I have a formal ASD diagnosis and will have an ADHD assessment in the coming months, hopefully sooner than later.
My mother is completely oblivious to this. Every single frustration she has in her life she takes out on me, and constantly makes me feel like I am not good enough for her.
She constantly yells at me for the slightest mishap (I'm 23), even when I ask her to stop and warn her that it pushes me to extreme levels of anxiety. She promises to stop and then forgets.
She knows I have ASD. Despite this, she is constantly demanding that I go and find 'paid work' despite knowing how difficult it will be for me. I genuinely tried at the start of the summer, but then gave up looking. I recently secured an £1500 payout from the OIA, and this is not enough for her. She either says 'You need to learn to interact with others' or 'That's not enough for me'. When I remind her I am classed as a student with a disability, she either laughs at me or claims 'We're all on the spectrum'.
I have told her I very likely have ADHD and forget things very easily when pressured. I have repeatedly asked her to keep one demand at a time for me, or I'll forget everything. I have genuine difficulties in keeping my room clean (especially when upset) and have repeatedly told her that. She variously claims that ADHD is an 'invention' and that I just don't love her, and also that I won't live much longer if I start taking ADHD medication. I recently started using it as a 'threat' in an attempt to get her to stop yelling at and criticising me, but it does little- she promises to stop and then something else sets her off.
My mother has also been warned that I am currently struggling with my mental health and have had dangerously suicidal thoughts in the past on two separate occasions. She doesn't seem to care in the slightest, particularly when I tell her that yelling at me causes me to rapidly slide into that state.
Her behaviour towards her daughter is very, very different. Whereas I am shy, quiet and genuinely try my best (but am constantly overwhelmed by everything), my sister does not. I get a first-class mark despite the horrors of the past year and my mother criticises me for a low first. My sister barely passes and she doesn't care. My sister regularly screams at and yells at my mother and she doesn't care. When I start emotionally saying of my disabilities, I get yelled at and called 'rude'. I never smoke, drink or take illicit drugs and I get accused of 'medicating myself into oblivion' (I do take sertraline and prescribed diazepam). My sister drinks and has smoked and tried drugs in the past, and I get yelled at whenever I remind someone of it.
I feel I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm currently trying to rest before I begin my final-year at university. My mother is going to scream herself into a heart attack at this rate (and she has a very unhealthy diet with a tremendous amount of saturated fat).
I was never in a relationship- every single girl I liked except just one ended up completely rejecting me. I want a relationship more than anything in my life (to feel like I'm special to someone, and to feel safe with her and like I matter). But my mother's yelling is pushing me into depression as it makes it clear that she feels I'm so horrible that nobody will ever love me.
