerity and genuine in your replies and that’s something I can notice a big difference to any other communication I’ve received from my friendship. 
I feel like I just need to give what I receive in terms of the friendship and mirror that - I feel like if I did that it may just run its course naturally. 
I do believe my kindness has been taken for granted massively and it has been a case of what can I get this time. I will stop that. 
I have to try and find a way of making more genuine friends, somehow, somewhere. It’s not easy as an adult, when you’re in school you just make a friendship there and then. That’s why it took me about 17 years to make a friend. 

It shouldn't be complicated though, that's probably the answer, right there and you've got there yourself. If it's right it should be a source of joy and mutual support.

You don't have to hurt anyone, if you decide you no longer want to be friends just cool it down, respond less. 

Only you know what is going to work for you, friendless for a bit or having this awful thing you are going through right now.

You can chat with me and lots of other people on here because I think we get each other and we genuinely want to help.

You've got this.

I’ve spoken in depth with my husband about multiple times and we can work out the biggest issues? That sounds harsh saying it like that. Theres probably a better way to phrase that. 

I don’t know if it’s a dopamine hit or just the fact of having someone else to talk to. I love my husband to eternity and beyond, but having a female to talk to, and having some similar interests it has been nice. Just cant imagine my life going back to friendless. 
I have so many anxieties so even leaving the house on days is a massive challenge so it’s hard to connect with anyone.

Ps, equally yourself sounds lovely and you deserve a best friend too that values you for you. 

I wasn’t sure what to expect putting this on a platform, I guess it was if anything, a way to write down and for someone to acknowledge or advise about a friendship really. 
I would never want to hurt her feelings and I do everything to avoid that, but I can feel I’m bottling so much inside. I think in some cases she knows that I know she’s lying but she’s in far too deep. 

I don’t do “falling out” or conflict. I’d never want to cause upset but at what cost? It’s such a complicated thing isn’t it, friendships. 

Yeah I get you totally. I think I get disappointed easily when I find out that friends are judgemental then it makes me cool off.

I'm trying not to label myself as too sensitive, I'm just me and I need things to be a certain way to be able to relax and enjoy a relationship. I don't think that's too much to ask. I just want a genuine person as a friend.

Do you think it's the dopamine hit of the text messages? I had a similar situation a couple of years ago and I did pull away eventually but when there are parts you enjoy it's hard. Have you done a pros and cons list? seeing things written down can help you make sense of them.

I think an adult friendship should feel relaxing and not a burden. There shouldn't be any guess work you know you have each others back even if you don't talk for a while. I'm not an expert BTW. I don't really have what I would call a best friend.