Struggling

Hello Megumi, welcome to the forum. You are amongst kin here.

Megumi said:

My parents say I have to change, that I have to learn, and that they don't have to change. How do I do that?

This is a tricky one.

What I think is happening here is you are finding that 95% of people are "nurotypical", or are not autistic so they are expecting you (as one of the 5% minority) to adapt to the habits of the majority. On paper this seems reasonable.

However, the issues we face can make this incredibly hard and it sounds like your parents are not overly accepting of you being your authentic self and are effectively asking you to act normal (or mask as it is referred to for us).

Masking is essentially us acting the way we think we need to in order to survive in society. It costs a lot of mental energy and we rarely pass as 100% normal even when practiced at it, so it is an imperfect solution.

Megumi said:

But what causes the most arguments is when they ask who did something, and I say I didn't and I defend myself.

I find that simply not speaking up in these situations is the most effective way. If they ask directly "did you do this" then simply say "no". Give no further info unless asked.

The benefit of this approach is they basically have to call you a liar to your face to proceed with the accusation so note the way they say it and be prepared to use exactly the same wording against them if they are caught in a lie themselves. The embarrasment is often enough to stop them doing it again.

Megumi said:

Sometimes I can get angry when they say do something when I'm already doing it. I don't know why.

This can stem from PDA (pathological demand avoidance) where we rebel against being told what to do, a common autistic trait.

I find it more reassuring to think to myself "I thought of doing it before you" and just go back to focussing on the task - no response if they can see you doing it and if they are on the phone then say "I started doing it 15 mins ago" or whatever it was to establish you are ahead of them.

A lot of the learning to make this less frustrating I found was starting to accept that you parents are just flawed human beings and have their faults, make mistakes and may not be skilled in giving orders (there us a high probability that at least one is neurodiverse too since autism is hereditary).

Accepting them as imperfect and feeling a little sympathy can take the sting out of it.

Lastly, I would recommend trying to get a therapist who has experience in helping autists as there are a lot of techniqes they can teach you to reduce the hassle from your autistic traits. If your parents are giving you grief then use this as leverage to improve your skills and be more "normal" for them if it is what they need.

Being out true selves in an unaccepting family unit is tough so these suggestions may help you survive better.

Hello Megumi, welcome to the forum. You are amongst kin here.

Megumi said:

My parents say I have to change, that I have to learn, and that they don't have to change. How do I do that?

This is a tricky one.

What I think is happening here is you are finding that 95% of people are "nurotypical", or are not autistic so they are expecting you (as one of the 5% minority) to adapt to the habits of the majority. On paper this seems reasonable.

However, the issues we face can make this incredibly hard and it sounds like your parents are not overly accepting of you being your authentic self and are effectively asking you to act normal (or mask as it is referred to for us).

Masking is essentially us acting the way we think we need to in order to survive in society. It costs a lot of mental energy and we rarely pass as 100% normal even when practiced at it, so it is an imperfect solution.

Megumi said:

But what causes the most arguments is when they ask who did something, and I say I didn't and I defend myself.

I find that simply not speaking up in these situations is the most effective way. If they ask directly "did you do this" then simply say "no". Give no further info unless asked.

The benefit of this approach is they basically have to call you a liar to your face to proceed with the accusation so note the way they say it and be prepared to use exactly the same wording against them if they are caught in a lie themselves. The embarrasment is often enough to stop them doing it again.

Megumi said:

Sometimes I can get angry when they say do something when I'm already doing it. I don't know why.

This can stem from PDA (pathological demand avoidance) where we rebel against being told what to do, a common autistic trait.

I find it more reassuring to think to myself "I thought of doing it before you" and just go back to focussing on the task - no response if they can see you doing it and if they are on the phone then say "I started doing it 15 mins ago" or whatever it was to establish you are ahead of them.

A lot of the learning to make this less frustrating I found was starting to accept that you parents are just flawed human beings and have their faults, make mistakes and may not be skilled in giving orders (there us a high probability that at least one is neurodiverse too since autism is hereditary).

Accepting them as imperfect and feeling a little sympathy can take the sting out of it.

Lastly, I would recommend trying to get a therapist who has experience in helping autists as there are a lot of techniqes they can teach you to reduce the hassle from your autistic traits. If your parents are giving you grief then use this as leverage to improve your skills and be more "normal" for them if it is what they need.

Being out true selves in an unaccepting family unit is tough so these suggestions may help you survive better.

Thank you alot! This really helps. I'm already seeing a therapist luckily, but I don't really feel comfortable with them .