I've been thinking. The root cause of nearly all my issues has been doing things for the wrong reasons.
Due to trying to fit in and mask I have always been worried about how to do things for the best.
This is where the anxiety comes from. If I do things to get approval, for validation, to fit in, to avoid rejection, to not look foolish, to look good, I am dependent on the response of others. I am not in control of others, only myself. It makes everything fraught with risk. Of course it is scary. It leads to prevarication, over analysis, anxiety and fear of getting it wrong. It is why you feel trapped. It builds barriers.
Each time you try something, if you are brave enough, you observe everything carefully, you analyse any deviation from your plan to make it better next time. It is tiring.
The solution is to do things for yourself. The judge is you, not other people. External praise and validation is nice, but not essential. You know you, so you have all the information.
It may be hard to break out of it. You did things for your parents, for the teachers, for work colleagues, for friends, for your boss(es), for officials or doctors, your partner, etc. You feel awkward doing things for you, or don't feel worthy, you don't talk about you, because you never paid attention to you because it's not really about you.
This does not mean being selfish, or mean, you should still be a good person, but the primary reason for doing things is to please yourself. It is about being authentic, true and hones.
It is not that you don't care about what other people think, you do care, but it is the icing on the cake, you are the cake not the icing. This makes you resilient. Praise is nice but the response is muted, this is good not bad. Before it was the other way around.
When you do things for you, you have a purpose, you are in control, you know what outcome you want. It gives you confidence. Of course you have doubts, but you deal with those privately.
It is why confidence is attractive. People lack self-assuredness and look to others. It makes you look strong
I see key turning points where this happened. It changed things. I see I have been slipping back. The diagnosis made me lose myself and my confidence, which is why I have been feeling lost.
I've been struggling, a lot, to deal with the past because I doubted myself. I have also been trying to forgive myself.
Inner strength comes from knowing yourself, good bits and bad bits, making the best of it, and doing things for the right reasons.
