Hi everyone. I haven't been very active in this community for the past few months. I suppose that I have been dealing with self-acceptance and have been occupied with some intense interests. For a while, I thought that I had been doing OK, but I think that may have been because I have been ignoring certain feelings and thoughts instead of dealing with them and thinking them through. For context, I am 22 and still live with my family and was diagnosed almost a year ago.
As always, I am struggling with the fact that I am unable to work. I am so lucky to have been awarded PIP and the Universal Credit Limited Capability for work. Although they have been incredibly helpful for financing and not constantly worrying about money and how I am going to afford things. In a way, they have made me feel isolated and unable to explain their use to my family. I think that my family, in particular my mum, thinks that it is something to be ashamed of, or something that is only a temporary fix whilst I find a job.
She is constantly telling me that I just need to find something that suits me, or that I can't spend all my time inside and not get out and go to work. She constantly says that it does me 'no good' to never leave the house. When in reality it's not possible for me, and makes my life so much harder and makes me completely miserable and depressed and constantly having panic attacks and bad thoughts. My sensory issues and anxiety make it almost impossible for me to be in 'the world of work' and even just leaving the house, let alone everything else and all the steps that come with being in a workplace.
It really upsets me everytime I order something, for enjoyment or for an interest, for example some watercolour paints, only for her to always say 'what have you ordered now?' in a tone of voice that I know means 'you don't have a job so why are you spending money and not paying me back (I owe her money for when I have struggled in the past)'. It makes me feel so stupid for spending money, especially when I am gradually paying her back. She often almost brags about how my brother (neurotypical and 18 years old) has already paid her back the money he owed, but he has a full-time job. Then goes on to nag me that I should get a job and asks how much I owe her. It makes me feel like I'm unable to spend my own money until I have paid her back, even when the things I am purchasing are disability aids or special interest-related. I know that I am lucky to have the money to spend, and that I was able to borrow money from her, but I'm 22 years old. It makes me feel so childish that she is trying to control me in that way and shame me. I am trying to pay her back, but I do sometimes struggle with impulse buying, and I am trying to save money so that I don't need to borrow from her again.
I am constantly trying to explain to her that I can't work and that's why I have been awarded these disability benefits, but I feel that she is in denial that being autistic disables me. I have even offered to lend her some of my books on understanding autism so that she can better understand me, but she doesn't ever ask or want to read them. I have even told her what to look up online to understand if she doesn't want to read the books. I know that she hasn't done it because she hasn't spoken to me about it, or perhaps acted on what she could've learnt.
I'm so tired of being told that I just need to find the right job or get over myself. It really wears me down and makes me second-guess everything. I really do wish that I were able to earn my own money and have a job. I would especially love to work with animals, but at the moment, it just isn't possible for me. I know she thinks I am being lazy and can't be bothered to find a job, and am just relying on the benefits money. But in reality, it is saving me and making it possible for me to live, not just survive. I am just running out of ways to explain or get her to understand. I have tried to understand how she may be feeling, and that she, too, has to accept that her daughter is autistic and disabled.
But it is hard to empathise to an extent as she supports my younger sister, who is 15 and also struggles with anxiety, depression and self-harm, and constantly does things to help her and seems to understand. But she can't do the same for me, especially since she knows I also struggle with anxiety, depression, and self-harm. She is constantly sympathising, understanding, and caring for my sister, yet criticises and shames me for having similar issues. I know that autism is harder to understand and perhaps deal with, and something else for my mum to understand. But why won't she take the time to understand me? All I am asking for is understanding, nothing else. I just don't want to be constantly criticised and shamed. She tries to guilt me and make me feel bad because my 15-year-old sister gets paid to do some jobs from a family friend, and my 18-year-old brother has a job. So she can't understand why I don't. Despite the times I have explained why.
This is mainly a rant, and I feel that I have been repetitive (that autistic need to overexplain), as I feel I do not have anyone else to talk to who may understand, but I would appreciate it if anyone has any advice on talking with my mum about autism. Or if anyone else is experiencing similar things, I would love to hear and support you, even if I do not have any advice myself.
