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Not close to my 2 neurotypical sisters

E3t587

I feel as if they hold a grudge towards me for being autistic. They are both older than me, but we do not text regularly or update each other on our lives. I would have liked to hear from them more often but they don't show any effort.

I have always wanted a brother for this reason, and recently my best friend (who was a boy) left because I was too much to handle. He was like my brother. I have been very isolated so I joined this community to make online friends with the same issues that I have. 

Sometimes I am not very nice to people, mostly because I'm deeply unhappy with things and feel I have a lack of support in my life. I would like more support and I have reached out before to Samaritans and Shout text service. But there's only so much you can do sometimes when you're all on your own. I understand that's just the way the world is now and everybody has to fend for themselves these days but I'm finding it so difficult to find work that will suit my needs. I would prefer hybrid or remote work but it just seems like I can't find anything. Travelling to and from work would be a stress in itself so it holds me back.

Any advice would be appreciated from anyone who has faced similar issues with their neurotypical friends/family members.

Parents

  • I am sorry to hear you have struggled with your siblings.  I recognise some of that discomfort as I have over the years put a lot of effort into trying to maintain connection with my own sibling - unfortunately, not reciprocated.  Indeed, in recent years I have come to realise quite how Machiavellian their behaviour towards me has been (I feel that I should have realised what was going on a lot sooner than I did - I suspect my Autism contributed to that blindspot).

    I discussed the situation the issue presented by my sibling with someone who has known me for decades.  They summarised the situation to me as, in the case of my sibling: "a leopard doesn't change its spots". 

    What the person was explaining by that phrase was that, over the years they had heard from me and pieced together a clearer picture of my sibling's tactics sooner than I had been able to do so. 

    In the meantime, the person (not a relative) had not interfered by offering advice in a family matter - but now that I expressed to them that I had "got it" - they had now felt able to confirm to me their understanding of the situation.

    At some point with an adult sibling, I feel you may have to accept that "cordial acquaintance" is both as good as it gets and the safest option to safeguard yourself.  Sure, in my case, I really wish it were not so - but I don't believe (having tried many different options) that I can further, positively, influence my relationship with my sibling (and still protect myself).  So, what have I learned?  When I draw up my Lasting Power of Attorney (both Heath and Care plus Property and Finance): my sibling has demonstrated that they are most definitely not the person to state as my LPA person.  (That was possibly a narrow escape on my part).

    I have diverted some of my energy and investment of time in trying my best (even though uncomfortable) to visit new places, re-visit previously enjoyed places, attend new classes / groups - even though I am not a clique person, cultivate a wider range of acquaintances in the hope that, over time, one or two of them might become friends, and I am teaching myself to try and not put much store by being judged by my sibling - because that is not how I should accept being a "loved one" (a Christmas card is just contact, not the mark of a healthy, loving, trusting, relationship - we do not have that - my sibling and I - so I need to stop kidding myself that exists with my sibling and move on).

    Meet someone in your real world community for:

    - a walk and talk.

    - a coffee (you could meet in a park or view point with a thermos flask each).

    - a browse in a local library and a comparison of each other's book selection (you could choose one of the same books to make it *** a mini book club discussion via email or over Zoom - free for 40 minutes).

    - a museum visit (some periodically have a quieter Autism hour before the main visitor opening starts).

    - a packed lunch picnic somewhere away from the worst of the urban hubbub.

    - a free event hosted by a library, art gallery, or a museum.

    - attend a free course (e.g. hosted virtually or in person by organisations such as Mind, or Recovery College, or the OU's OpenLearn  www.open.edu/.../full-catalogue and some of the FutureLearn courses are free too www.futurelearn.com/search )

    - a joint grocery shopping trip during a supermarket's sensory quiet hour - usually this is at larger stores (some say on their website or on their store locator).

Reply

  • I am sorry to hear you have struggled with your siblings.  I recognise some of that discomfort as I have over the years put a lot of effort into trying to maintain connection with my own sibling - unfortunately, not reciprocated.  Indeed, in recent years I have come to realise quite how Machiavellian their behaviour towards me has been (I feel that I should have realised what was going on a lot sooner than I did - I suspect my Autism contributed to that blindspot).

    I discussed the situation the issue presented by my sibling with someone who has known me for decades.  They summarised the situation to me as, in the case of my sibling: "a leopard doesn't change its spots". 

    What the person was explaining by that phrase was that, over the years they had heard from me and pieced together a clearer picture of my sibling's tactics sooner than I had been able to do so. 

    In the meantime, the person (not a relative) had not interfered by offering advice in a family matter - but now that I expressed to them that I had "got it" - they had now felt able to confirm to me their understanding of the situation.

    At some point with an adult sibling, I feel you may have to accept that "cordial acquaintance" is both as good as it gets and the safest option to safeguard yourself.  Sure, in my case, I really wish it were not so - but I don't believe (having tried many different options) that I can further, positively, influence my relationship with my sibling (and still protect myself).  So, what have I learned?  When I draw up my Lasting Power of Attorney (both Heath and Care plus Property and Finance): my sibling has demonstrated that they are most definitely not the person to state as my LPA person.  (That was possibly a narrow escape on my part).

    I have diverted some of my energy and investment of time in trying my best (even though uncomfortable) to visit new places, re-visit previously enjoyed places, attend new classes / groups - even though I am not a clique person, cultivate a wider range of acquaintances in the hope that, over time, one or two of them might become friends, and I am teaching myself to try and not put much store by being judged by my sibling - because that is not how I should accept being a "loved one" (a Christmas card is just contact, not the mark of a healthy, loving, trusting, relationship - we do not have that - my sibling and I - so I need to stop kidding myself that exists with my sibling and move on).

    Meet someone in your real world community for:

    - a walk and talk.

    - a coffee (you could meet in a park or view point with a thermos flask each).

    - a browse in a local library and a comparison of each other's book selection (you could choose one of the same books to make it *** a mini book club discussion via email or over Zoom - free for 40 minutes).

    - a museum visit (some periodically have a quieter Autism hour before the main visitor opening starts).

    - a packed lunch picnic somewhere away from the worst of the urban hubbub.

    - a free event hosted by a library, art gallery, or a museum.

    - attend a free course (e.g. hosted virtually or in person by organisations such as Mind, or Recovery College, or the OU's OpenLearn  www.open.edu/.../full-catalogue and some of the FutureLearn courses are free too www.futurelearn.com/search )

    - a joint grocery shopping trip during a supermarket's sensory quiet hour - usually this is at larger stores (some say on their website or on their store locator).

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