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Shutdown/unable to speak/pressured by mum

k7Q

As long as I am able to remember I always struggled to communicate; since childhood I have frequently had periods of mutism. I am 30 and was late diagnosed in July with level 2 autism. My mum attended the diagnostic assessment to answer questions, including those relating to communication. In the interview she described my mutism and explained that I barely talk at home. 

This was detailed in the assessment report which I shared with her. Well now she is still losing it with me, saying ‘you aren’t TALKING, (my name)! WHY WON’T YOU TALK?!’ Several months before I was diagnosed she sent me a WhatsApp saying ‘I am at my wits end with you, your dad and your sister. I have to do all the talking, initiate everything and all I get is ignored’ I kept a copy of an email sent SIX YEARS ago where my mum was communicating with my university and she used the following words to describe me: ‘withdrawing into the mute state which overwhelms her at critical periods of high anxiety’ and ‘inability to speak’ I also spoke to my parents several years ago and said I suspect that I am selectively mute - mum also used to work with school refusers who struggled with speech and during my autism assessment she said to the assessor that she realised I was struggling the same way.

So I do not understand why my mum is always gaslighting me, insisting that I speak when she herself has acknowledged that I am mute. She has always been the issue. I have spent over a decade seeing so many therapists that I lost count. 

And it was always my mum who I spoke about during therapy. And to make it worse, my mum IS a therapist. I give up. When I am not able to speak she shouts at me and when I am she denies my reality, selectively remembers, and interrupts. 

We have attempted written communication. She uses this to enforce her opinions so I refuse to email or text her because that would be stooping to her level. We do not have a relationship and never have done. We still live together. I am unable to live independently. (in part this is because she infantilizes me and my siblings wanting to keep us dependent on her) All I am able to do is avoid.

Parents

  • Hello k7Q and welcome to our community here.

    Your post helps us to better understand what a difficult situation with which you are trying so hard to manage (as best you feel comfortable to do so given the options available to you at the moment).  

    Setting aside consideration about your mum for a moment; do you have someone in the real World, or online, with whom you do enjoy communicating / corresponding - by any means which duit you (please notice; that I am not putting the emphasis on talk / speak)?

    My priority is that I am keen to understand: what you would like communication styles and methods to be like (keeping what your mum says she wants you to do in a separate lidded box for now).

    It sounds like; over the years, you have worked so very hard attending numerous therapists etc.  Were there any techniques / strategies / way of thinking about things which appealed to you over that time - perhaps something you would like to explore in more detail if you had the opportunity?

    In our family we have a relative who was fully non-speaking until they were around aged 7.  In more recent years; they have e.g. happily spoken to me (a relative they see very infrequently) at family gatherings about e.g. their latest interests.  Despite these facts, not their mum, but their grandma: keeps on making reference to the young person not speaking and also - all at once / every time I meet her - sort of reminding everyone and pseudo apologising about the situation with her grandchild ...which is not actually the case and nobody but hew actually considers to be an issue.  I find that grandma's behaviour disrespectful to the young person.  It is the young person's comfort to communicate with whomever and in whichever manner they are most happy and relaxed - which is of my interest.  They are a great young person - when I hear the young person's name mentioned - I think about what I know of their interests, their enthusiasm in sharing those things with me and how pleasant and enjoyable it is if they attend a family event (not details of their distant past and certainly: I would far prefer communication opportunities with that young person ...and actively avoid likewise with their grandma!).

Reply

  • Hello k7Q and welcome to our community here.

    Your post helps us to better understand what a difficult situation with which you are trying so hard to manage (as best you feel comfortable to do so given the options available to you at the moment).  

    Setting aside consideration about your mum for a moment; do you have someone in the real World, or online, with whom you do enjoy communicating / corresponding - by any means which duit you (please notice; that I am not putting the emphasis on talk / speak)?

    My priority is that I am keen to understand: what you would like communication styles and methods to be like (keeping what your mum says she wants you to do in a separate lidded box for now).

    It sounds like; over the years, you have worked so very hard attending numerous therapists etc.  Were there any techniques / strategies / way of thinking about things which appealed to you over that time - perhaps something you would like to explore in more detail if you had the opportunity?

    In our family we have a relative who was fully non-speaking until they were around aged 7.  In more recent years; they have e.g. happily spoken to me (a relative they see very infrequently) at family gatherings about e.g. their latest interests.  Despite these facts, not their mum, but their grandma: keeps on making reference to the young person not speaking and also - all at once / every time I meet her - sort of reminding everyone and pseudo apologising about the situation with her grandchild ...which is not actually the case and nobody but hew actually considers to be an issue.  I find that grandma's behaviour disrespectful to the young person.  It is the young person's comfort to communicate with whomever and in whichever manner they are most happy and relaxed - which is of my interest.  They are a great young person - when I hear the young person's name mentioned - I think about what I know of their interests, their enthusiasm in sharing those things with me and how pleasant and enjoyable it is if they attend a family event (not details of their distant past and certainly: I would far prefer communication opportunities with that young person ...and actively avoid likewise with their grandma!).

Children
  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    Hello DormouseAtRest_25 and thanks for the kind reply.

    DormouseAtRest_25 said:
    Setting aside consideration about your mum for a moment; do you have someone in the real World, or online, with whom you do enjoy communicating / corresponding - by any means which duit you (please notice; that I am not putting the emphasis on talk / speak)?

    I am sometimes able to enjoy talking with my younger sister; apart from this I do not enjoy communicating.

    DormouseAtRest_25 said:
    I am keen to understand: what you would like communication styles and methods to be like (keeping what your mum says she wants you to do in a separate lidded box for now).

    I would like to be able to sign. I like to ‘absorb’’ communication such as watching tv. I do not feel like there is any need to respond to others apart from the minimum nodding or smiling. I often respond in my head and do not talk because I imagine that by ‘rehearsing’ in my head what I want to say I am encouraging masking. Or the other person does not allow for my processing speed and does not stop talking. At university I actually took drama at first. As a child I hated performing. The other side to performing though is that thanks to masking I am skilled at copying others. A part of me would enjoy taking part in acting again but I am scared that this would encourage masking which has had detrimental effects on my health.

    DormouseAtRest_25 said:
    Were there any techniques / strategies / way of thinking about things which appealed to you over that time - perhaps something you would like to explore in more detail if you had the opportunity?

    The best therapist I had allowed me to write down a list of thoughts during the week; I would present this to her at the start of the session and she would then say what stood out to her about the list as a starting point. Since receiving the diagnosis I was presented with a useful list of suggested therapy adaptations which I will push for if I am ever offered further therapy. At the moment I have been waiting for NHS therapy since 31/07/2024. 

    DormouseAtRest_25 said:
    nobody but hew actually considers to be an issue.  I find that grandma's behaviour disrespectful to the young person.  It is the young person's comfort to communicate with whomever and in whichever manner they are most happy and relaxed

     

    Similarly my mum is the only one making this an issue. My dad and sister do not talk a lot either, although they are not non-speaking the same way that I am at times. When I am relaxed it is easier to speak.