I’ve been diagnosed now for about six weeks and feel totally alone, I’m not sure if I even belong here, most of you seem to have degrees and read a lot, some hyperlexic. I seem to have been dealt the dyslexia and dysgraphia cards, I went to a terrible school, was bullied and left with no qualifications. Detention for poor handwriting was about the only help given.
I’ve tried to explain to just a few members of family and the one friend I had that I am actually autistic, I waited 3 1/2 years for a diagnosis, I’m not pretending to be autistic or making it up. I don’t expect people to gush, but just nothing.
I’ve read my report, there is doubt to whether I could ever live alone, I apparently rely heavily on my wife. I didn’t realise I have, I suppose disabilities. It’s shocked me.
I can’t afford private therapy, the best the NHS can offer is talking therapy on the telephone, I have an absolute phobia of telephones and don’t think I could talk to a total stranger, and yes I feel quilt for dismissing help. The friend I told sent back a message that I most probably need to organise myself better, everyone seems to think that I have coped for over 50 years so I can carry on as normal. The truth is I can mask so well that even I don’t see it.
I have absolutely nobody who I can explain to who actually understands, I know I have here but sometimes just someone to ask if I’m okay and mean it, not silly small talk. I suppose I want to be heard and seen as autistic but without cruel comments.
I always just feel stupid, I work for myself full time and don’t actually earn enough to pay tax, my wife pays the electricity bill for my workshop. I never change enough, I am the worst critic of my work, everyone else seems to think it’s amazing, i don’t see it.
I have just never felt so confused and lonely, I get up every morning and clock watch, hoping it will soon be bedtime. I enjoy bedtime as nothing is bombarding my senses. I don’t feel depressed, I just feel nothing. I not after sympathy, most probably just venting.
