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I can’t enjoy the activities that usually help me relax

genny.a

I’m 20 years old and was diagnosed with level 1 Autism a few months ago.

At uni I spent a lot of time on my own watching YouTube and reading as this is my comfort activity but it was balanced with seeing my friends for at least a couple hours, 4 days a week in lectures/seminars etc, and then we’d see each other more throughout the week for film nights, walks around town, pub nights etc. I would go to my lectures, meet with my friends, sort food shopping etc, then come home and go straight to chilling in bed with YouTube or a book from 4/5pm until I’d go to sleep at 11pm. On the 3 days a week I didn’t have lectures/seminars etc, 2 of them I would spend relaxing in bed all day usually and the 3rd I’d go out into town, walk around, go to a cafe or something like that, sometimes with others and sometimes alone.

Since the uni year finished and I moved back home at the end of June for the summer I spent around 6 weeks spending literally all day in bed watching YouTube and reading as I live in a small village with no friends around. I was starting to feel really restless and like I needed to do more than just this but I have nothing to do here. I think this then led to the issues I’m facing now.

About 2 weeks ago I started feeling extremely anxious and I have felt this way since. It was triggered by multiple different things in my life at the moment, such as feeling isolated after being home from uni all summer and also anxiety about starting my first 9-5 office job while living in a new city on my own (it’s a 50 weeks placement as part of my university course).

I have experienced periods of extreme anxiety multiple times before, but usually it is linked to events or time periods, eg exams, driving test, something I’m new to etc. This means that I get anxious leading up to the event and during the event but after it’s over I usually get back to myself a week or two later. Even after a month long period of really bad anxiety I was enjoying things again after a week or two. This time it’s made it hard to deal with as there doesn’t feel like there’s an ‘end’ to this anxiety, especially as my job doesn’t start until September and then when I start the job I fear that the anxiety will just get even worse and last for months.

When I get anxious like this I can’t enjoy watching YouTube or reading books. This is so hard for me as these two things are my only comforts. They play a big part in my routine and are how I would chose to spend my free time but when I get anxious I have to replace them with being constantly active and doing something distracting. This is okay for a short period of time when I know I can go back to what I like soon, but with this anxiety I can’t see an end in sight or if I can it’s months away, so I feel so mentally exhausted because it feels like something so important from me has been taken away.

It’s especially hard in the mornings, as I would usually wake up around 7 and spend my morning watching YouTube or reading, making me happy and relaxed for the day ahead. Now I wake up at 5 with anxiety that I can’t get rid of and can’t watch YouTube or read, so I either have to get up and do things around the house or fall into doomscrolling. This makes every day miserable and I’m so scared that I won’t be able to get back to what I used to do, I want to be able to feel how I used to feel.

Will I be able to feel normal again and fully relax? What can I do to fix this?

Parents

  • Hi and welcome genny.a!

    It sounds like you might be a bit burned out from your first year in uni. As you were only recently diagnosed, you probably got by on masking, probably unconsciously a lot of the time. That takes its toll. A lot of us here have been through that or are currently going through that. On the bright side, you'll have the summer break to help you recharge.

    Here are a few of YouTube videos on Autistic masking. Maybe you can find a few others once you know what to look for.

    You'll also want to look up "Autistic burnout" and see if that chimes with you.

    I wake very early, too, most mornings. If I cannot go back to sleep after an hour (4-5 times a week), I'll often read a book for an hour to clear my head of looping thoughts and then try sleeping again. This is when I'll stuff in some ear plugs to give me a bit more of a chance. Often, that works for me. Sleep is very important if you're feeling a bit burned out, so get as much as you can however you can.

    Many days, I won't leave the house if I don't have any particular reason to do so. However, I do feel more relaxed if I go for a walk in my nearby green spaces, so I try to remember to do that. As you are in a village, I assume that you don't have far to go to get out in nature and leave the screens behind for a while.

    Your uni probably has counselling services and other supports that you should look into accessing. They can probably help you to normalise what is happening to you, so you don't feel so strange and alone.

    Hope to hear more from you soon.

Reply

  • Hi and welcome genny.a!

    It sounds like you might be a bit burned out from your first year in uni. As you were only recently diagnosed, you probably got by on masking, probably unconsciously a lot of the time. That takes its toll. A lot of us here have been through that or are currently going through that. On the bright side, you'll have the summer break to help you recharge.

    Here are a few of YouTube videos on Autistic masking. Maybe you can find a few others once you know what to look for.

    You'll also want to look up "Autistic burnout" and see if that chimes with you.

    I wake very early, too, most mornings. If I cannot go back to sleep after an hour (4-5 times a week), I'll often read a book for an hour to clear my head of looping thoughts and then try sleeping again. This is when I'll stuff in some ear plugs to give me a bit more of a chance. Often, that works for me. Sleep is very important if you're feeling a bit burned out, so get as much as you can however you can.

    Many days, I won't leave the house if I don't have any particular reason to do so. However, I do feel more relaxed if I go for a walk in my nearby green spaces, so I try to remember to do that. As you are in a village, I assume that you don't have far to go to get out in nature and leave the screens behind for a while.

    Your uni probably has counselling services and other supports that you should look into accessing. They can probably help you to normalise what is happening to you, so you don't feel so strange and alone.

    Hope to hear more from you soon.

Children
  • in reply to Damojo

    Hi and thank you for your reply. 

    I’ve just finished my second year of university actually but this didn’t happen last year for some reason. Last year during summer I spent it on my own watching YouTube and I was fine and really enjoyed it. This year at university was so much more enjoyable than my first year, so maybe not having the lifestyle I did during second year now that I’m home is causing me problems. I can’t enjoy the things I normally do, which is causing me the most anxiety. 

    My upcoming placement and having to move to a completely new city (not my home or uni city) without my family or any of the friends I made at uni is making this so difficult I think. I’m so scared that because I can’t relax now, I won’t be able to relax when I start the job and have to live alone hours from my parents. It’s not my first time living away from home, but it’s my first proper job and I’ll be in a city with no friends (my uni friends will be doing their own placements or finishing uni in a city a couple of hours away from where I’ll be). I’ve got past the anxiety of the placement and now it’s mainly anxiety because I can’t enjoy youtube or reading, so even if I spend the day doing other things I still feel exhausted as I’ve not been able to fully relax and do the things I normally love. 

    Maybe it’s because of masking but it’s strange that it happened after 6 weeks of me, to my knowledge, not masking as I was just on my own or around my family. 

    I’ll try to keep myself busy as much as possible and I might reach out to the university wellbeing services but I think I need to wait it out mostly which is the hardest bit.

    Thank you for your advice :)