Unemployed, job hunting and massivley hating it

If it’s not the money that’s the problem but more your sense of self worth then that is actually much easier to work on. And the same for incorporating routine and focus into your day to day life - this can be done without having paid employment. 
Really take time to build your awareness and understanding about why not having paid work means you feel like a failure - looking into your personal reasons for this and also the collective mindset we have in the uk about paid work and self esteem and our value to society. It’s actually a very interesting subject and when you dig deep into it a lot of our feelings about this are conditioning and in many ways very toxic. I’m sure that your loved ones don’t only value you for the paid work you’ve done - so why should you judge yourself more harshly than your loved ones do? You are more than your job (or lack of job). 
Recognise how fortunate you are that at the moment your wife is earning enough to meet both of your essential household needs. Until you get a job that’s suitable you can contribute to your family unit in myriad other ways. You could also do some volunteering if you want to feel you’re contributing to society. 
You can find focus by working on a new skill or hobby, or undertaking a project on your house. And you can structure a routine in your day without having one ‘enforced’ from ‘outside’ by paid employment. 
Ultimately you are in a good position in not being completely desperate to find work for financial reasons - so take time to appreciate that because in many ways it’s a luxury to be in that position. It’s also very likely that in time you will find suitable work - so enjoy the freedom you have now while it lasts. Every day is precious - don’t forget to enjoy some element of every day and appreciate what you have. And don’t let your self esteem be eroded by the fact that you don’t currently have a paid job - because that’s only going to bring you down and make everything harder. 

NAS65321 said:

I would not know where to start with agetting a counsellor or therapist?

In your shoes I would start with the more qualified option of a psychotherapist - rates are typically about £50/hour - maybe a bit more with inflation.

The reason I would choose this is they typically get some training in dealing with autists but for me that still wouldn't be enough - I would want one that has a track record of successfully helping autists who have similar issues.

My sessions are always through Zoom or similar video conference as I live in Brazil now but want English speaking therapists (my favourite was in Canada). A decent internet connection and having somewhere you can have a private call is important I think.

As for finding such a therapist, have a look at https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists - I used to use the Psychology Today website as it had a good search engine but it seems to be not working at the moment.

One other bit of personal advice would be that once you have got to grips with understanding you autism and how it affects you, consider getting some couples counselling with a therapist who understands autism too - it can be the same therapist but there may be caveats so discuss with them before suggesting it to your wife.

You have identified there is a relationship stress formed so taking the initiative to help resolve this will have beneficial results - in my opinion and experience.

The low self esteem is something straightforward to work on in the therapy sessions and is fairly common with autists.

Thanks for the reply, I wish you the best of luck with that. I have thought about doing my own thing but my anxiety is too big and I have zero self confidence.

Thanks for the reply. Previously I had a niche job and when I applied for jobs I always got them. I am sure now I can get jobs if I can just get an interview. I did have a meeting with the carreers service and they explained the horrible way the job market now works.

The thing is I have 12 years left until retirement and I am happy to spend that time in one job, I have never been sacked and am 100% relilable.  My working life is on the down slope I am not going to leave to earn more money, may leave in 10 years to go part time but thats it.

You can make your own routine. Create a weekly plan.

Great question, but I’m not sure, particularly since I live in the States. When I did couples’ counseling we did about three meetings for about $40 per meet. Pricey, but it undoubtedly helped even in the few times we met.

Where do I start getting theraphy thats free?

Thanks for the reply, my DIY skils are not good enough for me to use them in work. I am more of a bodge it and walk away type, lol. I have been considering downright lying on my CV for a while. I have the advantage that one of my employer no longer exists and another closed my department down so nobody is left who knew me. To Be honest I would not know where to start with agetting a counsellor or therapist? I have only ever talked about my mental health with the lady that did my assment, and my wife. 

We are surviving money wise its more of the fact I feel a utter failure and am lacking any sort of routine or focus.

Iain said:

It really sounds like you could do with some trained support - have you considered reaching out to a counsellor or therapist?

If communication is beginning to break down between you and your wife, I can attest this advice can certainly help. ESPECIALLY if you’re not at a total breaking point in your relationship yet. I’m guessing it’s more effective to get help before a marriage crisis than during.

Stuart333 said:

If you can, apply to companies direct. If necessary go to their reception and hand in your CV. A person then had to read it, the computer can't just screen it out.

I find that harassing a company’s HR department to be a surprisingly effective way to get that interview. Either do what Stuart333 suggested in just walking in and handing in a physical copy, or at the very least when you send in an online application call their HR department and ask “Hey, did you get my application? I don’t know if it sent correctly.”

NAS65321 said:

Finding a job for a 55yo

Ageism is alive and well in the workplace. I found it increasingly hard to get work from my late 40s because of this, in spite of having a quite impressive CV.

I agree with Stuart333 that a complete reworking of your CV is needed. Just list the last company or two you worked for and say you fixed hardware for them - make it sound much simpler than it was and don't give details of the actual tasks / skills / qualifications for that field.

If you are doing up your house, have you considered selling your skills as a handyman? I'm in that boat and do odd jobs here and there, mostly for the fun of it these days and make the bulk of my income from flipping one or two properties a year.

One bit of advice that I have used myself is to create a stop-loss point to prevent things financially slowly going under.

If you find savings are dwindelling and there is no realistic chance of this trend reversing then the future will look bleak and the stress from being in this situation can be much worse than in a job you don't like.

When you work out this number (mutually agreed with your wife of course) then it triggers a return to where you started - you try to get back into that line of work and she can probably get a better paying job there as well.

Think of it as stepping back so you can prepare better for the next time.

I had to do this once and narrowly avoided bankrupcy and it took a few years but we got back on track.

NAS65321 said:

I am having to constantly hide how I really feel from her because it upsets her. The mask cracks occasionally and I loose it and we just end up argueing. I am just permantly exhausted.

It really sounds like you could do with some trained support - have you considered reaching out to a counsellor or therapist?

I retired a few years ago in my mid 50s after doing a series of property renovations and flipping them in England in the '20s. You could consider developing your skills in this field (I used to be an IT manager with no real skills in building) and, if it feels good to do, make more of a career out of it.

The problem with low paid work is they normally require fewer skills so can be done by a large pool of people. You think you might get something,  but they won't touch you as they know you will keep looking and just leave then they'll have to recruit again.

If you want to get lesser roles you need to downgrade your CV.  When I was desperate once I tried deleting 70% of it and got more interest.

As you get older it gets harder, although jobs are hard to get whatever. Entry level jobs have halved, so there are graduate also looking.

Word of mouth is invaluable unless you have in-demand skills.

You would do better to do something that leverages your skills as you'll get more interest, unless you want to try hospitality or similar.

I know how it eats at you though. From 2009-2019 I was unemployed 3 times for a year at a time. Not good for finances or career or mental health.

I found I got the same number of calls by applying for things as just putting my CV online and doing nothing. Let them find you. It is depressing. Companies complain they can't find people and people can't find companies. Then companies have a 2 page wish list, plan on no training, then say no-one meets the requirements.

My worst one was I ticked 31 of 32 requirements and they didn't even call. I asked and they said they had a better candidate. It was probably a mandatory requirement to advertise it but they'd already decided on and internal candidate.

More that some agencies advertise fictitious jobs to get cvs.

Others 'scrape' ads, they re-advertise others' jobs.

If you can, apply to companies direct. If necessary go to their reception and hand in your CV. A person then has to read it, the computer can't just screen it out.

Many cvs are not looked at by a human.

Good luck.

I can relate to this, I'm in a similar position at 52 though I have a supportive partner, just hoping that can last!

I'm currently thinking the way to go is freelance. Instead of looking for a job I'm going to research other sources of income that involve my interests (such as writing and graphic design). I still apply for jobs but nothing comes up. Having a professional CV doesn't seem to help with the minimal pay jobs, and although no one will say it Im pretty sure that being in 50's doesn't help either.

Sorry I cant help much but I do feel your pain!