I'm in a situation with someone who I thought was a friend, but now i realise may not be. I can't explain too much of the details as they may read it because they are autistic too. I'm trying to learn from this, but it's hard. I would speak direct to them but I don't think they'll change. I already tried to speak about something else.
I just needed to say something.
It is difficult for us here to be sure (by remote control) quite what the upsetting situation might be with which you are unfortunately trying your best to cope. It sounds really uncomfortable.
In case it helps in this case or future friend issues; there are three areas of "friends"-related life skills I wanted to share.
There are friends in life - and they are to be well maintained and treasured (they are the rare people with whom, like a family member, you invest by working hard to clear up any misunderstandings - even if you have to write a letter - before an issue becomes "a thing"!
However, apart from friends, there are 3 other categories of people; potentially known to us, across life, who probably we need to learn not to invest in quite so readily as a true friend.
The clue to a friend is often their unprompted level of reciprocity - by that I mean that they care about you, they think of and consider you likes and needs, they are as likely to suggest fun things to do as you might do so to them too, they care if you are happy, they are a reliable and supportive friend to you in both the good days and the not so good days, they are someone you could phone if you were in Hospital and needed something important, they defend you from thr poor behaviour of other people. A good friend can feel like an honourary brother or sister.
So who are these non true friends - the other 3 categories of people?:
1) acquaintances (enjoy, but don't over invest your time and effort),
2) frenemies (learn to say "no" and "busy" if things don't suit you), and
3) narcissists (super wary, very careful handling, ideally: totally avoid).
1) Acquaintances:
I have someone I have known for a very long time. For most of that time; I thought of them as a friend. More recently; I have come to realise they really are only an acquaintance as I have realised there are categories of activities like going to interesting places and holidays abroad - whose descriptions afterwards start "With my friends x and y ...". The sort of things which (with hindsight, I now realise) I have never been invited to join in. I do get told about the events in advance (but only after all the arrangements have been set -;and I now have come to understand that I am only told out of diary management - to dtop me suggesting meeting for lunch in their already settled busy social whirl).
It is upsetting as, for a long time, I thought they were a friend. Noe it is healthier to view them as an acquaintance. It transpires I am useful to them - I am expected to fit in with their World when they have a bored gap in their diary.
In recent years this has become more obvious as they have started taking even more holidays per year - such that even the (traditional to us) two key dates in the year when we would get together to meet for lunch have been casually pushed aside.
I have adapted. I know view the person as more of an email-only acquaintance. I will not be suggesting any further meet for lunch arrangements myself - it will be interesting to see if they do so either. I suspect not, as it would serm their life has moved in a different direction to mine.
2) Frenemies:
There is also another category of "friend" of which to be aware and adopt careful tactics. That is the "frenemy":
" Frenemy is a portmanteau of the words friend and enemy that refers to a person with whom one is friendly, despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry."
Maybe it is a neighbour or acquaintance with whom you have become friends, perhaps it is someone you only really know at a group or club - but they seem to be desperately competitive and seem to care greatly about some sort of unwritten point-scoring or one-up-man-ship. They might flit in and out of your life in a (to suit themselves) manner such that; when they are around: they are around they are super-friendly (but do ask yourself: why?). They rest of the time they drop you like a stone and they revert to social "radio silence".
Often, a frenemy wants something from you, or via you, or you sre of use to them somehow: information or knowledge, help with a task which otherwise would be paid for, introduction to someone else, to make it look like they are popular, to offload through guilt a responsibility onto you which they value and you do not, to build a larger group to pressure someone else to do something which the frenemy has decided is in their own interests, to be their free servant ("as a friend") to do things for them (never reciprocated) while they are away, to be someone to whom they can boast about their lavish lifestyle - to stroke their own ego - confident in the knowledge you are never likely to raise / match / exceed them on any topic with a story of your own, they think they are above others in their social circle (when in reality they are not), they have no concept of matching into to diaries of others as there is no compromise to their diary, they cultivate, briefly, their "friends" like a food crop (only until having harvested what they want), they are the people likely to cultivate quite involved inter-dependent "friendships" upon which they turn their back without warning and leave their "friends" dangling in their friends' own hour of need, a huge clue to a frenemy: they are thr person who consistently feeds you poor data / misinformation / completely incorrect details - as, although highly intelligent and organised, they couldn't be bothered to get it right for you - even when they knew you were going to use the information in an official capacity.
They don't care if they make you look stupid or let you down - because that is the clue to the dislike or rivalry element of a frenemy.
Frenemies are people with wth whom it is important to deploy two essential words "no" and "busy" (unless it really suits you). Yes, if you fancy a coffee - engage with them. But don't forget "I'm busy" when you find out their "come over for coffee" invite was really an attempted device to con you into unreciprocated servitude at their behest.
3) Narcissists:
There are broadly 3 types of narcissist, each of which need ultra careful handling, or better still, no engagement whatsoever I (think long rubber gloves up to your armpits like for dealing with the Judge Doom and the 'Toon Dip in the animated comedy movie "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" (1988).
The three types of narcissist, based on their behaviour traits:
1) Agentic narcissists - who feel grand or superior to others and crave admiration,
2) Antagonistic narcissists - who see others as rivals and are exploitative and lack empathy, and
3) Neurotic narcissists - who are shame-prone, insecure and overly sensitive to criticism.
Some signs you may be involved with, or around, a narcissist include:
a) Constant drama - a narcissist needs to be needed and seeks chaos and conflict,
b) No genuine apologies - they never really take full responsibility for their own behaviours, and
c) Blame game - they manipulate and exploit others for their own selfish gains.
Some big learning points about narcissists:
A) as Dr Tennyson Lee (consultant psychiatrist with the Deancross Personality Disorder Service, based in the London borough of Tower Hamlets) describes: "The good news is narcissism typically reduces with age. The bad news is this reduction is not of a high magnitude". "Do not expect narcissism will dramatically improve at a certain age - it doesn't".
B) as Dr Sarah Davies (chartered counselling psychologist who has written a book on how to leave a narcissist) explains: "Narcissists tend to be envious and jealous of others and they are highly exploitative and manipulative," she said. "They do not experience remorse or feeling bad, or have a sense of responsibility like other non-narcissistic people do."
C) from my own first-hand experience: if a narcissist known to you falls silent: leave it be, do not fall into the trap of re-engaging with a narcissist...as that is a favoured tactic of how they reel people in for another round of their peculiar brand of negative nonsense.
Where prudent, here are some ways to practice and say: "I am busy" ...also known as "no!" - you do not say the part in brackets to them, but that is what you are actually saying in support of yourself:
- No, I am busy! (looking after myself)
- No, I am up to my neck (with other duties to which I have committed)
- No, I am flat out (too busy with other tasks and can't handle more)
- No, I am booked (already too busy and not enough spoons available)
- No, I am so behind (with other priorities and not adding new ones)
- No, I am in the middle of something (valued by me which I enjoy)
- No, I have got my hands full (which a caring friend would have already noticed and not tried to further burden me - they would have offered help before now - not try to add to my load)
Look after yourself.
It is difficult for us here to be sure (by remote control) quite what the upsetting situation might be with which you are unfortunately trying your best to cope. It sounds really uncomfortable.
In case it helps in this case or future friend issues; there are three areas of "friends"-related life skills I wanted to share.
There are friends in life - and they are to be well maintained and treasured (they are the rare people with whom, like a family member, you invest by working hard to clear up any misunderstandings - even if you have to write a letter - before an issue becomes "a thing"!
However, apart from friends, there are 3 other categories of people; potentially known to us, across life, who probably we need to learn not to invest in quite so readily as a true friend.
The clue to a friend is often their unprompted level of reciprocity - by that I mean that they care about you, they think of and consider you likes and needs, they are as likely to suggest fun things to do as you might do so to them too, they care if you are happy, they are a reliable and supportive friend to you in both the good days and the not so good days, they are someone you could phone if you were in Hospital and needed something important, they defend you from thr poor behaviour of other people. A good friend can feel like an honourary brother or sister.
So who are these non true friends - the other 3 categories of people?:
1) acquaintances (enjoy, but don't over invest your time and effort),
2) frenemies (learn to say "no" and "busy" if things don't suit you), and
3) narcissists (super wary, very careful handling, ideally: totally avoid).
1) Acquaintances:
I have someone I have known for a very long time. For most of that time; I thought of them as a friend. More recently; I have come to realise they really are only an acquaintance as I have realised there are categories of activities like going to interesting places and holidays abroad - whose descriptions afterwards start "With my friends x and y ...". The sort of things which (with hindsight, I now realise) I have never been invited to join in. I do get told about the events in advance (but only after all the arrangements have been set -;and I now have come to understand that I am only told out of diary management - to dtop me suggesting meeting for lunch in their already settled busy social whirl).
It is upsetting as, for a long time, I thought they were a friend. Noe it is healthier to view them as an acquaintance. It transpires I am useful to them - I am expected to fit in with their World when they have a bored gap in their diary.
In recent years this has become more obvious as they have started taking even more holidays per year - such that even the (traditional to us) two key dates in the year when we would get together to meet for lunch have been casually pushed aside.
I have adapted. I know view the person as more of an email-only acquaintance. I will not be suggesting any further meet for lunch arrangements myself - it will be interesting to see if they do so either. I suspect not, as it would serm their life has moved in a different direction to mine.
2) Frenemies:
There is also another category of "friend" of which to be aware and adopt careful tactics. That is the "frenemy":
" Frenemy is a portmanteau of the words friend and enemy that refers to a person with whom one is friendly, despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry."
Maybe it is a neighbour or acquaintance with whom you have become friends, perhaps it is someone you only really know at a group or club - but they seem to be desperately competitive and seem to care greatly about some sort of unwritten point-scoring or one-up-man-ship. They might flit in and out of your life in a (to suit themselves) manner such that; when they are around: they are around they are super-friendly (but do ask yourself: why?). They rest of the time they drop you like a stone and they revert to social "radio silence".
Often, a frenemy wants something from you, or via you, or you sre of use to them somehow: information or knowledge, help with a task which otherwise would be paid for, introduction to someone else, to make it look like they are popular, to offload through guilt a responsibility onto you which they value and you do not, to build a larger group to pressure someone else to do something which the frenemy has decided is in their own interests, to be their free servant ("as a friend") to do things for them (never reciprocated) while they are away, to be someone to whom they can boast about their lavish lifestyle - to stroke their own ego - confident in the knowledge you are never likely to raise / match / exceed them on any topic with a story of your own, they think they are above others in their social circle (when in reality they are not), they have no concept of matching into to diaries of others as there is no compromise to their diary, they cultivate, briefly, their "friends" like a food crop (only until having harvested what they want), they are the people likely to cultivate quite involved inter-dependent "friendships" upon which they turn their back without warning and leave their "friends" dangling in their friends' own hour of need, a huge clue to a frenemy: they are thr person who consistently feeds you poor data / misinformation / completely incorrect details - as, although highly intelligent and organised, they couldn't be bothered to get it right for you - even when they knew you were going to use the information in an official capacity.
They don't care if they make you look stupid or let you down - because that is the clue to the dislike or rivalry element of a frenemy.
Frenemies are people with wth whom it is important to deploy two essential words "no" and "busy" (unless it really suits you). Yes, if you fancy a coffee - engage with them. But don't forget "I'm busy" when you find out their "come over for coffee" invite was really an attempted device to con you into unreciprocated servitude at their behest.
3) Narcissists:
There are broadly 3 types of narcissist, each of which need ultra careful handling, or better still, no engagement whatsoever I (think long rubber gloves up to your armpits like for dealing with the Judge Doom and the 'Toon Dip in the animated comedy movie "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" (1988).
The three types of narcissist, based on their behaviour traits:
1) Agentic narcissists - who feel grand or superior to others and crave admiration,
2) Antagonistic narcissists - who see others as rivals and are exploitative and lack empathy, and
3) Neurotic narcissists - who are shame-prone, insecure and overly sensitive to criticism.
Some signs you may be involved with, or around, a narcissist include:
a) Constant drama - a narcissist needs to be needed and seeks chaos and conflict,
b) No genuine apologies - they never really take full responsibility for their own behaviours, and
c) Blame game - they manipulate and exploit others for their own selfish gains.
Some big learning points about narcissists:
A) as Dr Tennyson Lee (consultant psychiatrist with the Deancross Personality Disorder Service, based in the London borough of Tower Hamlets) describes: "The good news is narcissism typically reduces with age. The bad news is this reduction is not of a high magnitude". "Do not expect narcissism will dramatically improve at a certain age - it doesn't".
B) as Dr Sarah Davies (chartered counselling psychologist who has written a book on how to leave a narcissist) explains: "Narcissists tend to be envious and jealous of others and they are highly exploitative and manipulative," she said. "They do not experience remorse or feeling bad, or have a sense of responsibility like other non-narcissistic people do."
C) from my own first-hand experience: if a narcissist known to you falls silent: leave it be, do not fall into the trap of re-engaging with a narcissist...as that is a favoured tactic of how they reel people in for another round of their peculiar brand of negative nonsense.
Where prudent, here are some ways to practice and say: "I am busy" ...also known as "no!" - you do not say the part in brackets to them, but that is what you are actually saying in support of yourself:
- No, I am busy! (looking after myself)
- No, I am up to my neck (with other duties to which I have committed)
- No, I am flat out (too busy with other tasks and can't handle more)
- No, I am booked (already too busy and not enough spoons available)
- No, I am so behind (with other priorities and not adding new ones)
- No, I am in the middle of something (valued by me which I enjoy)
- No, I have got my hands full (which a caring friend would have already noticed and not tried to further burden me - they would have offered help before now - not try to add to my load)
Look after yourself.
A friend is someone who would help you in times of need. People don't have many real friends, 5 or less. You can not talk to them for years, but still carry on when you meet them.
Most people are acquaintances. You do things together when it is convenient for both parties. It is not a big deal if things don't work out.
I think the frenemy maybe more of a female thing. Men are simpler.
Narcissists are usually fairly obvious, at least to me as you have a instinct to not get too close. Covert narcissists are harder but only a real problem if you're in a relationship with one.
In most interactions consider if it made you feel good. If not then question why.
I think because we are truthful, honest, reliable and trusting we can be manipulated by others. Even if we can't always see it we can feel it. Don't over analyse every interaction, it is only a problem when there starts to be a pattern, or if something serious happens.
Hi DormouseAtRest_25 , that was incredibly helpful, I feel not just for me but for other people reading.. Thank you so much for taking the time to write. That's given me food for thought. I'm waking up still, but am going to read it again.
