I read an article today that struck a chord about the questions I see posted here from time to time about dating for autists. Here are a few of the take-away points from it.
The article is:
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/aug/15/i-cant-read-anyones-body-language-and-i-feel-flirt-illiterate-how-do-i-meet-new-people
About finding dates:
“People” are everywhere, but you’re not just trying to meet people, you’re trying to meet your people. Go where they’re likely to be – joint activities, hobbies, shared friend groups. Expanding your romantic life often involves just expanding your social life.
This is great advice as you already have shomething in common to talk about.
It really helps to remember to ask questions of the other person and take an interest in their opinions even if they don't align with yours. Your potential date is unlikely to want to be talked at and expects you to be interested in them and I find asking their opinions on things you may not agree on can create a stimulating conversation where you can have your own preconceptions challenged in a non threatening way.
When it is a subject you are both passionate about I find it takes much of the anxiety away from talking to a stranger.
About flirting
It might help to think of flirting as an extension of social bonding rather than a strategy unique to dating. It’s just creating chemistry. Do you make people feel like the most interesting thing in the room? Do you hold eye contact a smidge longer in a way that suggests they’re fascinating? Does it seem as though there’s some mischief that you’re in on together? When figuring out whether people are flirting with you, it’s the same thing in reverse. If someone is trying to build some chemistry, they will find reasons to share things with you.
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A lot of flirting deliberately retains its plausible deniability.
This makes it extra hard for autists to work out if someone is flirting or not as it is often deliberately vague to save embarrasment if the other party isn't interested.
An approach I find when I think someone is flirting is to ask cheekily "are you flirting with me?" and if the response is a cold No or the conversation stalls then having the scripted response of "thank goodness you weren't, I thought for a minute I was going to have to be charming to you all evening", then change the subject.
If they are interested then it will often turn into more of a game with lots of eye contact and cheeky comments. I guess this would be a good time for those who struggle with this (especially eye contact) to confess that they are rubbish at eye contact so please don't judge them for it.
That little confession of vulnerability can be a good part of the flirting process.
About being authentic up front:
A lot of philosophers worry that our closest relationships often start in a bit of deception: we act like our best selves in early romance. In fact, I think this is for good reason. You don’t want to make your neurosis or baggage the other person’s responsibility at first.
So the take away is that it can be problematic to expect your date to make accommodations from you right from the beginning. Why? Because you are probably going to be seen as a high maintenance person and this is a big negative.
If you can learn to show your qualities through the conversation - intelligence, humour, sensitivity etc then these build credit to cushion the negative of your eventual disclosure of your need for being treated differently.
When you think about it, if you were shopping (which dating is in a way) for some baked beans and saw a pack that says "open, heat any way you wany and eat" or a pack that says "open carefully, warm slowly stirring steadily and do not allow to boil and leave for 2 mins before eating" then chances are you will take the low hassle option. It is the same with most dates when other qualities are comparable.
It would be great if people in general would accept us and treat us how we want but that is not reality and if we want to partake in the dating scene then I think these strategies are worth considering.