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Thought loops and anxiety

Autismman

I wonder if it’s a common thing among autistic people to almost obsess over the past and not be able to move on from negative experiences however long ago they were. It’s like it stays with you, becomes a part of you and moulds your thoughts and actions at the same time. I’ve always suffered from rumination or the plague of “what ifs?”. Sometimes it’s hard not to really be down on myself as a human being. I’m far from perfect but guilt is overwhelming at times, I start to think the great people I have around me deserve better. I’ve never had confidence in anything, there’s never been a time in my life where I’ve felt actually confident. Whenever something good comes my way I find a way of tainting it with self doubt that I’m not worthy or that I’m not good enough for this. 

Parents

  • I remember lots from the past too and sometimes torture myself with guilt, but I've started to forgive myself, if something happened decades ago, then who am I feeling guilty for, is guilt even the right emotion?

    A therapist asked me 'who am I not good enough for?', its a very good question, I think part of it it is that we remember being damned but rarely praised and probably we are rarely praised. I've noticed several thread where people have said they dont' know how to take compliments and feel like they're being laughed at when told they're good at something. How are we ever going to build confidence if we're never told what we do right, but only of what we do wrong? Life becomes a tightrope walk with a big drop of either not completing a task on one side and getting it wrong on the other, getting to the other end of the tight rope successfully feels more like getting away with it unnoticed rather than something to be proud of.

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    I think it’s a fear of judgement by others and society as perhaps not meeting the standards, expectations and criteria to be seen and felt as an equal human being. Internalising the punishment feels like the right thing to do, why should I enjoy nice things and have nice people around me? I’m half a person or a machine missing important modules so cannot function 

  • in reply to Autismman

    I think you also set your own standards, which can be too high.l

    I always expected to do double what other people did, or put up with things I wouldn't expect other people to.

    I don't know why I don't value myself.

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  • in reply to Stuart333

    Most definitely agree with you there. I tend to people please more in the work environment however because a core feature of my own diagnosis is a lack of typical social motivation it means I also don’t feel the motivation to mask my disinterest in others, this is something that only occurred to me today really. I was reading a book and the guy speaks of masking because he wanted to fit in and with me I don’t care to fit in or be popular therefore I wouldn’t mask as much as others do. It isn’t that I don’t care morally I just don’t care socially for the most part. I think others notice this too as I don’t join in conversations and will often try busy myself doing other things, it makes me feel quite like a bored child that their mothers dragged out while she has a coffee with her friend.